Guide to crappy xmas carols

[Mercutio]

Having been subjected on occasion to Xmas songs since June (no, I'm not kidding. I was in a Kmart, June 14th when I heard Bing Crosby singing "White Christmas" over the elevator music system) of this year and recently subjected to a little over 50 minutes of pure psychologicial torment while waiting at the doctor's office, I am now prepared to enumerate what I hope will be the list of christmas songs I never ever hear again.

Note that there is some personal sacrifice on my part here. I actually had to figure out what some of them were called and who "sang" them.

1. Rockin' around by the Christmas Tree - Brenda Lee

Someone must've hated Rock, Christmas and Trees, 'cause this is a stain on all three. Anyone been to a "Hop" lately? What is a hop? Isn't that something they put in beer?

2. Wonderful Christmas Time - Paul McCartney.

Proof once again that the wrong Beatles are dead. I've heard his "classical" "compositions" (he dictates them, quoting musical phrases from famous classical works, since he can't orchestrate or even read music), and I'm convinced that this man lacks not only musical talent, but also grasp of spoken English and the good sense to die. On the other hand, the man has managed the dual Seussian feats of annoying the crap out of me and making a song with less than 10 words.

3. Christmas Wrapping - The Waitresses
This song alone is reason enough not to leave my house in the month of December. Apparently it was written in the early 80s. I'd never heard it until this year, but I have had the misfortune of hearing it by my count 11 times, each time more eardrum-piercingly bad than the last. Reagan-era monotonic punk rap. I can't believe something this awful exists. It's like finding out about live-animal cosmetic testing, only without the humane precautions. Given the choice between hearing that song for a 12th time and being sodomized with a can of Oven Cleaner, I think I'd be asking for some astroglide.

4. Winter Wonderland - Dolly Parton, the Carpenters et al.

By virtue of living in the midwestern part of the USA, I have heard Dolly Parton's voice more than I care to. A great many performers fall in this category and I don't have any special ill will for Dolly, but if you people love the baby Jesus so goddamn much will you PLEASE let this song go? I like saccharine in my tea, not in the PA music system.

5. Little Drummer Boy

Pa rum pa pa pum this song sucks more than Jenna Jameson after a fifth of Wild Turkey and 500mg of ruphenol.

6. Holly Jolly Chistmas - Burl Ives

I don't really know much about Burl Ives except that he was involved with those stop-motion Frosty the Snowman and Rudolph the Reindeer shows from the mid-60s (?), but Burl needs to stop with the Holly and the Jolly and the Old Saint Nick, or someone's gonna bleed.

7. The Chipmunk Christmas Song - Alvin and the Chipmunks

Last time I looked Alvin and the Chipmunks hadn't been on TV for at least 20 years. They sing about Hula Hoops, which were a fad in the 1950s. This song is pointless. Maybe it's a baby boomer thing. I don't know. I just hate it. If Alvin was a child star in the 50s he'd probably be doing 5 - 10 on a manslaughter rap today. Really, radio stations that play this might as well just go to dead air, for all the modern cultural relevance.

8. Most Wonderful Time of the Year - Andy Williams

I resent that statement in every way possible. Thankfully Mr. Williams isn't allowed out of Branson without a passport, but really, he's done enough damage already. This song alone probably increases the December suicide rate by 5%.

9. Feliz Navidad - Jose Feliciano

I'm planning a journey to the bottom of Jose's heart. If we can remove the cancerous "Merry Christmas Wishing" portion of it, maybe there truly will be peace in our time.

There are probably more numbingly awful things that my brain is mercifully blocking me from remembering. Feel free to contribute your own.

Just to prove that I'm not a total bastard about music for a religious holiday I don't celebrate, here are some that I think are pretty OK.

