question Thoughts on Reconciliation With An Ex

[forstory]

Was wondering what your thoughts are on getting back with an ex? Going through a crappy dilemma right now, and was wondering if anyone had any opinion on the matter - like whether it's a good idea or if its something that's bound to fail, and how you'd go about winning an ex back in the first place.

Personally, I've never reconciled with an ex before but then again, I've never remained friends with any of my exes with the exception of her. Its been a year since breaking up, and we still hang out but lately I've been feeling more attracted to her compared to the past year and she's been sending me hot cold signals (only in the last 2 weeks) which has confused me to no end. I don't know if I should stop talking to her to clear my head or to actually bring it up, any advice?

 

[Stereodude]

That probably depends on why you broke up with her a year ago. Without more backstory it's hard to give any good bro advice.

 

[snowhiker]

Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice.....or however the saying goes....

 

[LunarMist]

Was wondering what your thoughts are on getting back with an ex? Going through a crappy dilemma right now, and was wondering if anyone had any opinion on the matter - like whether it's a good idea or if its something that's bound to fail, and how you'd go about winning an ex back in the first place.

Personally, I've never reconciled with an ex before but then again, I've never remained friends with any of my exes with the exception of her. Its been a year since breaking up, and we still hang out but lately I've been feeling more attracted to her compared to the past year and she's been sending me hot cold signals (only in the last 2 weeks) which has confused me to no end. I don't know if I should stop talking to her to clear my head or to actually bring it up, any advice?

Have you spoken with you attorney about this?

 

[Stereodude]

Have you spoken with you attorney about this?

Based on the context it seems like he's referring to an ex-girlfriend, not an ex-wife. So, I don't think he needs legal advice.

I'm more curious as to why he's hanging been out with an ex-GF for the past year.

 

[Chewy509]

Short version: Don't. They're an ex- for a reason.

Long version: Don't get back together. In some circumstances it can work, but in most it doesn't work long term... You just need to ask yourself: why did you split? what has changed since then? Do I know who I am and what I want/need from a relationship (with this or any other person)?

 

[LunarMist]

Based on the context it seems like he's referring to an ex-girlfriend, not an ex-wife. So, I don't think he needs legal advice.

I'm more curious as to why he's hanging been out with an ex-GF for the past year.

Then no.

 

[Tannin]

Pay no attention to the negative, arrogant views above, Forstory.

Staying friends with an ex is normal, healthy behaviour. Most civilised people do this. If you liked someone enough to want to go out with them in the first place, if you had enough in common to have a worthwhile relationship to start with, if the relationship was ever caring and respectful and free of jealousy, then all of these things still apply after it is over. They don't disappear just because you are not sleeping together any more.

Friendships with exes are often particularly rewarding: you've both been there, done that, you both have someone new, you can talk about anything, there is no tension left, nothing to argue about, a really good understanding between you. Generally you won't see much of one another (that phase of your lives is in the past now) but when you do there is a real warmth there that lasts for many years.

First you both have to understand, in your different ways, why the relationship ended, and you both must individually have dealt with the feelings that raised. This can take a little time.

As for starting an old relationship up again, it depends. Is the spark still there? Have you understood and dealt with the reasons the first try broke up? Are you confident that both of you really do still have the spark, and that both of you have learned and gone past the things that made you break up? Take small steps. There is no hurry.

Old flames can make the very best sort of relationship.

 

[Stereodude]

Well, we found the rose colored glasses wearing delusionalist in the group. If things were as happy and amicable between the two of them as you imagine them, they wouldn't have broken up in the first place. Fixating on his ex and hanging out with her (unless in an occasional group context) only prevents him from moving on and finding someone else with whom he is more compatible.

 

[forstory]

Well, we had communication issues back then and were on different frequencies, hence repeated arguments leading to nowhere. The past year for myself has been enriching to say the least and I definitely do feel a lot wiser compared to the me one year ago. To be frank, the break up didn't end on a terrible note back then, just that we both grew tired of the arguments despite however strongly we felt for each other. We couldn't see eye to eye back then and I'm not sure if it was a 'phase of life' difference or something more unchanging, but thoughts?

