I received this hilarious spam

[Prof.Wizard]

FROM: ALHAJI MOHAMMED ABACHA
E-MAIL: alhmohammed23401@yahoo.com

ATTN:Constantine Mihailidis

I got your contact from my private search on the internet. I am the second son of General Sanni Abacha, the late Military Head of State of Nigeria. When my father was alive I used to move funds, in cash, running into millions of United States dollars to Brazil, Lebanon and other parts of theworld, for safe keeping on behalf of my father.

However, on the eve of my father's death in June 8, 1998, he gave me the sum of US$16,300,000.00 (SIXTEEN MILLION THREE HUNDREDTHOUSAND UNITED STATES
DOLLARS) in cash to move to Lebanon as usual,but
immediately my father died I had to moved the fund to
HOLLAND through a diplomatic courier service to a security company in HOLLAND.

The funds have been in the security company in HOLLAND
since July 1998. However, because of the many restrictions placed on my family by the present Nigerian Government, I simply cannot travel to HOLLAND to secure the funds from the security company in Holland. What I now need from you are as follows:-

1.You should travel to Holland to secure the funds in cash on my behalf and deposit it in your bank account in your Country.

2.You will be entitled to 30% of the total sum involved for your assistance. 3.As soon as you confirm to me by my above e-mail address your readiness to travel to Holland, I will send a copy of my Power of Attorney to the security company in Holland authorizing them to release the funds to you.

4.As soon as you have the fund in your custody, I will give
you details of where and which sector you will invest my
share of the funds into, on my behalf.

5.Please note that this project is 100% risk free, but you
must keep it very secret and confidential because of my personal security.Please contact me immediately, through my email address alhmohammed23401@yahoo.com.


best regards,

Alhaji mohammed abacha.

------------------------------------------------------------
So, should I help the revolution? :lol:
Man, the imagination of some people is really off-limits...

 

[Tea]

Being the irresistable spam magnet that I am, I get about six of those a week, Prof. You are just lucky this was your first one. I can promise you it won't be your last!(Alas.) I laughed at my first one of those too. In fact I posted it, or possibly I gave it to Tannin and he posted it. Either here or over at SR. It might have been here.Can't remember. Hey - it's Friday. Noting good ever happens on a Friday. If I preview this post there will be an obvious error and I'll miss it. So I'll just hit SUBMIT and hope nothing too bad happens.

I hate Fridays.

 

[Jake the Dog]

unfortunately i have lost an e-mail i once received which was the best and worst spam i have ever seen. in it was a claim by some mob that they had developed an all natural product that would help obese people lose up to 30kgs a week(!), increase breast size in small breasted women and increase any man's penis size by 50%. (pfft who needs that? ) i literally fell on the floor laughing. i presumed it was a joke on me by someone who knew me so i thought i'd play the game and replied. what i got in return was a a bunch of e-mails asking for shipping details and instructions on payment. i returned a complaint, CC'd my ISP and never heard from them again.

 

[Tea]

All three in one go! Extraordinary. But tell me, would you have felt differently if it had promised to increase any dog's ... er ... doghood?

 

[Handruin]

Prof., I've had the same spam, it's kinda funny!

 

[Prof.Wizard]

i presumed it was a joke on me by someone who knew me so i thought i'd play the game and replied.

The important is to NOT respond. If you respond they'll validate your existence and your interest and will spam ya ta death...

I wish I could make my POP3 mail server not respond at all (giving them the "undeliverable mail" message) at these spammers. I could actually do it, by activating my ISP's on-site spam list, but too much of a hassle... the Outlook Junk list with a rule that throws away e-mails from the ".kr" domain works fine. :wink:
1/2 of spam dies... I receive some 20-30 a day. You?

 

[Tannin]

About the same, Prof. Anywhere between 5 and 30 a day. For me, email is useless. For all practical purposes, I don't use it.

 

[NRG = mc²]

One of my accounts has been getting one junk mail every couple of days - thats as far as I'll let it go. I always complain and send details to their ISP but who knows to how many others they've sold my address.

I just set up aliases on my main account, so I have will@, energy@, nrg@, all going to the same box. If one gets a load of spam I just delete the alias... but luckily my spam levels are very low and I hope to keep them like that.

 

[jtr1962]

in it was a claim by some mob that they had developed an all natural product that would help obese people lose up to 30kgs a week(!), increase breast size in small breasted women and increase any man's penis size by 50%. (pfft who needs that? )

You mean there are some people who would actually need both? :lol:

Seriously, I hate both of these trends with a passion, especially breast enlargement. It's just such a vulgar looking, in-your-face kind of thing, and anyone who gets this done can't have much self esteem. What exactly is sexy about woman with breasts that look like beach balls? Same goes for the guys who get their penis enlarged. Maybe these two types of people deserve each other? :mrgrn:

 

[Prof.Wizard]

So... are we doing that money-transfer for the fair people of Nigeria or what? :lol:

I mean, the general's son sounds credible...

 

[NRG = mc²]

Yes, as does the offshore gas production facility and the four epileptic refineries :mrgrn:

http://www.scamorama.com/scam34.shtml

 

[Tea]

Great link, Rocco!

