I'm sure some of you will just love to jump all over this...
Bush Lays Off Congress; will Outsource Lawmaking to India
Reuters International Release
Washington - Citing the growing cost of running the Federal government
and the need to cut costs in order to reduce the budget deficit,
President Bush announced today that he was laying off all 535 members of
Congress and transferring lawmaking operations to a legislative support
center in Bangalore, India. "Hey, outsourcing is the way to go these
days," said Bush at an impromptu news conference where he announced the
decision, adding, "the American people want to see less government
waste. Since every one of those ex-Congressmen had a salary of $150,000,
this move will cut our costs by over $80 million per year, and that's
not even counting what we'll save on health insurance and retirement
plans." Sources indicate that the Indian replacements will be paid
approximately $250 per month.
However, the changes won't take effect immediatly, Bush said. "Members
of congress could remain on the job an extra 30 days if they agree to
train their replacements. If you think about it, this really frees
congress up. They now have the opportunity to seek better jobs elsewhere
in the economy.
It really is a win-win for both countries," he went on to say.
The outcry from the newly laid-off Senators and Representatives was
swift.
Ex-California Senator Diane Feinstein said, "This is absolutely
outrageous. How can a bunch of replacements over in India run Congress?
What do they know about filibusters and committee hearings?" As she was
being escorted out of the Hart Senate Office Building by U.S. Capitol
Police officers, Feinstein complained that the newly-terminated
lawmakers, those who chose not to train their replacements, were only
given ten minutes to clean out their desks and leave the building.
"I think it's a great idea," said Vice President Dick Cheney, speaking
from a secure undisclosed location. "The American people were fed up
with that expensive do-nothing Congress which didn't always give the
President everything he asked for. Our new Indian replacements will be
much more cooperative to the President, which is what we all want."
Asked whether the outsourcing may be unconstitutional, Cheney noted,
"That's up to the Supreme Court to decide, but as you know, they usually
see things our way."
The new members of Congress seem thrilled with the attention they are
receiving. Speaking from the offices of All-India Legislative Support
Centre Ltd. in Bangalore, new Mississippi Senator Ramchandra Shekar
Gupta told reporters, "The Indian people are very hard working and we
will do our best as U.S. Congressmen and Congresswomen. And we are going
to have some Fun too. Just think: we have $2 trillion of the American
taxpayers' money to spend!"