 

[forstory]

Pay no attention to the negative, arrogant views above, Forstory.

Staying friends with an ex is normal, healthy behaviour. Most civilised people do this. If you liked someone enough to want to go out with them in the first place, if you had enough in common to have a worthwhile relationship to start with, if the relationship was ever caring and respectful and free of jealousy, then all of these things still apply after it is over. They don't disappear just because you are not sleeping together any more.

Friendships with exes are often particularly rewarding: you've both been there, done that, you both have someone new, you can talk about anything, there is no tension left, nothing to argue about, a really good understanding between you. Generally you won't see much of one another (that phase of your lives is in the past now) but when you do there is a real warmth there that lasts for many years.

First you both have to understand, in your different ways, why the relationship ended, and you both must individually have dealt with the feelings that raised. This can take a little time.

As for starting an old relationship up again, it depends. Is the spark still there? Have you understood and dealt with the reasons the first try broke up? Are you confident that both of you really do still have the spark, and that both of you have learned and gone past the things that made you break up? Take small steps. There is no hurry.

Old flames can make the very best sort of relationship.

Thanks for the comforting words @Tannin. It's good to know that someone believes in patching things back with an old flame. I mean personally, I wouldn't have been someone to consider it in the past because of the whole 'once bitten twice shy' mindset, but these days, I feel like time CAN change people, sometimes for the better, sometimes no, but if it's the former and the person has since improved to become a better person than they were in the relationship that ended, perhaps things may just work out?

 

[Tannin]

Forstory, I can't comment on your particular relationship, of course, but you are saying and apparently thinking positive things. I like that. Those things you didn't see eye to eye on, have you both changed in regard to them? Are they things you can negotiate your way through together? (No, don't tell us what they are, just think them over, talk them over.) They might be things which you'll never agree on, in which case you may be able to find a way to live with them (if the relationship is worth it, and you are both accepting of that compromise) or they might be things which will never work out, in which case you are best to part and move on. Or they might be things you can resolve together. It all depends on circumstances. There is no one right answer, only the answer which is right for the two of you. And you two are the only ones who can decide that. Again, there is no hurry! Take your time, think it over, get it right as best you can.

Sterodude, most successful marriages (never mind other relationships) have arguments and break-ups along the way. They take work, commitment, patience, understanding, acceptance, compromise. No real-world relationship is perfect. The question is - as always - is this relationship, all things considered, a good one for both of you? Is it worth the extra effort? Or are you better off to move on? Without knowing the people very well indeed, it is impossible to say. Hell, I know a couple who broke up nearly 20 years ago but stayed in touch, stayed good friends, call each other every night, and still spend a couple of days a week together, year in and year out. The relationship gets a little closer with each passing year. Does this mean that neither one will ever link up with someone new? Sure it does. Do they care? Nope. It works for them. There are no right answers. It is always whatever works for you.

It is disrespectful to turn your back on someone you once cared for. Sure, give them the space they need to get on with their life (and take the space you need yourself). But always, if you cared for and respected someone enough to have a relationship in the first place, have the decency to maintain that respect and care afterwards.

 

[Stereodude]

Well, we had communication issues back then and were on different frequencies, hence repeated arguments leading to nowhere. The past year for myself has been enriching to say the least and I definitely do feel a lot wiser compared to the me one year ago. To be frank, the break up didn't end on a terrible note back then, just that we both grew tired of the arguments despite however strongly we felt for each other. We couldn't see eye to eye back then and I'm not sure if it was a 'phase of life' difference or something more unchanging, but thoughts?

How old are you both?

PS: People very rarely change.

 

[Tannin]

People very rarely change.

Hmmm ... some girls I have known change out of recognition, sometimes twice in five minutes.

 

[Tea]

^ Ignore that. He's talking about me, of course. Probably hopes I wouldn't notice.

 

[LunarMist]

Tea seems to be getting older now (9 yo).

 

[Tea]

I thought I'd always been 9.

It certainly seems like forever. Mind you, working with Tannin can make ten minutes seem like forever.