 

[Prof.Wizard]

Mwahahahaha!! Indeed.

 

[James]

I wish I could make my POP3 mail server not respond at all (giving them the "undeliverable mail" message) at these spammers.

I do this. I download all my POP3 mail via fetchmail onto my FreeBSD box. The I run it through procmail and a spam filter which sends back fake "message undeliverable" e-mails to the spammer *and* automatically complains to their ISP.

Then it dumps the remaining (legitimate) mail into a directory where it's served out via IMAP4.

 

[time]

Great link, Rocco!

Certainly is. I especially enjoyed the FAQ.

 

[GMac]

Believe it or not, there are people who actually fell for this bull! :eekers:, and were parted from quite sizeable sums of money, both here in the UK, mainland Europe and in the US. Fortunately two of the main principles behind these types of fraud (which are known as 419 frauds - 419 being the relevant section of the Nigerian criminal code, the frauds are in the main run from that country) have just been picked up by the UK and South African police in a joint sting operation. The perps are looking at 10 year sentences if convicted, which is frankly the least they deserve (although anyone who gets taken in aint exactly blameless... ).
GM

 

[James]

Something has been bothering me with this spam - I can't see where the scamsters actually make money, unless they run a travel agent or an airline...

The usual procedure with this scam is to ask for some funds up front, but that doesn't appear to be the case with this e-mail. Do you think they had heard someone describe the scam to them, but ended up writing it down wrongly?

 

[time]

I think you're confusing what they said would happen with what they intend would happen. The details are explained on Scamorama.

 

[NRG = mc²]

OK, I checked (after about two years) my ISP's pop3 box for my dial up account back home. Amongst otehr spam, I got two different versions of this:

--------------------

Dear Friend,

I am well confident of your capability of executing
this business for the mutual benefit of our both
families, believing that you will not expose or betray
the trust and confident I am about to repose on you.

I am contacting you with the greatest delight and
personal respect. I am PRINCE NELSON TARAWALLY, the
first son of CHIEF K.S. TARAWALLY former minister of
Mineral Resources of the Republic of Sierra-Leone who
was recently murdered by the Forces Loyal to Corporal
Foday Sankoh, due to his support to the incumbent
elected President Tejan Kabbah to remain in the office
as reported on the cable Network News (CNN) and by the
British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC).

Two days before my father was assassinated,he confided
in me and ordered me to go to his underground safe
and moved out immediately with the deposit agreements
and cash receipt he made with a Security Company in
Abidjan where he deposited one trunk box which
contains cash sum of US$30,000,000(Thirty million
United States Dollars).

I successfully smuggled out of the country to Abidjan,
Côte d'Ivoire with the help of some rebels loyal to My
father and have gone to the Security Company with the
deposit Documents to confirm the deposit myself.

Unknown to the Security company my father declared the
contents of the trunk box as African Artworks
belonging to his foreign partner, that the keys are
with him in order to prevent them from knowing the
real content of the box.

I am now seeking for your direct assistance to front
you as the owner of the consignment and lift the
fund out of this country to your base for onward
profitable investment which necessitated my contacting
you.

We are to open a non residential Bank Account here in
Abidjan in your name through which the fund shall be
remitted to your Bank Account abroad and your
reward for this noble assistance is under negotiation.

Further detail will be made known to you on
confirmation of your interest to assist me towards
this project. You will also comfirm to me that no
third party should hear about this transaction.Contact me
through the above email address.

May God bless you and your entire family

Expecting your immediate response.

Yours sincerely.
PRINCE NELSON TARAWALLY

MR. MAC MORRISON.
3/5 RIDER HAGGARD
CLOSE, JO, BORG
SOUTH AFRICA.
Tel: 874 - 762864167
Fax: 874 - 762864168

--------------

(URGENT AND CONFIDENTIAL)

(RE: TRANSFER OF ($ 126,000,000.00 USD}
ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY SIX MILLION DOLLARS

Dear sir,

We want to transfer to overseas account
($ 126,000,000.00 USD) one hundred and twenty six
million United States Dollars) from a Prime Bank in
Africa, I want to ask you to quietly look for a
reliable and honest person who will be capable and
fit to provide either an existing bank account or to
set up a new Bank a/c immediately to receive this
money, even an empty a/c can serve to receive this
money, as long as you will remain honest to me till
the end of this important business trusting in you
and believing in God that you will never let me down
either now or in future.

I am Mr.mac morrison,the Auditor General of one of the
prime banks here South Africa, during the course of
our auditing,I discovered a floating fund in an
account opened in the bank in 1990 and since 1993
nobody has operated on this account again, after going
through some old files in the records I discovered
that the owner of the account died without a [heir]
hence the money is floating and if I do not remit
this money out urgently it will be forfeited for
nothing. The owner of this account is Mr. Allan
P.Seaman, a foreigner, and an industrialist, and he
died, since 1993. and no other person knows about
this account or any thing concerning it, the account
has no other beneficiary and my investigation proved
to me as well that Allan P. Seaman until his death
was the manager Of Diamond Safari [pty]. SA.

