Hilarious Jokes and Not So Not So Funny

[its.fubar]

hello all.....
I am contemplating starting a joke therad,so if anyone has any complaints about the idea please speak up now all for ever hold your peace,You have two days in which you have to leave a complain if a significant number hasn't come in by that time I will start posting five jokes each day he ha......

 

[Jake the Dog]

how about 5 jokes, once a week? 5 a day is too 'spammy' :wink:

 

[P5-133XL]

I don't have a problem with jokes persay. However, I do want "good" ones. Wasting my time reading unfunny stuff passing off as a joke or lots of regurgitated jokes of yester year is not good. Thus, mass quanties of jokes are undesirable because it is quality that matters not quantity.

I vote yea for an occasional quality joke. I vote no for a joke of the day thread. Regardless - Keep them clean, please.

 

[blakerwry]

hey, i know a dirty joke....

 

[its.fubar]

it sounds good so far,
unfortunately some of you might have read some of these jokes before but I do feel shaw most of them you haven't and certainly the 400 plus jokes I have we'll have something for you all.

 

[its.fubar]

"Youthful Proverbs"

A first-grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader
It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings
You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?
Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty
If you lie down with dogs, you'll . . . stink in the morning
Happy the bride who . . . gets all the presents
Don't put off till tomorrow what . . . you put on to go to bed
Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded
You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the box
Better late than . . . pregnant

 

[its.fubar]

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die:

"Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner
prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't
discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse.

Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving
him plenty of back rubs.
Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V.
And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and
satisfy his every whim.
"If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health completely."
On the way home the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're gonna die." she replied.

 

[its.fubar]

young man walks up and sits down at the bar.

"What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offense bartender , but if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

 

[its.fubar]

"You Were an Accident"


"Strangers Have the Best Candy"


"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North Amer- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"


"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"


"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"


"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"


"Why can't Mr. Fork and Mrs. Electrical Socket be friends?"


"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"


"Dad's New Wife Timothy"


"Pop! Goes The Hamster....And Other Great Microwave Games"


"The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"


"The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"


"Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"


"The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead"


"How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School"


"Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear"

 

[its.fubar]

"You Shouldn't Be Impatient"

This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

 

[blakerwry]

"You Shouldn't Be Impatient"

This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."

i dont get it.

 

[its.fubar]

blakerwry:
Think about star trek returning "back" to base and everything they might do before they go about "docking" he he

 

[its.fubar]

"You might be a redneck if ..."

You might be a redneck if ...

Your mother in law gave birth to you

If you call your teacher a "yungun"

If your church preaches the word of Willie Nelson

If you harassed Paula Jones and had sex with Monica Lewenski

If you think redneck jokers otta be hanged

If HBO wasn't allowed to Document you because of FCC decency codes

If your wife can fart for over an hour nonstop

If every song you ever heard has the words "honkytonk" and "jukebox" in it

If you see intelligent people on Jerry Springer

If your cat is an Endangered species

If you thought The Lockhorns is your life story

If your sister is named "Billy-Sue"

If your wife has more hair on her legs than her head, but not as much as is on your back

 

[its.fubar]

"You Know You're from Missouri If"

1. You've never met any celebrities.
2. Everyone you know has been on a "Float trip"
3. "Vacation" means driving to Silver Dollar City, Worlds of Fun or Six Flags.
4. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years AFTER they were popular.
5. You measure distance in minutes rather than miles.
6. Down south to you means Arkansas.
7. The phrase "I'm going to the Lake this weekend" only means one thing.
8. You know several people who have hit a deer.
9. You think Missouri is spelled with an "ah" at the end.
10. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
11. You know what "party cove" is.
12. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
13. You instinctively ask someone you've just met, "What High School did you go to?"
14. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
15. You think ethanol makes your truck "run a lot better."
16. You know what's knee-high by the Fourth of July.
17. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals.
18. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it no matter what time of the year.
19. You know in your heart that Mizzou can beat Nebraska in football.
20. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
21. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, or grain.
22. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.
23. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and jell-o salad with marshmallows.
24. You carry jumper cables in your car and know that everyone else should.
25. You went to skating parties as a kid.
26. You only own 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
27. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
28. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie.
29. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
30. You think I-44 is spelled "farty-far." (St. Louis Only)
31. You'll pay for your kids to go to college unless they want to go to KU.
32. You think that deer season is a national holiday.
33. You know that Concordia is halfway between Kansas City and Columbia and Columbia is halfway between St. Louis and Kansas City. And, the Warrenton outlet mall is halfway between Columbia and St. Louis.
34. You can't think of anything better than sitting on the porch in the middle of the summer during a thunderstorm.
35. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
36. You've ever said, "it's not the heat, it's the humidity."
37. You know all 4 seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Construction.
38. You know if another Missourian is from the bootheel, ozarks, eastern, middle or western Missouri soon as they open their mouth.
39. You know that Harry S. Truman, Walt Disney and Mark Twain are all from Missouri.
40. You failed world geography in school because you thought Cuba,Japan,Versailles, California, Nevada, Houston, Cabool, Louisiana,Springfield, and Mexico were cities in Missouri. (And they are!)
41. You think a traffic Jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
42. You actually get these jokes and forward them to all your Missouri friends!!
43. You know what "HOME OF THE THROWED ROLL' means!!!

