I spent all weekend at the Chicago comic convention.
An apology and details to follow:
Apology: I DID NOT bring my camera. I a total freakin' moron, but the down sides to attending these events involve the possibility of theft and the tremendous burden of stuff you accumulate. So even though I saw at various different times, 11 utterly accurate Stormtrooper, TIE Fighter and Imperial Guards (who, I learned, had radios and small fans inside their helmets) from Star Wars, 3 gentlemen and one lady in "Aliens" Colonial Space marine costumes, a picture-perfect Captain Jack Sparrow who had Johnny Depp's mannerisms down so well I'm STILL not sure he was an impersonator, a "She Hulk" (skin dyed green for the weekend... she said it would wear off in a week, wow) and a "She Ra" and dozens of less famous characters, I don't have pictures of any of them.
Highlights, day 1:
1. Getting over a bad case of nerves well enough to walk into the convention center. In the end, I followed someone dressed as one of Jabba's Slave girls.
I wanted to know what her head-tentacles were made out of (beanbag covered with latex, she said).
2. I attended a panel conducted by Jack "Statesman" Emmett, the lead developer for City of Heroes. He talked about game design, MMOs and the future of his creation. Throughout the convention, I was able to visit NCSoft's booth to play as my character in City. Most gratifying, to me, was the interest in the super-hero game by kids.
3. A one-hour long line to see Alex Ross. I bought a limited edition print and had it signed. Alex Ross's painting simply define the iconic, realistic super-hero at this point. I had to have one.
4. Meeting the cute goth girls in the hotel room next to mine. There were four of them, and we rode up on the elevator together. They were asking me about my Alex Ross print and we talked about comics outside our doors for a bit... They invited me into their room... where it became abundantly clear they were two couples. That... was an awkward moment for me, but I saw them all weekend and I ended up exchanging email addresses with three of the four, and carrying some of their stuff back to their room for them at one point.
5. Went to see Alien Vs. Predator. In a darkened crowd with my geek brothers and sisters, I knew I was in for a treat when people dressed as Mike, Tom and Crow (mystery science theater 3000) showed up and took up their position at the front of the theater. Their comments were far, far, FAR better than the movie. Yes, they probably ruined the movie for the three or people in the room who WEREN'T from the convention; for the rest it was a pretty good time.
6. Cursed myself for not actually buying a comic book. Didn't want to drink or hang out in the public spaces with other sullen loners. Went back to hotel room to enjoy their only decent TV channel (History) while listening to the giggles and other happy noises from the room next door. Very, very lonely.
Day 2:
1. In the morning, getting coffee at the Starbucks in the lobby, one of my neighbors explained to a still-drunken suitor that "Any woman who shows up at a comic convention is going to get a pick at whoever she wants; right now, you're so far out of the running it's worse than pathetic." Somehow, watching a drunken ass getting shot down HARD at 8:30 in the morning made the start to my day several kinds of better.
2. Got in early enough to get tickets to get tickets for all the big events: Joss Whedon's presentation and signing, Kevin Smith's presentation and signing. My task then became: Find suitable things for them to autograph.
Kevin Smith was fairly easy. I hit the "View Askew" booth to find something appropriate, to find Bryan Johnson and Walt Flanigan (the stereotypical comic shop owner, and his, er, harpy from the movie "Mallrats") actually manning the booth. Autographed "Clerks" figures? Sure. I'll take all of them. Mini-poster of Jay's rant in Mooby's from "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back"? That too. Ultimately I decided on a Clerks poster as autograph-target. Sometimes, you just have to go with the classics.
Unfortunately, now I had to carry all the crap around all day.
3. Stuff for Joss Whedon was a little harder. I ended up settling on an "Astonishing Xmen" #1, until I saw that Amber Benson - Tara from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (who, despite appearances on the show, is a tiny, tiny little whisp of a woman with very real awkward wallflower mannerisms), was also at the convention. I tore through about five different booths until I found a "Buffy the Musical" songbook.
4. Standing in line for Amber's autograph on my songbook. The great thing was, there were only a couple of people behind me by the time I got to the head of the line, so I was actually able to talk to her for a couple minutes. Amber had two absolutely fantastic numbers in the musical, and I told her about how much I love that single piece of television, that I'm a singer, too etc... after a couple minutes she convinced me to sing a bit of any one of the songs, which I did (Giles' "Standing in the Way"), and I got what I'm convinced was an absolutely genuine smile from it, and even a little applause from the guys behind me.