We will start the first phase of the transfer with
twenty six
million [$26,000,000 USD] upon successful transaction
without any disappointment from your side, we shall
re-apply for the payment of the remaining Balance
amount to your account.

The amount involved is (USD 126 M ) One hundred and
Twenty six million United States Dollars only. I want
to first transfer $26,000,000.00 [Twenty six million
United States Dollar] from this money into a safe
foreigners account abroad before the rest, but I
don't know any foreigner, I am only contacting you
as a foreigner because this money can not be approved
to a local person here, without valid international
foreign passport, but can only be approved to any
foreigner with valid international passport or
drivers license and foreign a/c because the money is
in US dollars and the former owner of the a/c Mr.
Allan P. Seaman is a foreigner too,and the money can
only be approved into a foreign a/c.

However, we will sign a binding agreement, to bind
us together. I got your contact address from the
Girl who operates my computer, I am revealing this to
you with believe in God that you will never let me
down
in this business, you are the first and the only
person that I am contacting for this business, so
please reply urgently so that I will inform you the
next step to take urgently. Send also your private
telephone and fax number including the full details of
the account to be used for the deposit.

I want us to meet face to face to build confidence
and to sign a binding agreement that will bind us
together before transferring the money to any
account of your choice where the fund will be safe.
Before we fly to your country for withdrawal, sharing
and investments.

I need your full co-operation to make this work
fine, Because the management is ready to approve
this payment to any foreigner who has correct
information of this account, which I will give to you,
upon your positive response and once I am convinced
that you are capable and will meet up with
instruction of a key bank official who is deeply
involved with me in this business. I need your strong
assurance that you will never, never let me down.

With my influence and the position of the bank
official we can transfer this money to any foreigner's
reliable account which you can provide with assurance
that this money will be intact pending our physical
arrival in your country for sharing. The bank official
will destroy all documents of transaction immediately
we receive this money leaving no trace to any place
and to build confidence you can come immediately to
discuss with me face to face after which I will make
this remittance in your presence and three of us
will fly to your country at least two days ahead of
the
money going into the account. I will apply for annual
leave to get visa immediately I hear from you that you
are ready to act and receive this fund in your
account. I will use my position and influence to
obtain all legal approvals for onward transfer of
this money to your account with appropriate clearance
from the relevant ministries and foreign exchange
departments.

At the conclusion of this business, you will be given
35% of the total amount, 60% will be for me, while
5% will be for expenses both parties might have
incurred during the process of transferring.

I look forward to your earliest reply through my
email address.

Yours truly,

MR MAC MORRISON.

 

[Fushigi]

That Nigeria spam-scam has netted over $85 million: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2003/01/12/BU114885.DTL

- Fushigi

 

[Prof.Wizard]

HIGHLY CONFIDENTAIL PLEASE

ATTNRESIDENT.DIRECTO

It is a pleasure to write you this proposal which I
know will interest you, how ever I fund your contact
/profil on my personal search for a trust worthy
person. I know this may come to you as a
surprise but mind you it is never a jok, though we
have not seeing or known each other for the first time
but trust and confidence is the key to this
transaction but meanwhile may I introduce myself
first,I am Mrs binta okota wife of the formale
Late Major kabila of CONGO (d.r.c).

This business proposal I went to impose on you must be
highly confidential between the both of us.

My husband Late Major okota was assasinated by a troop
of rebal assasins but before his death he deposited a
trunk box with a security company in abidjan and told
them that the trunk box contains
"metal/wood art works" belonging to a foreign
contractor but the real content of the trunk is money
it contains 32.6 million USD he told them that it
contains metal/wood art works belonging to a foreign
contractor to enable them not to open the box but
before my husbands death the country press wanted to
tress this deposit he made and he
immediately asked the security company to transfer the deposited item to any of there branches outside the countinent and the security company made an immediate transfer of this box through a deplomatic form to there branch office in Europe now this trunk box is in Europe and still remains under the security custody of Abidjan Cote d`ivoire still as metal/wood art work belonging to a foreign contractor.

On giving me the documents my late husband told me
everything concerning the deposit he made, my husband
did not present any body to the security company as
the foreign contractor that owns the
deposited item. So what I went from you is to assist
me in the release of this box in Europe but mean while
this has to do with the head office in Abidjan Cote
d’ivoire because it is the place were
this trunk was deposited and they also are the people
that transferred it to there branch in Europe. I have
the documents giving on the day of deposit my husband
gave it to me when he was wait alive I never now he
did it for a purpose and now that he has died. This
money is the only hope and future I have for myself
and my children because after my husbands death we
were restricted from movement in the country (CONGO)
and everything that my husband has was sized I and my
children narrowly escaped out of the country through
the help of some force offices who are royal to my
late husband!
when he was on sit, we are now staying in Abidjan cote
d’ivoire under a political status by the government of
cote d’ivoire to contact me,
just as of me this number belongs to a pastor who has
been my helper or you can also contact me via my email
address but I believe in voice contact as we do not
know each other personally. You must bear
in mind that the documents are with me and I will not
hesitate to send them to you as soon as trust,
confidence and good relationship is exstablished
between the both of us. After the release of the
trunk box to you over there you will then open the box personally and send me and my children money for our visa and ticket to come over to your country for the investment of this money I believe that as God lives you will not in any way sit on this money when you collect it. On your interest of this proposal, firstly I will like you to send me your home address, personal phone and fax number.