 

[its.fubar]

You Have Only One Year To Live, Here's What To Do

A fellow went to the doctor who told him that he had a bad
illness and only a year to live.

So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained his
situation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.

"What you should do is go out and buy a late '70 or early '80
model Dodge Pickup," said the Pastor. "Then go get married to the
ugliest woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old trailer
house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."

The fellow asked, "Will this help me live longer?"

"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do have
seem like forever."

 

[its.fubar]

"You Know You're a Redneck Jedi When . . ."

Your Jedi robe is camouflage color.

You use your lightsaber to open your bottle of Bud.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

You use your lightsaber to pick your teeth.

At least one section of your X-Wing is bondo colored.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

A peaceful meditation is one without gas.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

You have an X-wing up on blocks in your front yard.

You lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you stopped to spit.

You think the worst part about spending time on Dagobah is the "dadgum skeeters."

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You use the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

Your father said to you, "Shoot, Son, com'on over tuh the dark side, it'll be a hoot."

You use your R-2 unit's self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue to light.

The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.

You have a stuffed womp rat over your fireplace.

 

[its.fubar]

"X-rated Money Machine"

The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me! Now everyone's attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home.

 

[its.fubar]

"Why Dogs Are Better than Women"

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs understand that you are their master.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs have ten breasts.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs don't want to know about every other pet you've had.

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs get excited when you take out the leash and choker chains.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

A dog's parents never visit.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs like it when you leave the toilet seat up.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.


Why Women Are Better than Dogs

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Women look good in sweaters.

Women leave the room to fart.

Women know how to make popcorn.


How Women and Dogs Are the Same

Both look stupid in hats.

Both look good in a fur coat.

Both put too much value on kissing.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have hip problems.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.

Neither understands football.

Neither believes that silence is golden.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

 

[its.fubar]

"Why Sheep Are Better Than Women"

1. Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.

2. You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.

3. Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.

4. Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.

5. Nuttin' beats mutton.

6. Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.

7. Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and then tell you they have to be home early.

8. Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.

9. Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when you tell them.

 

[its.fubar]

Wife 1.0 Just Released


Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program.

Can you please help me !!!???

Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER


------------------------------------------------------------
Dear TROUBLED USER,

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by it's creator to run everything.

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and deal with the situation.

I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having installed Wife 1.0 myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of C:\YES DEAR because ultimately you may have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high-maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 3.1 and Diamonds 2K. Do not, under any circumstances install Secretary with Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck,
Tech Support

 

[its.fubar]

"Women make perfect sense if you learn their vocabulary".

FINE. This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES. This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING. This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows). This is a dare. One that! will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing," and will end with the word "Fine."

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows). This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine," and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH. This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH. A gain, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. "Soft Sigh" means that she is content. Your best bet is not to move or breathe, and she will
stay content.

THAT'S OKAY. This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." At some point in the near future, you are going to be in big trouble.

PLEASE DO. This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

THANKS. A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT. This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing."

 

[its.fubar]

"Wooden Leg"

Harry was sensitive about his wooden leg and afraid no woman would have him. He was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage. He couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancée about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.

The wedding night came and went, and the young couple was at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride.

Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.

"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that is a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"

 

[slo crostic]

However, I do want "good" ones. Wasting my time reading unfunny stuff passing off as a joke or lots of regurgitated jokes of yester year is not good. Thus, mass quanties of jokes are undesirable because it is quality that matters not quantity.

I second that. One or two fresh and funny jokes are fine, but no more spammy email jokes please.

 

[its.fubar]

However, I do want "good" ones. Wasting my time reading unfunny stuff passing off as a joke or lots of regurgitated jokes of yester year is not good. Thus, mass quanties of jokes are undesirable because it is quality that matters not quantity.

I second that. One or two fresh and funny jokes are fine, but no more spammy email jokes please.

I always thought that spam ment SPice hAM But it seems you don't like my spicy Jokes and all you think I'm doing is hamming it ?

 

[Howell]

I am staying away from this thread so if anything objectionable is posted please let a moderator know. Otherwise, enjoy your fun.

 

[its.fubar]

I am staying away from this thread so if anything objectionable is posted please let a moderator know. Otherwise, enjoy your fun.

What is fun can you please define the word For a Quaker ?

 

[its.fubar]

Why Ask Why? To quote Coors "Because we can can can"

This is just for fun, but to me seems like some good questions...


Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

How do you define time exactly? What is time?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If 75% of all accidents happen within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"?
Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?

How can there be "self help GROUPS"?

Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?

Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after?

Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?

If everything that begins to make sense and is organized is actually heading for chaos, what is unorganized and senseless chaos headings towards?

 

[its.fubar]

WHY (SOME!) AMERICANS SHOULD NOT BE LET OUT OF THE COUNTRY

Actual comments from US travel agents ............



(1) I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get
messed up by being near the window.