1. Greensleeves (y'all call it What Child is This?)
2. O Come Emmanuel - particularly when arranged for men's choir
3. Gabriel's Message - by Sting, surprisingly. Of course he mumbles and I can't understand what he's singing, but so much the better, IMO.
4. O Holy Night - Great song for a powerful voice. Very dramatic. Good choice for showing off if you can hit the high notes.
5. Portions of the Messiah - The Hallelujah Chorus is part of the Messiah, which makes it Christmas music, must no one plays it as christmas music. Surprising, 'cause it's a song everyone knows. There are also some fun recititives in there for demonstrating vocal ability, but you pretty much have to be a classical singer to get into those.
6. Tomorrow Shall be My Dancing Day (arr. Holst) - Holst arrangement only. All others are godawful and shouldn't be performed. I don't think this one is played much in the US anyway.
7. I Wonder as I Wander - I believe this is modern in origin, and it's maudlin. Huzzah.
8. My Favorite Things - Somehow, the jazzy John Coltrane arrangement of a Rodgers and Hammerstein song about a jewish family in Nazi Austria gets played at Christmas time in the same context as such soul-searing pustules as "All I want for Christmas is You". Who am I to complain? It's a good song and a genre-defining arrangement.
9. "So this is Christmas" - Maudlin with a side of ironic detachment. I don't care for the music or for the lyrics, but at least I appreciate the attitude. Why can't Paul follow John's example and take a bullet to the head?

 

[Howell]

This is a list of the songs played at my church's Christmas concert. Maybe you will find something new you like.

Christmas Festival - Leroy Anderson
Christmastime - Carlson, Smith/arr. Greer
Sleighride - arr. Krogstad/Bolks
Deck the Halls - arr. Marsh
Go Tell It On the Mountain - arr. Taylor/Wilson

Christmas Hymn - Grant, Smith/arr. Hamilton
O Thou That Tellest Good Tidings To Zion, from The Messiah - Handel
Breath of Heaven - Eaton, Grant/arr. Hart
Hear the Angels SingLloyd Larson
Alleluia - Randall Thompson
For Unto Us a Child is Born, from The Messiah - Handel
Coventry Carol - arr. Dale Warland
Bethlehem Procession - Pepper Choplin
Glory, Glory - Amerson/ arr. Clydesdale
Song of Simeon - Gretchaninoff/arr. Christiansen
Silent Night - Trad.
Away in a Manger - Trad.
O Little Town of Bethlehem - Trad.
Sound of the Round - Herring/arr. Gardner, Knight
Rejoice Greatly, O Daughter of Zion, from The Messiah - Handel
I Wonder as I Wander - Trad. Appalachian Carol
Were You There? - Trad. Spiritual
Arise, My Love - arr. Clydesdale
Hallelujah, from The Messiah - Handel
The Trumpet Shall Sound, from The Messiah - Handel
Love Divine, All Loves Excelling - "Hyfrydol" /arr. Mack Wilberg

Worthy is the Lamb, from The Messiah - Handel
All Praise Rising - Garrett/ arr. Kingsmore

 

[Howell]

In high school we used to play Covernty Carol on the handbells.
Sample

 

[flagreen]

If I never hear "Grandma got run over by a reindeer" again it will be too soon. Same goes for "I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus".

 

[Mercutio]

I guess the rest of you just aren't tired enough of christmas crap to complain.

 

[Computer Generated Baby]

Anyone been to a "Hop" lately? What is a hop? Isn't that something they put in beer?

I believe "a hop" is '50s amerikanische slang for "a dance event." I believe there were also "sock hops" and similar pernicious activities back then.

3. Christmas Wrapping - The Waitresses ...Apparently it was written in the early 80s.

The Waitresses were a group from -- yes, the early '80s -- that was sort of a flash-in-the-pan with their hit "I Know What Boys Want" or some lame-ass title like that. In any case, here's a 45 second long classic from about that same time, and one of my favourite Christmas songs as well, by the group Fear:

http://www.sincitysounds.com/listen/xmas/fear-fuckxmas.mp3

9. "So this is Christmas" - Maudlin with a side of ironic detachment. I don't care for the music or for the lyrics, but at least I appreciate the attitude. Why can't Paul follow John's example and take a bullet to the head?

