Quotes guaranteed to make you feel smarter (funny)

[Dozer]

Something my dad forwarded to me, and I wanted to share...

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever." --Miss Alabama in the
1994 Miss USA contest.

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but
not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life." --Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson
for the federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates
in the country." --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
the president." --Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass , and
I'm just the one to do it." --A congressional candidate in Texas.

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians
were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." --John Wayne

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies
manager, Danny Ozark

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." --Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another." --George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from
the truth. I assisted in furthering that version." --Colonel Oliver
North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports
analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people.”--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." --Bill Clinton,
President

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur." --Al
Gore, VP

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we
received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply
if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social
Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And
the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark
S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

:lol:

 

[Handruin]

nice!

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another." --George Bush, US President

 

[Prof.Wizard]

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or
another." --George Bush, US President

This is by far the most stupid. AND I SWEAR I SAW HANDRUIN'S POST LATER...

 

[SteveC]

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies
manager, Danny Ozark

I always thought that was Yogi Berra who said that. Wasn't it?

My favorite Yogi quote is "Nobody goes there anymore. It too crowded."

Steve

 

[Buck]

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

 

[Prof.Wizard]

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

Don't know who this Enderbery is but he's certainly too wise... he talks about the millennia ago when Australia was still connected with Eurasia! :mrgrn:

 

[Tea]

Backwards geology, Constantine. Australia was almost connected with Asia during the ice ages, when sea levels were low, but not quite. Back before that, in the dinasour era, Australia was part of Gondwana - the great southern continent, which also included India, New Zealand, New Guniea, Antarctica and South America. India and South America were the first to drift away. (India is still drifting north, as a matter of fact, and the mighty Himalayas are a direct consequence of the collision between the Indian geological plate and the Asian one.) New Zealand was next to drift north, and New Guinea was an early departure too.

Australia remained connected to the diminished Gondwana for longer and seperated not long after the end of the dinosaur era. It is still drifting north and is butting up against New Guinea now (which is the cause of the massive mouintain building in the New Guinea highlands), while New Zealand is drifting east toward Australia. There has been talk of Oz and NZ uniting now and again- which in political terms is unlikely, as Oz is at most luke-warm on the idea and NZ hostile to it. However, it is actually inevitable: in a mere 60 million years or so NZ will be an outer suburb of Sydney.

 

[Tea]

By the way, I take it that we are talking about this man:

KEP ENDERBY

Born Dubbo, New South Wales, 25th June 1926 and educated at Dubbo High School 1939-1943. As a teenager won numerous golf tournaments and championships. Served as a trainee pilot in the Australian Air Force 1944/1945. Studied law at Sydney University 1946/1950. Admitted as barrister to NSW Bar 1950. As an amateur, won numerous Australian golf championships between 1946 and 1950.
Lived and worked as a solicitor in London, England between 1950 and 1954 and part time did post graduate studies in law at the University of London. With some success, played in the British Amateur and Open Golf Championships in 1951 and 1952. Returned to Australia in 1955. § Foundation member of the NSW Council for Civil Liberties.
Practiced as a barrister at the NSW Bar and taught law, part time, at Sydney Technical College 1955/1962. Moved to Canberra 1962 to work as Senior Lecturer in Law at the Australian National University. Returned to the Bar, in Canberra in 1966, continuing to teach law part time until being elected, as an Australian Labor Party candidate, to the House of Representatives of the Australian Parliament in 1970.
Appointed a Queens Council [QC] in 1973. § Acted as defence counsel for many anti -Vietnam war activists.
Elected as part of the Whitlam Labor Government in 1972.
Minister for the Australian Capital Territory and also the Northern Territory 1972/1973.
Minister for Secondary Industry and Supply 1973/1974
Minister for Manufacturing Industry 1974/1975
Minister for Customs and Excise, 1975 and finally
Attorney-General of Australia 1975.
Parliamentary delegate to the Australian Constitutional Convention 1973.
Chairman, House of Representatives Privileges Committee 1973.
Member of the National Executive of the Australian Labor Party 1971/1975.
Leader Australian Parliamentary Delegation to Sweden, Denmark and the USSR 1973. As Minister for Manufacturing Industry, in 1974, made official visit to England, France, Sweden, the then two republics of West and East Germany and the then Czechoslavakia. Leader of the Australian Delegation to 5th UN Congress on Crime and Punishment in Geneva 1975.
For many years President of the Australian/ Soviet Friendship Society.
After the dismissal of the Whitlam Government in 1975 and its subsequent defeat at the 1975 election, moved to Sydney in 1976 and returned to practice at the ACT and NSW Bars. Practiced as a QC.
Appointed a Justice of the Supreme Court of NSW in 1982.
President, NSW Branch of the Australian Institute of International Affairs 1983/1985.
Councillor of Australian Academy of Forensic Sciences, 1983/1986.
Retired from the Supreme Court in 1992.
Became President, Australia Esperanto Association, 1992/1997. Chairman, Local Organising Committee of 82nd Universala Kongreso de Esperanto in Adelaide in 1997.
Chairman, NSW Serious Offenders Review Council 1997/2000.

From: http://www.nswccl.org.au/who_are_we_files/Biographies.htm

 

[Tea]

But as for the best stupid quote, from a field of outstanding quality, this one is my favourite: That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass , and I'm just the one to do it.

Nice one, Dozer.

 

[Dozer]

That one gets my vote as well--makes me laugh every time I read or think about it.