I await your response.

Thanks
Best regards
Mrs binta okota
_________________________________________________________
Gagne une PS2 ! Envoie un SMS avec le code PS au 61166
(0,35€ Hors coût du SMS


-------------------------------------
Who said it's over?! :mrgrn:

 

[Mercutio]

Wow. That's actually a pretty well-researched spam. I really doubt that many people in the US or Europe actually know of the Republic of Congo's President actually is.

 

[time]

Check out the winner of the inaugural PITS (Pie In The Sky) award.

The actual URL contains illegal quote characters, so you'll have to select 'Pie In The Sky' from this page:

http://www.asic.gov.au

I notice that the names James and Jason feature in the runners-up. :wink:

 

[James]

Sometimes I crave a little more excitement than working for a telco can give me.

 

[Prof.Wizard]

FROM: BARRISTER MICHAEL KAPEND
TEL/FAX;442083878758

Dear Sir/Madam,




My name is Barrister Michael KAPEND an origin of
Muvito in Sierra-Leone. I have been opportuned to act
as a legal representative to very eminent people of
which the late Chief KON IDEHEN KANDA of Kono District
in Sierra-Leone is prominent.


The Chief was murdered on accusation that he sponsored
the opposition government of Major Johnny Paul Koroma.
When he was alive he entrusted me with some vital
documents concerning a deposit of approximately USD71M
he has in custody of a financial institution in the
U.K. To the best of my knowledge, these funds is of no
criminal origin as it was greatly realised from black
market sales of Alluvial Gold and Diamond during the
war in Sierra-Leone.


I have disclosed the entire information to the family
of the deceased and they have given me a mandate to
source for a viable business opportunity where the
total funds can be invested on their behalf.


Presently, I am in the U.K. and have been able to
finalize the best approach to transfer the entire
funds with a top official of the financial
institution. According to the official, we need a
beneficiary with a credible banking facilities to
achieve our goal. I am inspired to contact you for
assistance because of the information I gather about
you from the internet.


As a result of the difficulties in handling cash in
Europe, my in-experience in foreign transactions and
because I do not have a credible bank Account, I will
not be able to function in this regard. It is based on
this that I am contacting you to play the role of
beneficiary and invest the funds into viable ventures.
With the relationship I have established with the
official at the financial institution, the transaction
is risk free. So an urgent response is required to
enable us complete the necessary documents and
commence business.


Upon your positive response, I shall abreast you with
the complete procedure to successfully transfer the
funds into your nominated bank Account. For your
assistance, we are proposing 30% of the funds to you
after transfer and the late Chief’s family is willing
to invest 60% of their share into either your business
or any viable business you may suggest. More so, they
are willing to give you 15% of the return on
investment (ROI). I believe you can do this deal
because you are in emerging market that requires large
sum for expansion.


Kindly let me know your decision on time. in a
situation whereby you are not capable, do let me know
so that I can result to other alternatives.Please
reply to this TELL/FAX NUMBER 442083878758


Regards,


MICHAEL KAPEND


---------------------------------
But will they ever stop?! :-?

 

[Tea]

i don't think so

 

[.Nut]

• 
  Complements of the day.Grace, Peace and love to you. I hope my letter does not cause you too much embarrassment as I write to you in good faith. Please excuse my intrusion into you business life.
  
  My name is Cole Moyo, the elder son of Mr.Dennnis Moyo from the Republic of Zimbabwe. During the current war against the farmers in Zimbabwe from the supporters of President Robert Mugabe,in his effort to chase all the white farmers out of the country, he ordered all the white farmers to surrender their farms to his party members and his
  Followers.
  
  My father was one of the most successful farmer in my country, but he did not support the idea of dispossessing the white farmers of their land. Because of this, his farm was invaded and burnt by government supporters. In the course of the attack, my father was killed, and the invaders made away with a lot of items from my Father’s farm. And our family house was utterly destroyed. My mother died too out of heart attack. Before the death of my father, he drew my attention to the sum of US$10 MILLION, Which he deposited with a Security Company in Amsterdam when the crisis was coming up. Finance Minister of Zimbabwe.
  
  My sister and I decided to move out of Zimbabwe for our own security, because our lives were in danger. We decided to move to the Amsterdam, The Netherlands where my father deposited this money. Till date, the security company is not aware of the content of the consignment because my father used his diplomatic immunity as at.
  
  That time to deposit the consignment as important personal valuables.I decided to have contact with overseas person/firm who will assist me to move the money out of Amsterdam. This becomes necessary because as political asylum seekers, we are not allowed to own or operate a bank account. If you accept this proposal, you shall receive 20% of the entire amount for assisting us to move this money out, 75% of this amount shall be for us, and the remaining 5% shall be mapped out for expenses incurred in the course of the transaction.
  
  I want you to immediately confirm your interest in the project via my fax number, as soon as I get your response, I will give you more details on how we can proceed.
  