Hate to break it to ya, but... that IS John (and Yoko, and...). Paul-the-walrus is not around on that one.

 

[flagreen]

Then who was the eggman?

I have always favored John's post beatles music much more than Paul's bubble gum crap. I wish George Harrison had done more as well post the Beatles as he was more talented as a song writer than a guitar player imho.

 

[jtr1962]

I seem to remember a similar thread about this time last year but I'm too lazy to do a search. For what it's worth, there are songs just as bad as those on your list which they play in stores all year round. On some level it bothers me that crap like this was even written, let alone played ad nauseum.

I remember Alvin and the Chipmunks from way back when (it was big in the 1960s IIRC). Just another stupid fad. I hate fads in general. The concept of people doing or buying something they don't really like just because everybody else does shows how dumb we as a species really are. If it helps any Mercutio, think of Christmas as a recurring yearly fad with at least a few redeeming aspects to it. It works for me.

 

[CougTek]

I"Grandma got run over by a reindeer"

Never heard it (or do not know it was it), but I like the title. A videoclip of it would be even funnier.

I despise Christmas music just as much as country and rap. Pain to my ears it is. And it's so quétaine.

 

[Mercutio]

Check your reading comprehension CGB, I made the correct attribution for the song. I'm just waiting for Sir Paul's own Mark David Chapman.

As far as year-round musical fear and loathing, the good news is that I generally don't spend enough time in one place to become familiar with pop music. I'm in a low-risk group for top 40.

Of course that leads to conversations starting with "You don't know who [insert pop music person here] is? Do you ever get out from under that rock?"
Which is a perfectly good reason to avoid conversation if you ask me. Sometimes I have to squelch the urge to ask my tormentor about 18th Century Flemish portraistists or philosophers of the Enlightenment. So far I've resisted.

Still, the question is, why is xmas music so awful? Even setting aside the whole religion thing, which I don't think very many people take seriously anyway, what is the deep anti-social urge that 1. Causes someone to record dogs barking Jingle Bells and/or 2. Causes someone else to play it repeated over public speaker system?
I'm not even going to get in to how unfriendly I think stores, financial institutions, government offices and restaurants are being in playing this crap in a place non-xtians might reasonably want to visit during the month of December, but really, can exposing someone who works in one of those places to "Most Wonderful Time of the Year" twice an hour REALLY be good for mental health? Assuming the brainwashing works, you get an army of happy Donny and Marie Osmonds. Scary thought? Imagine if the whole world turned into the blander parts of Utah. I had to stop this rant to look at some porn at the mere thought of it. If the evil plan doesn't take hold, you have a science project one step down from "The Boys from Brazil" and, in at least one place every year, the phrase "Going Yuletide" replaces "Going Postal" as the catchphrase of choice for random gun violence. At the very least you wind up with the Holiday Burnout Retail Clerk (now with Apathetic gestures [tm]) at the very instant you need a little help/patience with your non-Holiday-related purchases.

This whole season seems like it was made to piss me off. I need to stop thinking about this. Maybe take up a nice, relaxing hobby like crank-calling the FBI.

 

[blakerwry]

i like the song "I saw moma kissing santa clause" as well as most other johnny cougar songs.

 

[e_dawg]

How can you forget the bouncy "Jingle bell jingle bell jingle bell rock..." with its xmas-cool rhythm guitar licks... or the deliciously naughty (for the 50's) "Santa baby"? :mrgrn:

 

[Tannin]

I thought we had this thread last year?

 

[blakerwry]

we're re-running the "best of SF"

 

[P5-133XL]

Come on guys This isn't a list of crappy Xmas songs. These are songs I like! :lol:

 

[fool]

Even if it’s the most perfect song ever written, anything played in a shopping centre sucks.
Anything “sung” by any of the many bunches of tone deaf, arhythmic toerags with streaming noses who knock on my front door every bloody evening in the misguided hope that I'll give them money to shut up and who couldn’t even be bothered to learn the bloody words, sucks.
If I could avoid hearing stuff performed under those two conditions, I’d be so relieved I wouldn’t care how trite the actual songs are.

