Opposites in relationships

[Chewy509]

This is follow on from the "How to convey an idea" thread.

Well E and I were talking about some of the dates we've been on (she actually has a guy stalking her, she's been to the cops, but has had little effect). We were just talking about the various horror stories, etc...

Anyway, she was looking over my shoulder at a couple about 3 tables over, and I asked her the go was? She was just wondering why very large girls are in relationships with very skinny guys? She then pointed out 3 other couples that also fit the bill, all in a restaurant with about 40 tables. When we were walking through the park, we saw even more couples that fit the description... It was like, every 4th or 5th couple we saw would fit the description, so on that night wasn't an isolated event?

So does anyone have any clues as to why that happens? Why you occasionally see very large women in relationships with very skinny guys? Sort of like, two extreme opposites in body shape and size?

I know it's a bizarre question, but it's something that has always puzzled me, as I tend to date people who are roughly my size and shape.

If you don't understand the question, I'm happy to help clarify it.

 

[ddrueding]

No idea. I haven't noticed, but I haven't been looking. I've dated a few people who were significantly larger than I am; but ended up leaving the relationship because of their lack of respect for themselves.

 

[Chewy509]

No idea. I haven't noticed, but I haven't been looking. I've dated a few people who were significantly larger than I am; but ended up leaving the relationship because of their lack of respect for themselves.

Fair enough, but in these cases they were obviously were long term relationships due to having small kids in tow.

I guess now that I've mentioned it, keep a look out for it.

 

[e_dawg]

It could be that, on a relative basis, both very large women and very skinny guys were not as successful as they could have been in terms of dating and then happened to find each other. Society tends to undervalue these populations of men and women, no? Just a thought...

 

[Will Rickards]

It would be interesting to know
A) What the mother's of these men look(ed) like
B) What the women looked like when they married the man

 

[ddrueding]

...and (different statistic) what the women's mothers look like.

 

[Clocker]

It could be that, on a relative basis, both very large women and very skinny guys were not as successful as they could have been in terms of dating and then happened to find each other. Society tends to undervalue these populations of men and women, no? Just a thought...

That's probably it, I'd bet.

 

[e_dawg]

It would be interesting to know
A) What the mother's of these men look(ed) like
B) What the women looked like when they married the man

Speaking of maternal figures and the art of selecting a mate, it is interesting to note that studies have shown that men and women are sometimes (often, even) attracted to others that remind them of a slightly idealized version of their primary caregivers -- i.e., their mothers and fathers. There is actually a name for this (no, not Oedipal complex) called Imago Theory, popularized by Harville Hendrix (links below).

It's pretty freaky, actually, because it can be surprisingly prophetic and revelatory if you are willing to get introspective and are completely honest with yourself.

Another sobering reality that is proposed by this theory is that you will NEVER find the perfect mate. In fact, it is much more likely that you will find someone who has the unique ability to push all your buttons, drive you up the wall like no other, and hurt you most deeply.

In the end, the theory goes, mutual knowledge and understanding of how and why we feel our partners generate these negative emotions in us, empathic communication, and teamwork is what will make relationships work -- not an idealized notion of finding "mr/mrs right" or a better version of what you have now.

http://gettingtheloveyouwant.com/articles/imago_into.html

http://www.oprah.com/tows/pastshows/tows_past_20011206_b.jhtml

 

[ddrueding]

I think the most important sign I have with a partner is when I feel the need to disagree often, and feel comfortable doing so.

 

[Bozo]

Thin men / large women: A lot of women gain weight after having children. Could be hormones or a shift in life style.
Men tend to gain weight later in life. More a shift in life style and eating habits.
That's a very unscientific observation I've made.

Bozo :joker:

 

[mubs]

Thanks for the many recent posts you've made, e_dawg. Very thought provoking and certainly inducement for introspection.

 

[e_dawg]

You're very welcome mubs. These concepts were revelatory to me at the time and have since changed my life in a positive way. It is my pleasure to share it with the fine people of SF.

 

[Chewy509]

Thanks guys, I think we've hit the spot...

e_dawg, thank you for those links, really interesting.

