Hilarious Jokes and Not So Not So Funny

[its.fubar]

When Apollo Misson Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky". Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Just last year, (On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay FL) while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of the bedroom windows of his neighbours, Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

 

[Mercutio]

Funny story. Total urban legend. Check snopes.com if you don't believe me.

I shook Neil Armstrong's hand once. He was unbelievably gracious for someone unique in the history of mankind .

 

[its.fubar]

Funny story. Total urban legend. Check snopes.com if you don't believe me.

I shook Neil Armstrong's hand once. He was unbelievably gracious for someone unique in the history of mankind .

I have no doubt that he is a great man and with his own sense of humor,truly a person "Made Of The Right Stuff"

and thank you for the tip I will check it out.

 

[Fushigi]

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
...
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Even more scary is that there are plenty of gas stations that sell beer.

Its no wonder kids are so messed up with the mixed messages we send them.

 

[its.fubar]

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
...
If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

Even more scary is that there are plenty of gas stations that sell beer.

Its no wonder kids are so messed up with the mixed messages we send them.

thank you for reading my posts and the strange thing is a joke thread Sometimes dose have a great deal of truth in it as you have found and is not just fun and game`s as many would think.

 

[its.fubar]

"What's that noise"

This (Blonde) fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of- the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself.

So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself.

The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise?

 

[its.fubar]

"Whats My Name?"


The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .

 

[its.fubar]

"What’s-Her-Name"

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, called his wife by many endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice. After all these years, you still call your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell the truth, I forgot her name years ago."

 

[its.fubar]

What Tree Did You Fall From???



What tree did you fall from? Find your birthday, find your tree and then scroll down... This is really cool and somewhat accurate, also in line with Celtic astrology.

Jan 01 to Jan 11 - Fir Tree

Jan 12 to Jan 24 - Elm Tree

Jan 25 to Feb 03 - Cypress Tree

Feb 04 to Feb 08 - Poplar Tree

Feb 09 to Feb 18 - Cedar Tree

Feb 19 to Feb 28 - Pine Tree

Mar 01 to Mar 10 - Weeping Willow Tree

Mar 11 to Mar 20 - Lime Tree

Mar 21 - Oak Tree

Mar 22 to Mar 31 - Hazelnut Tree

Apr 01 to Apr 10 - Rowan Tree

Apr 11 to Apr 20 - Maple Tree

Apr 21 to Apr 30 - Walnut Tree

May 01 to May 14 - Poplar Tree

May 15 to May 24 - Chestnut Tree

May 25 to Jun 03 - Ash Tree

Jun 04 to Jun 13 - Hornbeam Tree

Jun 14 to Jun 23 - Fig Tree

Jun 24 - Birch Tree

Jun 25 to Jul 04 - Apple Tree

Jul 05 to Jul 14 - Fir Tree

Jul 15 to Jul 25 - Elm Tree

Jul 26 to Aug 04 - Cypress Tree

Aug 05 to Aug 13 - Poplar Tree

Aug 14 to Aug 23 - Cedar Tree

Aug 24 to Sep 02 - Pine Tree

Sep 03 to Sep 12 - Weeping Willow Tree

Sep 13 to Sep 22 - Lime Tree

Sep 23 - Olive Tree

Sep 24 to Oct 03 - Hazelnut Tree

Oct 04 to Oct 13 - Rowan Tree

Oct 14 to Oct 23 - Maple Tree

Oct 24 to Nov 11 - Walnut Tree

Nov 12 to Nov 21 - Chestnut Tree

Nov 22 to Dec 01 - Ash Tree

Dec 02 to Dec 11 - Hornbeam Tree

Dec 12 to Dec 21 - Fig Tree

Dec 22 - Beech Tree

Dec 23 to Dec 31 - Apple Tree

APPLE TREE (Love) - of slight build, lots of charm, appeal, and attraction, pleasant aura, flirtatious, adventurous, sensitive, always in love, wants to love and be loved, faithful and tender partner, very generous, scientific talents, lives for today, a carefree philosopher with imagination.