  Thanks for your anticipated cooperation. I await your Urgent response
  
  
  Best regards,
  COLE MOYO
  

 

[SteveC]

From the Inquirer:

A SCIENCE FAIR PROJECT started by a 15 year old girl went a little awry. Shannon Syfrett wanted to find out how far an email she sent would go and ended up with far more than she had bargained for.

According to Dow Jones, Shannon created an email account with AOL and sent an email to 23 people. The email asked people to send a response and pass the email on. She had expected to receive a few hundred emails back, maybe a few thousand if she was lucky. She ended up with 160,478 responses.

The emails came from 189 countries, from ships at sea, from polar research stations, oil rigs, Navy vessels and just about everywhere else on the surface of the planet. By the end of her science fair project, new emails were arriving every 2.3 seconds.

Shannon shut down the project 17 days early thinking that might be the end of it. Far from it. Despite the fact that the email gave no clues as to her location, some people managed to track her down and phoned to complain that they couldn't get their emails through to her.

Between them, Shannon and her mother claim to have read every email that came in. A staggering task in itself.

 

[Fushigi]

Personally, I can't fathom why people even open spam emails let alone read & maybe reply to them.

- Fushigi

 

[Mercutio]

Where else am I going to get pictures of semi-clothed women and information about penis enlargement while I'm at work???

Actually, my office-mate and I have a regular contest over who gets the dumbest spam. It's kind of fun, in a "better than working" sort of way.

 

[.Nut]

• 
  
  Clothing, spying, and searching for cats...
  
  ==========================================
  
  T: Roupas Sociais Masculinas a preço de fabrica!!!!!
  
  Agora você já pode comprar de um dos mais tradicionais fabricantes de roupas sociais masculinas, 27 anos de mercado, agora vende seus produtos, ternos, calças, camisas e blazer´s a preço de fabrica no varejo. Os melhores modelos e tecidos, com alta qualidade. Fabricante para grandes lojas localizadas em shoppings de todo o Brasil. Não perca! As melhores condições de pagamento.
  
  Condições especiais para quantidade.
  
  
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  
  
  T: Espionagem e monitoramento
  
  SIP- A TECNOLOGIA NA INVESTIGAÇÃO,
  
  APRESENTA: Escutas ambientais e telefônicas,micro-câmeras
  imperceptíveis e muito mais. clique aqui e conheça o mundo da
  espionagem... proteja-se!
  
  Se quiser remover de nossa lista clique aqui
  
  
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  
  [Mod: Mildly inappropriate text removed. While the humble moderator thinks the idea of picking some random guy and trying to finding some random woman to have age-appropriate horizontal fun with seems like it should be funny in a "Jerry Springer" sort of way, the language in this section of .Nut's post is a little too coarse to remain in place. Behave Gary! -- Mercutio]
  
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

[Handruin]

Translation

Clothing, spying, and searching will go cats..



==========================================



T: Male Social Clothes to price of manufactures! !!!!



Now you already can buy from an of the most most traditional male social manufacturers of clothes, 27 years of market, now sells his products, suits, trousers, shirts and blazer´s to price of manufactures in the retail trade. The best models and weaves, with high quality. Manufacturer for big shops located in shoppings completely Brazil. Do not lose! The best conditions of payment.



Special conditions for quantity.



ßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßßß



T: Espionage and monitoramento



SIP- THE TECHNOLOGY IN THE INQUIRY,



It PRESENTS: environmental Listenings and telefônicas,micro-câmeras imperceptible and a lot more. clique here
and know the world from the espionage... protect itself!



If quiser remover of our list clique here

 

[Mercutio]

Moderation has been performed on .Nut's post. It's an iffy thing in this case, and maybe a bit of text from Gary acknowledging the nature of the content would've changed my mind, but there were a couple of naughty words in there that warranted some action.

 

[.Nut]

Moderation has been performed on .Nut's post. It's an iffy thing in this case, and maybe a bit of text from Gary acknowledging the nature of the content would've changed my mind, but there were a couple of naughty words in there that warranted some action.

Well, it certainly didn't contain any of the "Seven Deadly Words" in it. It was prime bar & grille material. Do we have any 13 year olds here?


===============================================

• [list:c00297daed] APPENDIX TO OPINION OF THE COURT
  
  
  The following is a verbatim transcript of "Filthy Words" prepared by the Federal Communications Commission.

