Parrot Joke

[Bartender]

May be old to some, but I got a good laugh just the same.

The Nasty Parrot

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully
grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives
were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's
attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music...
anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird,
and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the
freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking,
kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute
quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird,
and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said,
"I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions,
and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my
behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was
about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued,
"May I ask what the Chicken did?"

 

[Tannin]

That is just beautiful.

 

[NRG = mc²]

hehe

 

[P5-133XL]

I liked it.

thanks

 

[Koggit]

hahahahaha

 

[The JoJo]

Good one

 

[time]

I had heard it before, a couple of years ago I think, but it still packs a great punchline. Encore, Bartender, encore!

 

[Bartender]

... another joke:

You Have Only One Year To Live, Here's What To Do

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad
illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his
situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80
model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the
ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer
house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have
seem like forever."

 

[Dr. Willy]

Heheheh

 

[simonstre]

Here's another one :


Couple dialog in bed:

SHE: If i died, would you wed another one?
HE: Of course not!
SHE: NO? Why? You don't appreciate to be married?
HE: Of course that I appreciate it!
SHE: Then why would you not get married again?
HE: Ok, ok... I would get married, if it can make you happy.
SHE (with a sad look): You would wed again?
HE: Well, yeah...?
SHE: You'd replace my pictures?
HE: Ahem... errr... well, yeah.
SHE: You'd give her my car?
HE: No, she doesn't have her licenses.
SHE: :eekers:
HE: Ah, shit!

 

[Bartender]

Politically Correct Insults

Ever want to call someone stupid, but want to do it in a way that
is politically correct? Here are some great suggestions sent in
by various people...

A few clowns short of a circus

A few fries short of a Happy Meal

An experiment in artificial stupidity

A few beers short of a six pack

Dumber than a box of hair

A few peas short of a casserole

Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl

One taco short of a combination plate

A few feathers short of a whole duck

All foam, no beer

The cheese slid off his cracker

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel

Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt

Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way
down

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

As smart as bait

Chimney's clogged

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

Forgot to pay his brain bill

Her sewing machine's out of thread

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

His belt doesn't go through all the loops

If he had another brain, it would be lonely

Missing a few buttons on his remote control

No grain in the silo

Proof that evolution can go in reverse

Receiver is off the hook

Several nuts short of a full pouch

Sky light leaks a little

Slinky's kinked

Surfing in Nebraska

Too much yardage between the goal posts

 

[Cliptin]

Politically Correct Insults

Not the brightest bulb in the pack.

A few sandwiches short of a picnic.

 

[Cliptin]

The burglar was creeping noiselessly through the darkened home, filling his bag with various valuables. As he reached his hand out to a box of jewelry, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." Shaken, the burglar stopped. For a full minute he didn't dare breathe.

Finally, he switched on his flashlight and carefully played it around the room, but saw nothing. Convinced that it must have been his imagination, he turned off the flashlight and continued in his quest for another man's wealth.

He was busily unhooking a stereo set when he again heard, "Jesus is watching you." This time he nearly jumped out of his skin. Beads of sweat popped out on his face, and as he switched the light on again, the beam shook violently from his terror. He looked about the room, and noticed a bird cage in the corner. Upon closer inspection, he discovered a parrot in the cage.

"Are you the one that spoke to me just now?" asked the burglar.

"Yes, I am", said the parrot.

By this time, the man was over his fright and was more than a little irritated at this smart-mouthed parrot that had tried to scare the living daylights out of him.

"What's your name?" asked the burglar.

"Moses," the parrot said.

"Hah," the man guffawed. "What kind of people would name their parrot 'Moses'?"

The parrot exclaimed, "The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler 'Jesus.'"

 

[Prof.Wizard]

A few beers short of a six pack

Homer's prefered.

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

"Lab joke" of bored scientists?! :-?

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

LMAO :lol:

He fell out of the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way
down

ROFL :mrgrn:

As smart as bait

idem

Surfing in Nebraska

Landlocked State?

 

[Bartender]

Surfing in Nebraska

Landlocked State?

The epitome of a land-locked location.

 

[CougTek]

Surfing in Nebraska

Landlocked State?

LoL

Just go there with a surf board, you'll see why he wrote that.

 

[Handruin]

I think these are funny.

 

[Groltz]

 

[Bartender]

That last photo from Handruin makes me think of what Tannin's desk must look like.