ASH TREE (Ambition) - uncommonly attractive, vivacious, impulsive, demanding, does not care for criticism, ambitious, intelligent, talented, likes to play with fate, can be egotistic, very reliable and trustworthy, faithful and prudent lover, sometimes brains rule over the heart, but takes partnership very seriously.

BEECH TREE (Creative) - has good taste, concerned about its looks, materialistic, good organization of life and career, economical, good leader, takes no unnecessary risks, reasonable, splendid lifetime companion, keen on keeping fit (diets, sports, etc.)

BIRCH TREE (Inspiration) - vivacious, attractive, elegant, friendly,pretentious, modest, does not like anything in excess, abhors the vulgar, loves life in nature and in calm, not very passionate, full of imagination, little ambition, creates a calm and content atmosphere.

CEDAR TREE (Confidence) - of rare beauty, knows how to adapt, likes luxury, of good health, not in the least shy, tends to look down on others,self-confident, determined, impatient, likes to impress others, many talents, industrious, healthy optimism, waiting for the one true love, able to make quick decisions.

CHESTNUT TREE (Honesty) - of unusual beauty, does not want to impress, well-developed sense of justice, vivacious, interested, a born diplomat, but irritates easily and sensitive in company, often due to a lack of self confidence, acts sometimes superior, feels not understood, loves only once, has difficulties in finding a partner.

CYPRESS TREE (Faithfulness) - strong, muscular, adaptable, takes what life has to give, content, optimistic, craves money and acknowledgment, hates loneliness, passionate lover which cannot be satisfied, faithful, quick-tempered, unruly, pedantic, and careless.

ELM TREE (Noble-Minded) - pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, loudest demands, tends not to forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, likes making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humor, practical.

FIG TREE (Sensibility) - very strong, a bit self-willed,independent, does not allow contradiction or arguments, loves life, its family, children and animals, a bit of a social butterfly, good sense of humor, likes idleness and laziness, of practical talent and intelligence.

FIR TREE (Mysterious) - extraordinary taste, dignity, sophisticated, loves anything beautiful, moody, stubborn, tends to egoism but cares for those close to them, rather modest, very ambitious, talented, industrious, uncontested lover, many friends, many foes, very reliable.

HAZELNUT TREE (Extraordinary) - charming, undemanding, very understanding, knows how to make an impression, active fighter for social cause, popular, moody, and capricious lover, honest, and tolerant partner, precise sense of judgment.

HORNBEAM TREE (Good Taste) - of cool beauty, cares for its looks and condition, good taste, is not egoistic, makes life as comfortable as possible, leads a reasonable and disciplined life, looks for kindness and acknowledgment in an emotional partner, dreams of unusual lovers, is seldom happy with its feelings, mistrusts most people, is never sure of its decisions, very conscientious.

LIME TREE (Doubt) - accepts what life dishes out in a composed way, hates fighting, stress, and labor, dislikes laziness and idleness, soft and relenting, makes sacrifices for friends, many talents but not tenacious enough to make them blossom, often wailing and complaining, very jealous but loyal.

MAPLE TREE (Independent) - no ordinary person, full of imagination and originality, shy and reserved, ambitious, proud, self-confident, hungers for new experiences, sometimes nervous, has many complexities, good memory, learns easily, complicated love life, wants to impress.

OAK TREE (Brave) - robust nature, courageous, strong, unrelenting, independent, sensible, does not like change, keeps its feet on the ground, person of action.

OLIVE TREE (Wisdom) - loves sun, warmth and kind feelings, reasonable, balanced, avoids aggression and violence, tolerant, cheerful, calm, well-developed sense of justice, sensitive, empathetic, free of jealousy, loves to read and the company of sophisticated people.

PINE TREE (Particular) - loves agreeable company, very robust, knows how to make life comfortable, very active, natural, good companion, but seldom friendly, falls easily in love but its passion burns out quickly, gives up easily, everything disappointments until it finds its ideal, trustworthy, practical.

POPLAR TREE (Uncertainty) - looks very decorative, not very self-confident, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to lean toward philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership seriously.