Aruba-du, ruba-tu, ruba-tu. I was thinking about the curse words and the swear words, the cuss words and the words that you can't say, that you're not supposed to say all the time, cause words or people into words want to hear your words. Some guys like to record your words and sell them back to you if they can, (laughter) listen in on the telephone, write down what words you say. A guy who used to be in Washington, knew that his phone was tapped, used to answer, Fuck Hoover, yes, go ahead. (laughter) Okay, I was thinking one night about the words you couldn't say on the public, ah, airwaves, um, the ones you definitely wouldn't say, ever, [']cause I heard a lady say bitch one night on television, and it was cool like she was talking about, you know, ah, well, the bitch is the first one to notice that in the litter Johnie right (murmur) Right. And, uh, bastard you can say, and hell and damn so I have to figure out which ones you couldn't and ever and it came down to seven but the list is open to amendment, and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now, ha, a lot of people pointed things out to me, and I noticed some myself. The original seven words were, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Those are the ones that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands and (laughter) maybe, even bring us, God help us, peace without honor (laughter) um, and a bourbon. (laughter) And now the first thing that we noticed was that word fuck was really repeated in there because the word motherfucker is a compound word and it's another form of the word fuck. (laughter) You want to be a purist it doesn't really--it can't be on the list of basic words. Also, cocksucker is a compound word and neither half of that is really dirty. The word--the half sucker that's merely suggestive (laughter) and the word cock is a half-way dirty word, 50% dirty--dirty half the time, depending on what you mean by it. (laughter) Uh, remember when you first heard it, like in 6th grade, you used to giggle. And the cock crowed three times, heh (laughter) the cock--three times. It's in the Bible, cock in the Bible. (laughter) And the first time you heard about a cock-fight, remember--What? Huh? naw. It ain't that, are you stupid? man. (laughter, clapping) It's chickens, you know, (laughter) Then you have the four letter words from the old Angle-Saxon fame. Uh, shit and fuck. The word shit, uh, is an interesting kind of word in that the middle class has never really accepted it and approved it. They use it like, crazy but it's not really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word. (laughter) They don't like that, but they say it, like, they say it like, a lady now in a middle-class home, you'll hear most of the time she says it as an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before she knows. She says, Oh shit oh shit, (laughter) oh shit. If she drops something, Oh, the shit hurt the broccoli. Shit. Thank you. (footsteps fading away) (papers ruffling)

Read it! (from audience)

Shit! (laughter) I won the Grammy, man, for the comedy album. Isn't that groovy? (clapping, whistling) (murmur) That's true. Thank you. Thank you man. Yeah. (murmer) (continuous clapping) Thank you man. Thank you. Thank you very much, man. Thank, no, (end of continuous clapping) for that and for the Grammy, man, [']cause (laughter) that's based on people liking it man, yeh, that's ah, that's okay man. (laughter) Let's let that go, man. I got my Grammy. I can let my hair hang down now, shit. (laughter) Ha! So! Now the word shit is okay for the man. At work you can say it like crazy. Mostly figuratively, Get that shit out of here, will ya? I don't want to see that shit anymore. I can't cut that shit, buddy. I've had that shit up to here. I think you're full of shit myself. (laughter) He don't know shit from Shinola. (laughter) you know that? (laughter) Always wondered how the Shinola people felt about that (laughter) Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola, (laughter) Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya. (laughter) How are ya? (laughter) Boy, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch. (laughter) Guess, I'll shit on my watch. (laughter) Oh, the shit is going to hit de fan. (laughter). Built like a brick shit-house. (laughter) Up, he's up shit's creek. (laughter) He's had it. (laughter) He hit me, I'm sorry. (laughter) Hot shit, holy shit, tough shit, eat shit. (laughter) shit-eating grin. Uh, whoever thought of that was ill. (murmur laughter) He had a shit - eating grin! He had a what? (laughter) Shit on a stick. (laughter) Shit in a handbag. I always like that. He ain't worth shit in a handbag. (laughter) Shitty. He acted real shitty. (laughter) You know what I mean? (laughter) I got the money back, but a real shitty attitude. Heh, he had a shit-fit. (laughter) Wow! Shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't there. (murmur, laughter) All the animals--Bull shit, horseshit, cow shit, rat shit, bat shit. (laughter) First time I heard bat shit, I really came apart. A guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw! Bat shit. (laughter) Vera reminded me of that last night, ah (murmur). Snake shit, slicker than owl shit. (laughter) Get your shit together. Shit or get off the pot. (laughter) I got a shit - load full of them. (laughter) I got a shit-pot full, all right. Shit-head, shit-heel, shit in your heart, shit for brains, (laughter) shit-face, heh (laughter) I always try to think how that could have originated; the first guy that said that. Somebody got drunk and fell in some shit, you know. (laughter) Hey, I'm shit-face. (laughter) Shit-face, today. (laughter) Anyway, enough of that shit. (laughter) The big one, the word fuck that's the one that hangs them up the most. [']Cause in a lot of cases that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So, it's natural that the word would, uh, have the same effect. It's a great word, fuck, nice word, easy word, cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable, short u. (laughter) Fuck. (Murmur) You know, it's easy. Starts with a nice soft sound fuh ends with akuh. Right? (laughter) A little something for everyone. Fuck (laughter) Good word. Kind of a proud word, too. Who are you? I am FUCK, (laughter) FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) Tune in again next week to FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN. (laughter) It's an interesting word too, [']cause it's got a double kind of a life--personality--dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It leads a double life, the word fuck. First of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time, fuck. What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love. (laughter) we're really going to fuck, yeh, we're going to make love. Right? And it also means the beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so there's the word hanging around with words like love, and life, and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's one that you have toward the end of the argument. (laughter) Right? (laughter) You finally can't make out. Oh, fuck you man. I said, fuck you. (laughter, murmur) Stupid fuck. (laughter) Fuck you and everybody that looks like you. (laughter) man. It would be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word fuck for the word kill, wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would change a little bit. Madfuckers still on the loose. Stop me before I fuck again. Fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump. Easy on the clutch Bill, you'll fuck that engine again. (laughter) The other shit one was, I don't give a shit. Like it's worth something, you know? (laughter) I don't give a shit. Hey, well, I don't take no shit, (laughter) you know what I mean? You know why I don't take no shit? (laughter) [']Cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) If I give a shit, I would have to pack shit. (laughter) But I don't pack no shit cause I don't give a shit. (laughter) You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) That's a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out the bird's ass. You wouldn't shit me, would you? (laughter) It's an eight-year-old joke but a good one. (laughter) The additions to the list. I found three more words that had to be put on the list of words you could never say on television, and they were fart, turd and twat, those three. (laughter) Fart, we talked about, it's harmless. It's like tits, it's a cutie word, no problem. Turd, you can't say but who wants to, you know? (laughter) The subject never comes up on the panel so I'm not worried about that one. Now the word twat is an interesting word. Twat! Yeh, right in the twat. (laughter) Twat is an interesting word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang word applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch, box and pussy all have other meanings, man. Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, We're going to snatch that pussy and put him in a box and bring him on the airplane. (murmer, laughter) Everybody loves it. The twat stands alone, man, as it should. And two-way words. Ah, ass is okay providing you're riding into town on a religious feast day. (laughter) You can't say, up your ass. (laughter) You can say, stuff it! (murmur) There are certain things you can say its weird but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you also. (clapping whistling) [/list:u:c00297daed]

