Polls and Statistics

[Howell]

http://www.nytimes.com/2004/09/07/opinion/07kalcheim.html

40 percent of parents who dislike 30 percent of their children prefer George W. Bush.


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60 percent of households that fly flags think America can do no wrong 26 percent of the time.


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70 percent of women who think Mr. Bush is more likeable than their husbands prefer John Kerry.


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52 percent of people with wall-to-wall carpeting dislike Mr. Bush's plan for redecorating Iraq.


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98 percent of people who are hearing-impaired like 50 percent of what they hear from Mr. Bush.


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100 percent of Spanish-American War veterans are dead.


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98 percent of World War I veterans can't remember the name of either candidate. Both prefer Coolidge.


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43 percent of women think Mr. Bush has more presidential hair. 26 percent think John Edwards has more vice presidential hair. 47 percent think Mr. Edwards has more presidential hair and 26 percent think Mr. Kerry has more vice presidential hair. 92 percent think Dick Cheney has no hair. 73 percent think Mr. Bush's hair is irrelevant. 54 percent think Mr. Bush is irrelevant.


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76 percent of women think Teresa Heinz Kerry colors her hair. 53 percent of those women would prefer a different color. 42 percent would prefer a different first lady.

One-half of all Jewish mothers like one-half of Mr. Kerry.


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63 percent of single women over 50 think John Kerry is too tall for his own good. 71 percent of divorced women say George Bush would be an ideal ex-husband.


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Before the Republican convention, 86 percent of the population thought Zell Miller was a professional golfer. After the convention, 92 percent of the population would not like to be in his foursome.


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50 percent of the electorate think that polls are misleading, inaccurate and inconclusive. The other 50 percent agree 30 percent of the time with 40 percent of the results.


Lee Kalcheim is a writer for television and theater whose most recent play is "Defiled."

 

[sechs]

Lies, damn lies, and statistics....

 

[mubs]

For a second I thought Howell was talking about Poles and Statistics.

 

[Tea]

What'z presidential hair? Iz it sort of like pubic hair?

 

[ddrueding]

What'z presidential hair? Iz it sort of like pubic hair?

Is your middle name Monica?

 

[Tannin]

Not quite, little one. Presidential hair is sort of the opposite of pubic hair. You can easily tell if it's presidential hair because it's always in close proximity to an aresho .... er ... to a bottom.

 

[Tea]

Monica who?

I tried playing the 'monica once but it soundz funny when you blow through all the little holes at the same time, which happenz quite a lot when you have a big mouth like mine.

Also, I kept forgetting not to swallow. After I'd lost the third 'monica in a week Tannin suggested that I switch over to playing the bassoon. Or possibly the buffoon. He thought that bassoons would be harder to loose by inadvertently zwallowing.