ROWAN TREE (Sensitivity) - full of charm, cheerful, gifted without egoism, likes to draw attention, loves life, motion, unrest, and even complications, is both dependent and independent, good taste, artistic, passionate, emotional, good company, does not forgive.

WALNUT TREE (Passion) - unrelenting, strange and full of contrasts, often egotistic, aggressive, noble, broad horizon, unexpected reactions, spontaneous, unlimited ambition, no flexibility, difficult and uncommon partner, not always liked but often admired, ingenious strategist, very jealous and passionate, no compromise.

WEEPING WILLOW (Melancholy) - beautiful but full of melancholy, attractive, very empathetic, loves anything beautiful and tasteful, loves to travel, dreamer, restless, capricious, honest, can be influenced but is not easy to live with, demanding, good intuition, suffers in love but finds sometimes an anchoring partner

 

[Handruin]

Database size: 54.02 MB

 

[its.fubar]

Database size: 54.02 MB

What do you mean with your post ?

 

[timwhit]

Database size: 54.02 MB

What do you mean with your post ?

Probably that this thread is quickly increasing the database size...

 

[its.fubar]

Database size: 54.02 MB

What do you mean with your post ?

Probably that this thread is quickly increasing the database size...

If you are suggesting these few posts are increasing this forums to overcapacity then I suggest you consider this how many A4 pages of text can you store on 1 MB

your friend and servant .

 

[timwhit]

I never said anything of the sort. I was simply explaining what Doug's post meant. Or at least what I thought it meant. Maybe you should change your nick to its.troll?

 

[its.fubar]

I never said anything of the sort. I was simply explaining what Doug's post meant. Or at least what I thought it meant. Maybe you should change your nick to its.troll?

haven't you got something better todo than suggesting a person is a Troll
because he asked a question?

one would think that you are looking for a fight?

 

[timwhit]

Database size: 54.02 MB

What do you mean with your post ?

Probably that this thread is quickly increasing the database size...

If you are suggesting these few posts are increasing this forums to overcapacity then I suggest you consider this how many A4 pages of text can you store on 1 MB

your friend and servant .

Is this a question? Notice the question mark. This mark (?) makes the sentence a question.

one would think that you are looking for a fight?

Nope, I was simply wondering why it seems so many of your posts are trolls? I'm not the only one who has noticed this either.

 

[its.fubar]

Database size: 54.02 MB

What do you mean with your post ?

Probably that this thread is quickly increasing the database size...

If you are suggesting these few posts are increasing this forums to overcapacity then I suggest you consider this how many A4 pages of text can you store on 1 MB

your friend and servant .

Is this a question? Notice the question mark. This mark (?) makes the sentence a question.

one would think that you are looking for a fight?

Nope, I was simply wondering why it seems so many of your posts are trolls? I'm not the only one who has noticed this either.

It seems you are suggesting that nobody's interested in what I am posting but if you count the number of people reading my posts I believe that will give you another answer?

 

[timwhit]

Database size: 54.02 MB

What do you mean with your post ?

Probably that this thread is quickly increasing the database size...

If you are suggesting these few posts are increasing this forums to overcapacity then I suggest you consider this how many A4 pages of text can you store on 1 MB

your friend and servant .

Is this a question? Notice the question mark. This mark (?) makes the sentence a question.

one would think that you are looking for a fight?

Nope, I was simply wondering why it seems so many of your posts are trolls? I'm not the only one who has noticed this either.

It seems you are suggesting that nobody's interested in what I am posting but if you count the number of people reading my posts I believe that will give you another answer?

Maybe you are reading too far into my posts. I never said that. Please do not put words into my mouth. Neither of us knows how many people are reading your posts. Nor do I particularly care who reads your posts. Just because your jokes thread has a high number of views next to it doesn't mean everyone reads every last one of the jokes.

I read your posts, not the joke ones, but the serious ones. I do so to get some insight from another culture or if not that, then so I can properly understand what subsequent posts are talking about. But it simply seems that sometimes you are trolling, especially in the Iraq thread, which I read, but do not actively participate in.

 

[its.fubar]

Database size: 54.02 MB

What do you mean with your post ?