5. Line for Kevin signing. He remembered me from the year before, but couldn't remember WHY he remembered me, so I spent a moment reminding him. That was a warm fuzzy in and of itself, but man, it got topped several times over the rest of the con.
6. Line for Joss signing. Joss Whedon flew in on a redeye flight from filming the Firefly movie (5 days of shooting left) and was IMMEDIATELY taken to his signing. But his face lit up when he saw Amber's signature on the same book. He wrote a several sentences that I am UTTERLY unable to decipher on the inside of my songbook, but whatever, it was a perfect thing just to be able to thank the man for three of the greatest TV series ever presented.
7. The T-shirt guys - I stopped at a booth with some extraordinarily witty Tshirts, and ended up buying six of them, prompting them to search through ALL their stock for their last 2XL shirts. As they found them I kept buying them, all the while teasing them for coming to a comic convention with an insufficient quantity of 2XL Tshirts.
My favorite Tshirt reads:
All that you
will receive
from me
is scorn,
mockery
and contempt
This will be important later.
8. The line for Kevin Smith's presentation: Two hours at very near the front of the line. I spent the time talking to the gentleman next to me, who writes his own rather amusing 'zine.
9. Kevin Smith's presentation. I was centered on the podium, six rows from the front. Unfortunately, the seats were set up far, far too close together, and although I had done a good job not being a stereotypical fat, smelly geek up to that point, I was fighting a losing battle in that room. Holy crap it was warm in that room!
As anyone who has seen an evening with Kevin Smith will tell you, the man is a vastly entertaining speaker, no matter the subject. Particular highlights from this year were Kevin dealing with a heckler who didn't think his movies were funny ("Face it dude, It's my room and you just aren't gonna win."), the reasons a 15-year-old kid wouldn't marry Jennifer Lopez, recent changes in the government of New Jersey, and alternate ending to "Return of the King" and "The Crucifixtion". He talked about future projects of his, but didn't give details.
10. After Kevin Smith's presentation: We were forced to clear the room, and I had to find the end of the line for the next presentation (Joss's)... wandering around the hotel lobby, I found Joss wandering too, along with his security detail. Unbelievably, he was just walking around talking to the folks waiting to hear his presentation. The guy was dead tired, but he still had the good heart to stop and TALK TO HIS FANS. In a very crowded hallway, I managed to just bump into the poor guy, and I got an "Excuse me... oh, hello again." for my trouble.
For you guys who don't understand, for me seeing this was a lot like finding out that Jesus, beside being the son of god and dying for your sins, also liked to knock one back and talk about the Cubs.
11. Joss's presentation. OK, I got to see a 45-second long, super exciting trailer for "Serenity", the Firefly movie (btw, ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE 10 HOURS OF FANTASTIC ENTERTAINMENT, PM ME). Joss, when asked to do the Dance of Joy (season two of Angel, in his only cameo from any of his series), instead did the Dance of Utter Exhaustion... basically, he fell over on stage. But that wasn't the entertaining part (although, like Kevin Smith, Joss is a supremely witty man). The entertaining part was an audience member asking for an autograph during the Q&A. At audience suggestion, he did the Snoopy dance (another Buffy reference) on top of his seat in trade. It was hysterical.
But then, I'm a drooling fanboy.
Other tidbits: Joss's dream is to stage a musical on screen...
and, his plans to bring back Amber Bensen to Buffy in the last season:
Buffy was to be granted a wish, that she could use to chance anything in the world. At the end of the episode, she was to show Willow a fantastic new pair of shoes:
Buffy: "Look at my shoes. Aren't they great? I couldn't afford them but now I have them."
Willow: "You could have anything in the world that you wanted, and you chose SHOES?!?"
Buffy: "Of course not, stupid...", and Buffy slides to one side to reveal Tara, Benson's character.
I gotta say, that moved me very deeply. I don't know if anyone knows what it's like connecting to something fictional THAT MUCH, but it's there for me. It really is. I choked up, and I wasn't the only guy to do it.
12. Night number two of being alone in my hotel room, listening to my neighbors. I watched infomercials, read comics, and lameted the fact the the bastards at Hyatt can apparently afford Fox News but not CNN. My neighbors were emphatically NOT watching TV.
Observation: There were tons of really, really attractive women at the con. OK, I'm not just talking about very patient girlfriends. I'm saying there were women there who were there AS FANS in and of themselves.
That gave me hope for humanity.
Until I remembered my neighbor's put-down from the morning and the noises they were making.
And then I was really lonely again.