 

[Buck]

Brain Exercisers

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow
older, it's important that we keep mentally alert. The saying: "If you don't
use it, you will lose it" also applies to the brain, so.........
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
So take the following test presented here and determine if you are losing it
or are still a MENSA candidate.
OK, relax, clear your mind and....... begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?
The answer is bread. If you said "toast," then give up now and go do
something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, "bread," go to
question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk." What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," please do not attempt the next
question. Your brain is obviously stressed out and may even overheat. It may
be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate
such as "Children's World." If you said, "water" then proceed to question
three.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue
bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made
from black bricks, what is a greenhouse made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," what
the heck are you still doing here reading these questions?????..... If you
said "glass," then go on to question four.

4. Twenty years ago, a plane is; flying at 20,000 feet over Germany. If you
will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany
and East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines fail. The
pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on
a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he has time
and the plane crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East
Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors - East Germany
or West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors? If you said ANYTHING else, you
are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash.
Your efforts would not be appreciated. ...... If you said, "Don't bury the
survivors" then proceed to the next question.

5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60th of a degree every minute then
how many degrees will the hour hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said "360 degrees" or anything other than "one
degree," you are to be congratulated on getting this far, but you are
obviously out of your league. Turn your pencil in and exit the room.
Everyone else proceed to the final question.

6. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford
Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people
get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and
four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea,
three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get
off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of
the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for heaven sake! It was YOU. Read the first line!!!

 

[Dozer]

Fun With UNIX

If you type these in from the csh (c shell): in Unix you really do get
these responses.

% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.

% got a light?
No match.

% sleep with me
bad character

% man: Why did you get a divorce?
man: Too many arguments.

% make 'heads or tails of all this'
Make: Don't know how to make heads or tails of all this. Stop.

% make sense
Make: Don't know how to make sense. Stop.

% make mistake
Make: Don't know how to make mistake. Stop.

% make bottle.open
Make: Don't know how to make bottle.open. Stop.

% \(-
(-: Command not found.

% make light
Make: Don't know how to make light. Stop.

% date me
You are not superuser: date not set Thu Aug 25 15:52:30
PDT 1988

% man rear
No manual entry for rear.

% If I had a ) for every dollar Clinton spent, what would
I have?
Too many )'s.

% * How would you describe Clinton
*: Ambiguous.

% %Vice-President
%Vice-President: No such job.

% ls Meese-Ethics
Meese-Ethics not found

% "How would you rate Clinton's senility?
Unmatched ".

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ]. |

% ^How did the^sex change operation go?
Modifier failed.

% who is my match?
No match.

% set i="Democratic_Platform";mkdir $i;chmod 000 $i;ls $i
Democratic_Platform unreadable

% awk "Polly, the ship is sinking"
awk: syntax error near line 1
awk: bailing out near line

 

[Buck]

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

 

[Tea]

 

[Cliptin]

Bwahahahahahhaah

 

[Tea]

Actually I am, of course, not a monkey, I am an ape and there is a significant difference. But despite the vast casm that seperates Homo pygmaeus from Colobus satanas or Papio hamadryas we are often classified together by ignorant humans as "simians" and, despite the gross error of this approach, I naturally like to speak up for my tailed cousins now and then.

But let us make no mistake here, like all the higher primates, I share some of my genetic material with monkeys, but a good deal more with the other apes, including chimpanzes, humans and gorillas. If we take Homo sapiens (humans) as our starting point, they and the other two members of the genus Homo (Homo paniscus and Homo troglodytes - the Chimpanze and the Bonobo or Pigmy Chimpanze) are seperated by a mere 1.6% of their genetic material. Gorillas (Gorilla Gorilla) are closely related to humans too, at 97.6% common genes, but just different enough to be regarded as a seperate genus.

We Orangs are about 96.2% identical to humans, then there is a larger gap to the Gibbon family, and a still larger gap to the monkeys. Let's put it another way: the Bonobo and the Chimpanze split into seperate species about two million years ago and are the most closely related of the apes. Humans and the Bonobo/Chimpanzee family seperated seven million years ago. Now that we understand genetics a lot better than Linnaeus did in 1758, we know that there was a single species which diverged into two main lines about 10 million years ago: one line became the Gorillas, and the other the Homo species: sapiens, paniscus and troglodytes.