(2) A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going
over all the cost infor, she asked : " Would it be cheaper to fly to
California and then take the train to Hawaii? "

(3) I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to
explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she
interrupted me with : " I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but
Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the
stupid one, I calmly explained:" Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown
is in Africa." Her response ........ click ( off the telephone immediately ).

(4) A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what
was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view
room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the
middle of the state. He replied, " Don't lie to me. I looked on the map
and Florida is a very thin state. "

(5) I got a call from a man who asked, " Is it possible to see England
from Canada ? " I said, " No. " He said, " But they look so close on the map."

(6) Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I
pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a one-hour lay-over in
Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said : " I heard
Dallas is a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time. "

(7) A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that
her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am.
I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she
could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the
plane went very fast, and she bought that !

8: A woman called and asked : " Do airlines put your physical
description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who ? "
I said, " No, why do you ask ? " She replied, " Well, when I checked in
with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm
overweight. Is there any connection ? " After putting her on hold for a
minute, while I looked into it, I came back and explained that the city
code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a
destination tag on her luggage.

(9) I just got off the phone with a man who asked, " How do I know which
plane to get on ? " asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "
I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have
numbers on them. "

(10) A woman called and said, " I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of
those computer planes. " I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a
commuter plane. She said, " Yeah, whatever. "

(11) A business man called and had a question about the documents he
needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. " Oh no I don't, I've been to China
many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure
enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said : " Look,
I've been to China four times, and every time they have accepted my
American Express. "

(12) A woman called to make reservations, " I want to go from Chicago to
Hippopotamus, New York. " The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the
agent said :" Are you sure that's the name of the town ? " " Yes, what
flights do you have ? " replied the customer. After some searching, the
agent came back with : " I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport
code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer
retorted, " Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map
! " The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered :
" You don't mean Buffalo, do you ? " " That's it ! I knew it was a big animal. "

 

[Mercutio]

Actually, the reason that teflon sticks to the pan, but nothing sticks to teflon is kind of interesting...

Teflon WON'T stick to anything, given its nature. But it WILL accumulate in places where there are broken surfaces (in trenches, if you will). So companies that make teflon products make their product, mar the surface to be made non-stick, coat with a bonding agent, and then apply their teflon. Most of it just falls off, and what's left is the coating on the pan.

See the "coolest magazine" thread to figure out why I knew this.

 

[Adcadet]

"You Know You're from Missouri If"

44. You think Cairo is pronounced "Kay-roll" and is in Missouri (it is)

hehe. My dad is from Missourah.

 

[its.fubar]

WORDS WOMEN USE

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they
are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe
how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those
arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that
your football game is going to last before you take out the trash,
so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing"
is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to
turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually
signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with
'Fine.'

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)> > This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine" .

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)> > This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care"
You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes,
followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH> > This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an
idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean
that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and
she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make
to a man.
"That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's
Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a
"Raised Eyebrow".

GO AHEAD> > At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some
mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO> > This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the
chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for
doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance
with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's
Okay".

THANKS> > A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT. This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It
signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and
will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is
wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".


Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments
they can
avoid if they remember the terminology.

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh!\

Lmao

Yaps
_________________
If I think, and therefore I am, am I just a thought?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?

 

[its.fubar]

"Who's that?"

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch! "

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubb on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him,

"What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

 

[Mercutio]

"You Know You're from Missouri If"

44. You think Cairo is pronounced "Kay-roll" and is in Missouri (it is)

hehe. My dad is from Missourah.

I'm pretty sure the city you're thinking of is on the Southwestern tip of the Illinois side of the line, AD. It was in the running as our national capital at one point.

I've never crossed the Mississippi but I've been to Cairo.

 

[blakerwry]

i wouldn't dount if there is one in Missourri... Do you know where Springfield is? How many states have one of those now?

 

[its.fubar]

More to come tomorrow he he

 

[slo crostic]

I give up. Thread abandoned.

 

[its.fubar]

I give up. Thread abandoned.

Don't worry I'll have something for Australia's some day soon he he

 

[its.fubar]

"Which Party do you like?"

A lot of voters are getting a little bored with the 2-party system. Even the Reform Party and the Libertarian Party aren't making much of a showing this year. So the editors at Shagmail have created a list of the Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see in the 2000 Presidential election.

10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.

9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.

9. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?

7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?

6. The Private Party... No comment.

5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?

4. The Search Party... Looking for members.

3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.

2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.

And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:

1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.

 

[its.fubar]

"Where the Hell Am I?"

A drunken man staggered in to a Catholic church and sat down in a confession box, saying nothing.

The bewildered priest coughed to attract his attention, but still the man said nothing.

The priest then knocked on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally, the drunk replied, "No use knockin', mate, there's no paper in this one either."

 

[its.fubar]

"When do I start my job?"

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." Boudreaux says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What in the world is that?" Boudreaux says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine." "Fair enough" says the boss. "Second questions, same rules, but represent 99". Boudreaux stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go sir," he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Boudreaux answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99." The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire Boudreaux so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100." Boudreaux stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir - 100." The boss looks at Boudreaux's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Boudreaux, "Go on, Boudreaux, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100." Boudreaux leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps by each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start my job?"