 

[udaman]

Thanks guys, I think we've hit the spot...

e_dawg, thank you for those links, really interesting.

Ok jtr, is this the part where I get banned for not being part of the pat everyone on the back, I'm too negative, don't buy into simplistic feel good analogies?

I read the links, and maybe shouldn't comment seeing how I'm in a terrifically s****y mood, but I do better understress in trying to communicate with 'her' than anything said in that article. maybe she needs to read it and can find *some* truths in it as far as her flaws. But there is also so much of that article which is fine for a 'common' human experience. I don't have a lot of that common experience and I can take that article apart if I had the time, pointing out the over generalizations. Fine for some, perhaps the majority. Doesn't fit all that well with my experiences.

Attracted to an idealized version of my mother, or what I did not get in childhood, or negatives from hurt in childhood. Well sure that is part of the equation for *some* people. I sure as hell don't think *she* is in anyway like either of my parents. Though perhaps others are. But is this really a subconscious thing on my part? Or are most of these generalized people just not in tough with themselves to recognize this things. And why would someone with different qualities (please, you'll almost allways find some similarities) not be attractive, if those are things that interest you, even without of oft quoted 'opposites attract' BS.

Oh god, I'm gay, subsciously, I want her so bad because I want to have sex with my father! She's hot, but no where even close to being as friggin drop dead gorgeous as Ms. Aqua GUI- and it doesn't really matter to me, it has nothing to do with either hurt of childhood wants/needs/experiences form primary care givers or anything else (well at least before Ms Aqua Gui put on a few pounds all around an is only merely just pretty now...it's a crue world I tell you. don't pay attention to me...I'm just bitter, you know ).

Yes I'm serious, ther are some worth while points to be made, especially about communication and needs, but so what! If you can't get to that point with the other person, you're just screwed; no matter a marriage, b/f-g/f, or just minimal interaction with other human beings.

It takes two to tango, but it takes more than that to work it out successfully. fact of the matter is that other people are unwilling, or more importantly in some cases, unable to make the kind of effort that is necessary. Fine idealistic & simplistic concepts that may work for some. it may help her, if she wants to think about it for herself and other relationships with the guys she 'wants' to fall in love with, and perhaps she'll find that one which she will marry, but I don't care about that, it may be a failure, it might succeed---but would it have anything to do with that article of simplistic idealism? Doubt it wll make any difference at all with respect to the poor communication problems I'm having.

 

[mubs]

Uda: Speaking for myself, I never said I agreed with everything (or anything for that matter); re-read my post. My wife does not remotely resemble my mother, physically or in personality or in behavior.

 

[e_dawg]

Udaman, a lot of it is subconscious, and it is a general framework that will apply to some people some of the time, but certainly not all people all of the time. If you're going to pick it apart, you will find flaws with it and that it can't explain things to your complete satisfaction.

Ultimately, it is merely a tool to help people make sense of inherently irrational phenomena like love, attraction, and relationships. It is up to the individual to use that tool as they see fit. It's like a craftsman who learns to use the right tool at the right time (and realizes that sometimes, the tool is far from ideal for the task at hand, but is the best he's got at the time and needs to make the best of it).

For example, another excellent tool (primarily for use in troubled relationships) is John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. You can use his description of the downward spiral pattern of in relationships (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) that he calls The "Four Horsemen" to identify the negative patterns and behaviours that you both are doing that are undermining your ability to be civil with each other. Just by reading a summary of all the negative stuff that you're doing can give you a much needed reality check and allow you to back down and call a truce, or at least extend the olive branch (or accept one that is handed to you).

He reinforces several other useful concepts as well that are not unique, but fundamental to a healthy relationship:

• avoiding harsh startups and flooding (to avoid putting your partner into a defensive mode right from the start of a conversation)
• making deposits into the emotional bank account by striving for positive interaction every day (so that you can draw on this accumulated goodwill when the sh*t hits the fan and you're both getting hurt)
• really getting to know your partner's likes/disklikes, needs/wants, hopes/dreams, seeking to understand them, and showing respect for them... and being able to express the same things to your partner and having them value those things about you

http://healthresources.caremark.com/topic/brmarriage