Probably that this thread is quickly increasing the database size...

If you are suggesting these few posts are increasing this forums to overcapacity then I suggest you consider this how many A4 pages of text can you store on 1 MB

your friend and servant .

Is this a question? Notice the question mark. This mark (?) makes the sentence a question.

one would think that you are looking for a fight?

Nope, I was simply wondering why it seems so many of your posts are trolls? I'm not the only one who has noticed this either.

It seems you are suggesting that nobody's interested in what I am posting but if you count the number of people reading my posts I believe that will give you another answer?

Maybe you are reading too far into my posts. I never said that. Please do not put words into my mouth. Neither of us knows how many people are reading your posts. Nor do I particularly care who reads your posts. Just because your jokes thread has a high number of views next to it doesn't mean everyone reads every last one of the jokes.

I read your posts, not the joke ones, but the serious ones. I do so to get some insight from another culture or if not that, then so I can properly understand what subsequent posts are talking about. But it simply seems that sometimes you are trolling, especially in the Iraq thread, which I read, but do not actively participate in.

I will tried to explain it to you:

if you rock the status Quo and everyday thinking with suggestions that are not exactly the norm,you run the risk of being labeled a Troll.

if you are out of the ordinary and suggesting a point of view that is controversial then you are a Troll or at least run the risk of being called one.

have no illusions I am not a troll I am a person that has strong convictions that president bush and his politics are extremely dangerous for the free world.

may be president bush is the one that should be labeled a Toll

 

[Handruin]

Please understand its.fubar that you are treading with username that has been regarded as a troll (or some other variation of the term) in the previous days of SR. Regardless if you are, or are not the same individual, the name holds a value of question. You have done nothing wrong and my database-size comment was not there to suggest otherwise.

The point I'm making is that you are posting tons of jokes with few responses and there is also a low level of interest to have you post 5 jokes a day. There may appear to be numerous “views” to your post, but part of which is me, for example making sure the jokes are not of a profound nature.

Now in regards to you saying "If you are suggesting these few posts are increasing this forums to overcapacity then I suggest you consider this how many A4 pages of text can you store on 1 MB "

This is true if you only believe that there is one field holding post text. However in a relation database such as the one used for this forum, there many more items to keep track of on a per-post basis. There are values to associate users with posts, and also search keywords on a per-post basis.

My post was a bit off-key I'll admit. It does take a numerous amount of posts to increase the database. But given we have over 28,000 posts and the database is already 54 MB indicates that a forum database does use a considerable amount of space.

 

[its.fubar]

What I Want In A Man!



What I Want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

 

[its.fubar]

"What do you suggest?"

A New York divorce lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asked him, "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The lawyer said, "Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

 

[blakerwry]

What I Want In A Man!



What I Want in a Man, Original List

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things 9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

I like that one

 

[its.fubar]

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

 

[its.fubar]

If only I had a watch like this.



A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes
a seat next to a very attractive blonde woman. He
gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his
watch for a moment.

The women notices this and asks,"Is your date running late?"

"Shertingly not", he replies,"Q'sh jusht given me thish
shtate-of-the-art watch and I was jusht teshting it."

The intrigued woman says,"A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so special about it?"

Bond explains,"It ushesh alpha wavesh to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

Bond says "Well, it shays you're not wearing any knickersh...."

The woman giggles and replies,"Well it must be broken
because I am wearing knickers!"

Bond tuts, and frantically taps his watch and says,
"Damn thing'sh an hour fasht.

 

[its.fubar]

"Watch Your Back"

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "Yeah baby! Shake those things."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "Oh baby! You're almost there!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"?

The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

 

[its.fubar]

We convince ourselves that life will be better after we get married, have a baby, then another, get a new job, get a new house. Then we are frustrated that the kids aren't old enough and we'll be more content when they are.

The truth is, there's no better time to be happy than right now! If not now, when? Your life will always be filled with challenges. It's best to admit this to yourself and decide to be happy anyway. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment that you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with... And remember that time waits for no one!

