I went to school, ya know. I went to grammar school and once we were taking a test and I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine. She said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?," and I said, "Ah, yes and no."
She sends me to the principal's office and I get there and sit down and he looks at me and says, "Emo, Emo, Emo."
I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken slob."
He said, "Emo, how would you like to repeat the fifth grade?"
I said, "I don't know if I could do it exactly, but I could try."
He said, "I could expel you!"
I said, "You'll have to catch and eat me first, ya weirdo."
He said, "Emo, you'll have to see the school psychologist."
And I said, "But why do I have to see the school psychologist?"
So he shows me the petition. So I went to the psychologist and he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot look like to you?"
I said, "Well, it's kind of embarrassing."
He said, "Emo, everyone sees something silly. Don't be embarrassed. Tell me, what does this inkblot look like to you?"
I said, "Well, uh, to me, um, it looks like, uh, standard pattern number 3 in the Rorschach series to test obsessive compulsiveness." And he got kind of depressed, so I said, "OK, it's a butterfly." And he cheered up.
"And what does this inkblot look like?" I said it looks like a horrible, ugly blob of pure evil, that sucks the souls of men into a vortex of sin and degradation."
He said, "No, uh the inkblot is over there, that's a photo of my wife you're looking at."
"Oh, was I far off?"
He said, "No, that's the sad part." And he gave me a chocolate Easter bunny and I ate the bunny, then I thought, hey, this isn't Easter. "Is this a test?"
And he said, "Yes."
"And what does it mean?"
He said, "Had you eaten the ears first you would have been normal. Had you eaten the feet first you would have had an inferiority complex. Had you eaten the tail first you would have had latent homosexual tendencies and had you eaten the breasts first you would have had a latent Oedipal complex."
"Well...go on, what does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream 'stop staring at me?'" He said, "It means you have a tendency towards self destruction."
I said, "Well, what do you recommend?"
He said, "Go for it."
- Emo Philips