Day 3:
1. I spilled maple syrup on my yellow Tshirt, forcing me to put on one of my newly purchased Ts from the day before.
2. Met and spoke with Jack Emmett from NCSoft about City of Heroes. He was just there manning the booth. A cool guy, obviously someone really into comic books. I wanted to buy... anything, but they weren't allowed to sell. Later, I found out they had trivia contests - Jack made up the questions on the spot, from whatever category the audience chose. The prizes were copies of the game.
3. Artist's Row: The main reason I came to the convention, above and beyond getting to see people whose work I idolize for whatever reason, is to see all the cool stuff that artists are doing. Some will do sketches while you wait. Others have mini-comics and self-published bits, and still others have high-quality prints for sale.
I went from booth to booth. I bought pictures and comics from probably two dozen artists, some who work in the comic industry, others trying to break in.
4. The Firefly booth: A fan-made and supported booth, just giving out free stuff related to Firefly/Serenity. I took some temporary tatoos and walked away knowing that there are people whose Joss Whedon addiction is orders of magnitude greater than my own.
4. The Tshirt incident:
In the very back corners of the con, there's a section for more "adult" entertainments: models, vintage pr0n, artists with a hard horror edge.
I was working my way up one aisle talking to a gentleman about his self-published comic "The Black Brotha'" (he came in costume), when someone took a picture of me. I noticed the flash go off.
She was an absolutely stunning, STUNNING woman in an olive green, low-cut top, with pouty lips and long dark hair.
And she talked to me: "I'm taking pictures of the funniest shirts I see at all these conventions. Do you mind if I put this on my web site?"
And then I looked down at her, uh, wares.
Aria Giovanni. Anyone heard of her?
Well, I have.
Google image search her. She's, no kidding, one of the most beautiful women on the planet.
I said sure, OK, whatever, and by the way, I'm a huge fan and have all your movies (I'm a big Andrew Blake fan and have been for a long time. He does great art-porn films), and PROBABLY all your pictures as well.
She said "Really, that's awesome!", sounding completely sincere.
She runs out from behind her table, rushes up next to me and gives me a peck on the cheek. Her (also very hot) assistant took a picture with a digital camera.
OK, so, at this point I realize that, 1. I am sweating like a PIG, and I hadn't been moments earlier, 2. My arm is nestled between Aria's natural wonders and 3. I have to fight the obvious and natural reactions - the OBVIOUS one being blushing, and the less said about the other, the better.
But that picture didn't turn out. The batteries in the digital are dead.
No problem. Aria pulls the bags of stuff I'm carrying around out of my arms, bends over her table (I am reduced to strange clucking noises at this point) and pulls out a Polaroid instant camera.
We take two more pictures. The first, I'm stiff as a board (my body is. What the hell were you thinking?), and I have a stupid look on my face. She hands that one to me: "We need to try again for my site."
This time she wraps herself up around me. Understand, I'm just cooperating with what she wants me to do, but somehow I end up touching just about every part of Aria a man, a mere mortal, might like to touch. Picture #2, I have an even dumber look, but she's hot as hell, and the writing on my shirt is completely legible. She keeps that one.
She signs my polaroid: "Normally I charge for guys to take pictures of me, but your shirt is the best one I've seen so far, so please take this."
I THINK I managed a "Thank you, earthly goddess" as I walked away, dazed, with my polaroid... completely forgetting my bags of stuff.
So, here's the thing so fucking awesome about all this:
I wander off to find the guys who sold me the shirt, to bear witness to its power. Aria Giovanni runs halfway across the convention center to give me back my stuff, finally meeting me at the Tshirt guys' booth. She DIDN'T send her assistant. She didn't wait to see if I'd come back.
... and We spend a good twenty minutes chatting, all of us. Understand, Aria is giving up probably $500 or so in autograph fees to stand next to a bunch of dorks (who, suddenly started selling a lot of shirts, oddly enough).
We talk about the shirts. And somehow segue into politics (despite appearances in all of her movies to date, Aria doesn't like Bush either). And we talk about the various sub-cultures represented at the con and on their shirts. We talked about censorship. At NO POINT did we talk about pr0n, or Aria, or anything like that. She was interested in what the Tshirt guys were doing, what we had to say, and we ended up having a normal, intelligent conversation (even me, once I recovered the power of speech in Her presence) on some somewhat geeky topics.
Aria got free Tshirts. I'm gonna be on Aria Giovanni's porn site, and we all got free autographed prints from her.
5. I spend the rest of the day in blissful nirvana. I find the passage of time has lost all meaning. I discover inner peace. Ommmmmmm.