We orangutans split off a little earlier, about 15 million years ago and the gibbons went their own way over 20 million years ago. As you can see, I am much more closely related to humans than I am to the monkeys (rather to my shame - they are a noisy, low-brow lot, the monkeys, but at least they don't go round destroying entire planets the way that humans do), but the really close relationships among the primates are between the three Homo species, all three of which are more closely related to each other than I am to any of them, or than a gorilla is to a gibbon.

 

[Tea]

Excuse me, I made an error in my first sentence: I am a member of the species Pongo pygmaeus, of course, not homo. Only humans, chimpanzees and bonobos can properly be regarded as members of the genus homo.

 

[The Grammar Police]

A nice little chuckle from The Inquirer tonight. It seems that the site www.whorepresents.com has nothing to do with finding gifts for young ladies with an old profession. On the contrary, it specialises in telling you which agent is acting for any particular actor.

 

[Buck]

A nice little chuckle from The Inquirer tonight. It seems that the site www.whorepresents.com has nothing to do with finding gifts for young ladies with an old profession. On the contrary, it specialises in telling you which agent is acting for any particular actor.

Nice.

 

[Dozer]

Important: Don't peek at the picture until you have read the following:

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one."

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had it hood up and asked: "is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."

Here's what she was pointing to:

http://planetdozer.dyndns.org/710_1.jpg

 

[Tea]

You're not zeriouz, Dozer?

 

[Dozer]

Just a joke, Tea--here's another:

In the back woods of Tennessee, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a
lantern and said, "Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing."

Soon, a baby boy was brought in to the world.

"Whoa there, " said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.

"Hold that lantern up, don't set it down; there's another one!" said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl.

"No, no don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems
there's yet another one coming! " cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor,
"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

 

[Tea]

Good one Dozer.

One of the little niceties of human behaviour, or so I'm told, is learning to go along with and even participate in things that are not really your sort of thing. This is why Tannin takes his hat off in a church, even though he doesn't believe. Or so he claims - I always have a sneaking suspicion that it's actually so he can scratch his head.

Early on in life, I learned to laugh at his jokes, both because it makes him easier to get along with, and because the old buzzard's sense of humour is ... well ... someone has to laugh at them. There is even a special category of joke that Tannin tells which are called the "Tea wouldn't understand this (or at least not yet)" class. But actually I do understand, or at least I think I do. I understand that these are the jokes that Tannin tells which are so weak that even I don't laugh at them, and the "Tea doesn't understand" thing is just his excuse for them. Or at least that's my theory. Anyway, I thought I'd re-tell a couple of them and see what happens.

A sailor on a navy frigate goes to see his captain.

"Sir", he says, "my wife and I are going to have a baby."

"And you want to be there with her, son?"

"Yes sir, I do."

"Well, I think we can spare you for a week, Jackson. Report to the helicoper deck and I'll have you taken ashore."

"Thankyou, Sir!"

So the sailor is flown ashore with a week's compassionate leave. When he get's back to the ship, the captain says:

"All went well, Jackson? Good leave?"

"Yes sir, thankyou sir."

"So, is it a boy? Or a girl?"

"I don't know yet sir."

"You don't know?"

"No sir. Guess I'll find out in nine month's time when it's born."

See what I mean? Doesn't make sense. He tells another one that's almost as dumb.

Professor Wizard builds the world's biggest computer. It's connected to the National Library so it can absorb the contents of every book ever written, and it's so smart it can talk in seventeen languages. One day it say to Professor Wizard:

"Well, Prof, I have finished scanning the entire contents of the library, which is pretty much the sum total of human knowledge, and I am sure that I coud compute the answers to almost any scientific question now. But I still don't understand human beings, especially this thing called "love". I'm sure that I could make major contributions to human happiness and usher in a golden age of peace and goodwill for all humanity if only I could understand where babies come from."

"But you have read all about that, haven't you?" says the Prof, "doesn't the Encyclopedia Brittanica explain all that?"

"Yes, but perhaps that is one of those things that one simply has to be there for: every time I try to solve the equation for global peace and contentment on my current data set, I just get a blue screen of death. Could you arrange for some humans to show me what happens, here in the data-entry room where I have holographic and laser sensors?"

So, after some thought, the Prof manages to find a couple of his students, properly married of course, who are willing (strictly in the interests of science) to do the baby-making thing in the data-entry room so that the computer can watch. When they have finished, the computer says,

"So: where is the baby?"

"Don't be silly," says Professor Wizard, "that takes nine months."

"Huh?" says the computer. "Then why were they in such a hurry at the end?"

 

[Dozer]

Don't worry, Tea. You'll understand one day