 

[SteveC]

A Nigerian diplomat in the Czech Republic was murdered by someone who fell for the infamous spam.

 

[Prof.Wizard]

:eekers: :eekers: :eekers:

Dr. Daniel Maghori,
Secretary to the Niger Delta Development Commission,
Old Secretariat Complex,
Victorial-Island, Lagos.

Dear Sir,

I am a highly placed official of Government of
Nigeria and also a founding member of the ruling
Peoples Democratic Party(PDP).

My committee - The Niger Delta Development Commission(NDDC)-which is in charge of managing and supervising the disbursement of oil sales revenues for the Nigerian government which covers payment to foreign and local contractors that have executed contracts for our country.The revenue under our control runs into several hundred of millions of dollars monthly.Myself and other colleagues in the NDDC are currently in need of a foreign partner with whose bank account we shall transfer the sum of Forty Nine Million Five Hundred Thosand United States Dollars($49.5m). This fund was accrued from various over invoicing of foreign contractors' payments made over the years.

The Total fund is presently waiting in the
Government Account named CBN/FGN INDEPENDENT REVENUE
account Central Bank of Nigeria.However, by virtue
of our position as civil servants and members of
the NDDC, we cannot acquire this funds in our name.
This is because as top civil servants, we are not
allowed by law of the land to own or
operate bank accounts outside our country for now.

I have been delegated as a matter of trust by my
colleagues, to look for an overseas partner in whose
account we would transfer the fund,hence the reason
for this mail.We shall be Transferring the money to
your account with your company as the beneficiary,
under the guise that you are being paid for a contract
which you/your company executed for our country through
the NDDC and any other Federal Ministry that we decide
to use to siphon the funds through.

For your support and partnership,please reply me to
negotiate your fees or the percentage you wish to be
paid when the funds arrive your bank account.

You must however note that this transaction, with
regards to our disposition to continue with you, is
subject to these terms. Firstly, our conviction of
your transparency.Secondly, that you treat this
transaction with utmost secrecy and confidentiality.
Finally and above all, that you will provide an account
over which you have absolute control .

The transaction, although discrete, is legitimate
and there is no risk or legal lliability either
to ourselves or yourself now or in the future as we
have put in place the neccesary machinery that will
ensure a hitch free transfer into your account upon
acceptance.

The transfer will be effected to your account within
ten to fourteen (10-14) working days from the date we
reach an agreement and you furnish me with a
suitable bank account and company name and address
with all your contact numbers including fax number.

I am looking forward to doing business with you and
do solicit your confidentiality in this transaction,
Please mail your response to me through the Email address
above for me to update you on our plans as to how we intend to actualize this transaction.

Sincerely yours,

Dr. Daniel Maghori.

 

[Dozer]

Here's one:

Date:February 24,2003
Email:ahmads2003@post.com

DEAR CRUM,

Compliments.


My name is MR AHMAD SUMBO, a close confidant of MR.DAVID CRUM, a foreign
national but who was resident farmer in Zimbabwe. Since his death I have made
several enquiries to your embassy to locate any of my friend's extended
relatives, this has also proved unsuccessful.

After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to trace his last name over
the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you. I
have contacted you to assist in repatriating the money left behind by my
friend before they get confisicated or declared unserviceable by the security
company where this huge deposits were lodged.
The crux of the matter is that during the war against the farmers in Zimbabwe
from the supporters of President Robert Mugabe to claim all the white-owned
farms to his party members and his followers, he ordered all white farmers to
surrender all their farms to his party members and his followers.

My friend being one of the best farmers in the country and because he did not
support Mugabe's ideas,Mugabe's supporters invaded his farm and burnt
everything in the farm, killing him and his entire household and made away with
a lot of items in his farm.