So, stop waiting...
...until your car or home is paid off
...until you get a new car or a new job
...until you go back to school
...until you lose ten pounds
...until you gain ten pounds
...until you finish school
...until you get married
...until you get a divorce
...until you have kids
...until your kids leave the house
...until you retire
...until summer
...until fall
...until winter
...until spring
...until you die!

There is no better time than right now to be happy...

Choose To Be Happy TODAY!

 

[its.fubar]

"Washington Hunting Laws"

1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.

2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.

3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.

5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash," "ambulance," or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.

6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.

7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.

8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.

9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.

10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.

11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

 

[its.fubar]

"WASHED UP"

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

"Well, what do you think" his wife asked smiling.

"Next time," he replied. "I'm writing to General Motors!"

 

[its.fubar]

"Wall-It"

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out,

"Watch the wall!"

 

[its.fubar]

"Use Fascinate in a Sentence"

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' "

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.' "

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."

The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use 'fascinate' in your sentence."

Little Johnny continued, "But her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

 

[its.fubar]

Two Irishmen, Murphy and O'Brian had grown up in the same small town together and married a pair of sisters. But now, Murphy had been diagnosed with cancer and he was lying on his deathbed surrounded by his friends.

Murphy calls, "O'Brian, come 'ere O'Brian. I 'ave a request for ye."

O'Brian walks to his friends bedside and kneels down.

"O'Brian, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm dying 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."

O'Brian bursts into tears, "Anything Murphy, anything ye wish. It's done."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and true Irish spirit of his friend's request.

"Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

 

[its.fubar]

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 & 10 who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and thier parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.The boys mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children The clergyman agreed, but alsed to see them individually.So the mohter sent her 8-year-old in first.The clergy man, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So, the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"Again, the boy, with wide eyes, made no attempt to answer. So the clergy mand raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed,'WHERE IS GOD?!'the boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet slamming the door behind hiem.When his older brother found him in the closet, he asded, "What happened?"The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,We are in BIG trouble this time, dude.God is missing---and they think WE did it.

 

[its.fubar]

Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

The first guy says, "My favorite position is the 'rodeo' position."

"What is the 'rodeo' position, and how do you do that?" asks the second man.

The first guy explains, "Well, first you tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours, and then you do it doggy- style. Once things start to get underway, and she's really into it, you lean forward and whisper in her ear, 'Your sister likes this position too...' Then, try to hang on for 8 seconds."

 

[its.fubar]

"Two Blonde Men"

Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."

The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."

The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass." The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"

The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea-- I'll use that!"

He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.

His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"

The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

 

[its.fubar]

"Turn To Stone"

Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!" The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!

 

[its.fubar]

"Trouble remembering things..."

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

 

[Mercutio]

As a moderator, I think you're pushing it a little, Mr. Fubar. No one joke in particular, I just think you should tone things down a bit.

 

[its.fubar]

A virile, young Italian soldier was relaxing at his favorite bar in
Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things
progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment;
and after some small talk, they made love. After a pleasant
interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" She paused for
a second, frowned, and replied "No."
Surprised, the young man reached for her; and the love making
resumed.
This time, she thrashes about wildly; and there are screams of
passion.
The love making ends; and again, the young man smiles, and asks,
"You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile,
cuddles closer to him, and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the
man reaches for the woman. Using the last of his strength, he barely
manages it; but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking,
clawing and ripping bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back,
gasping.
Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles
proudly, and asks, "You finish?"
"No!" she shouts back, "I Sveedish!"

 

[its.fubar]

"You Shouldn't Be Impatient"

This guy loved living in Staten Island, but he wasn't crazy about the ferry. If you missed a ferry late at night, you had to spend the next hour or so wandering the deserted streets of lower Manhattan.

So, when he spotted a ferry no more than fifteen feet from the dock, he decided he wouldn't subject himself to an hour's wait. He made a running leap and landed on his hands and knees, a little bruised maybe, but safe on deck.

He got up, brushed himself off, and announced proudly to a bystander, "Well, I made that one, didn't I?"

"Sure did," the bystander said. "But you should have waited a minute or two. The ferry is just about to dock."