 

[CityK]

Jingle Bells like you've never heard it before. Simply awesome.

Info on Artist

CK

 

[CityK]

I just can't get over how much I like this. After tortureous years of the same old same old, its certainly nice to hear a new spin on things.

 

[Mercutio]

The ranting? Or your mp3?

(I don't have any sound hardware on this PC or I'd listen, too).

I certainly was feeling poisonous last night, wasn't I?

 

[CityK]

The mp3. I'm pretty sure you will enjoy it Merc.

 

[Mercutio]

It's interesting. I dunno about liking it quite, but as you said, it beats the tired version everyone is used to.

 

[CityK]

Oh well. I would have pegged you as someone who would like "world" music.

 

[Mercutio]

I can manage Ravi Shankar or Fela Kuti or LadySmith Black Mambazo but the jingle bell origin is a little too much for me.
Plus, cheesey drum machine at the beginning. Big time turn off.

 

[Mercutio]

I will say however that I have played it for others, to mixed review.

 

[ddrueding]

Have I grown so jaded and sheltered that "world music" sounds straight cheezy?

 

[CityK]

Yes the first 10-15 seconds or so do suck...I thought it was going to be a country and western song at first.

But when it gets going, and outside the jinggle bells chorus itself, I think its well done - the blend of Western and Indian. You definitely also have to give it some volume to get the full effect of the Tabla.

Last night I checked out a couple of other songs by the artist but wasn't inspired. I'll give some more a listen maybe later on.

While I'm thinking out it, and if you are at all interested in a blended type of music , give Peter Gabriel's album Passion (Music for The Last Temptation of Christ soundtrack) a listen....women like it too for, er, mood music.

CK

 

[CityK]

Damn fingers, do what your told.

While I'm thinking about it....

 

[CityK]

Have I grown so jaded and sheltered that "world music" sounds straight cheezy?

To which do you refer? The (a) label "world music" or (b) the actual music itself?

If the label, then yes its stupid. But hey, I didn't invent the term.

If its a distaste for the actual music itself, I suggest you do the following: stop watching Nascar, get out of your tri-county neighbourhood, and try listening to something other then the corporate sponsered lyrics of Britney Spears.

Somehow, however, I suspect that it was the former.

 

[Mercutio]

Gaaaaahhh! I heard "Christmas Wrapping" today, in the Supermarket. It's not even December yet! What's wrong with people!

 

[Will Rickards]

Some stations are all christmas music BEFORE thanksgiving.

The christmas song I like is the one about the boy buying shoes for his mother. Not sure what it is called.... google.... Christmas Shoes by Newsong.

 

[sechs]

The Macy's here had their Christmas decorations up before Halloween.

I feel that some people need to watch A Charlie Brown Christmas more often....

 

[Fushigi]

Christmas-related items started appearing in stores back in September. About two or three weeks ago one Chicagoland radio station went xmas tunes all the time; they do that every year.

People need to stop buying into it. It's become a retailer's wet dream and a credit card issuer's windfall. Consumers are left out in the cold with empty pockets and gifts they neither wanted nor needed. For once I'd like to see the weekend after Thanksgiving bring abysmal sales.

 

[Mercutio]

There WAS supposed to be a "shopping walk-out" protest on Nov. 26th but it got almost no media coverage - maybe because media companies depend so heavily on pushing DVD and book sales in their news organizations.
I'll bet this the first anyone here heard of it.

 

[sechs]

Where are the big Hannukah sales?

What radio station will go to an all Hannukah music format this year?

 

[Fushigi]

And I totally missed the Veteran's Day music fest. I'm so bummed...

 

[Mercutio]

I've never heard a Arbor Day Carol, either.

 

[sechs]

Maybe we should work on a national menorah and having the president pardon a sheep every year for passover.

 

[Mercutio]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/arts/fridayreview/story/0,12102,1369880,00.html