Before his death, he had deposited with one of the Security Companies in
Johannesburg, South Africa the sum of US$15 Million (Fifteen million USD), then
after his death,because of the apprehension all over the places I decided to
move out of Zimbabwe.

since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the the relatives for some years
now,I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since
you have the same last name so that the proceeds of this transaction is
moved out of South Africa.
You will be rewarded with 20% of the total sum for your assistance, 5% will be
mapped out for any expenses that may be incurred in the course of this
transaction and 75% will be for us to invest in your country.

All I want you to do is to furnish me with your confidential phone and fax
numbers for easy communication.
You can contact me via email :ahmads2003@post.com.
Note that this transaction is 100% risk free and absolutely confidential.


Thanks and God bless.

Regards,
MR AHMAD SUMBO

What a crock! :roll: :evil:

What idiots actually believe this stuff?

 

[Mr. Jingles]

Want me to hunt him down, Mr. Dozer? I'll find him and gnaw his toes off! :smack:

 

[iGary]

The incessant flow of this bullshit is just amazing:

• ATTN.PRESIDENT/CEO,
  
  I am MR .ROY MANTU, Branch Accounts Manager of PRUDENT BANK NIGERIA LIMITED, Lagos Branch.
  
  On SUNDAY, February 2, 2003, a bomb blast explosion took place on the Lagos Island, right inside My bank; So far a total lost of about 35 million us dollars has been recorded, this includes both cash and property of the bank.
  
  However as the Accounts Manager of the BANK,I diecovered Most of our Data on accounts has been lost as well, as there has not been any back up or network trace even from the HEADQUARTERS;therefore all losses would be artributed to the Explosion...

===============================================

• ATTNEAR FRIEND.
  
  URGENT ASSISTANCE NEEDED
  
  My greetings.
  
  I know you will be amazed to read from me, but please consider this letter as a request from a widow in need of help. I am Mrs. Maria Omena Kabila, the last wife of late President of Democratic Republic of Congo, Laurent Kabila. I, on behalf of Nkulo's family decided to solicit for assistance to move the sum of US$21,500,000.00 (Twenty-one million five hundred thousand United States Dollars) out of this country to your personal account, believing that the funds will be saved in your bank account for my investment...

===============================================

• Sir/Madam,
  
  I am PRINCE AZU ZUBBY the Chief Accountant of the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (NNPC) headquarters in Lagos , Nigeria. I reliably got your contact from Nigeria Chamber of Commerce. I have no reason to doubt your honesty and credibility hence I make this proposal to you. Please, treat with utmost confidence and excuse me for the embarrassment this letter might cause you as we have not met or known each other before.
  
  I have the mandate of my colleagues in office to solicite for your assistance for a deal we want to execute, My Corporation (NNPC) awarded a contract of US$86,700,000.00 (Eighty - Six Million, Seven Hundred Thousand U.S Dollars) to a Foreign firms to supply...

===============================================

• Strictly Confidential & Urgent Business Proposal.
  
  Re: Transfer Of Usd $21,500.000{Twenty - One Million, Five Hundred Thousand Us Dollars Only.
  
  I am a member of the Federal Government Of Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation (N.N.P.C). Sometime ago, a contract was awarded to a foreign firm in the Petroleum Trust Fund (P.T.F.) BY MY COMMITTEE.
  
  This contract was over invoiced to the tune of us$ 21.5Million Dollars. This was done delibrately. The over - invoicing was a deal by my committee to benefit from the project...

===============================================

• STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL
  
  Dear Sir,
  
  I am MR.MILKY GUEI, the son of late GENERAL ROBERT GUEI Ex-Military Head of State of Ivory Coast, who was murdered along with the interior minister on the 19th of September 2002.
  
  I contacted you because of my need to deal with persons whom my family and I have had no previous personal relationships. Since the murder of my father, I have been subjected to all sorts of harassments and intimidation with lots of negative reports emananting from the Government and the Press about my family, the present Government of LAURENT GBAGBO has also ensured that out bank accounts are frozen and all assets seized.
  
  It is in view of this that I seek your co-operation and assistance in the transfer of this sum of Twenty Seven United States Dollars only US$27,000,000.00) being the very last of my family fund in my...

===============================================

• FROM: SEEKING YOUR IMMEDIATE ASSISTANCE.
  
  Please Permit me to make your acquaintance in so informal a manner. This is necessitated by my urgent need to reach a dependable and trust wordy foreign partner. This request may seem strange and unsolicited but I will crave your indulgence and pray that you view it seriously.
  
  My name is MR MOSES KUNGA of the Democratic Republic of Congo and One of the close aides to the former President of the Democratic Republic of Congo LAURENT KABILA of blessed memory, may his soul rest in peace.
  
  Due to the military campaign of LAURENT KABILA to force out the rebels in my country, I and some of my colleagues were instructed by Late President Kabila to go abroad to purchase arms and ammunition worth of Twenty Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US$20,500,000.00) to fight the rebel group. But when President Kabila was killed in a bloody shoot-out...

 

[i]

Turnips!