The JoJo
Wannabe Storage Freak
Merc, do you really want it deleted? I don't think that it is bad either.
How do people meet people?
- Thread starter Mercutio
- Start date
mercutio said:
Please do that.
When you start to spiral down again like you did last night it's important for you either reach out to someone like you did on the phone last night or to chat with someone here in the forum.
Above all you need to stop listening to your illness and start listening to the people who care about you.
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
So I went to see a doctor. Who told me I need to see a psychiatrist, and, becuase I honestly can't say that I'm a danger to myself (this is a binary condition: I either am, or I'm not, there's no "I'm not sure". This is the problem I had last night on the phone, too), really couldn't be bothered with any of it. I got charged $85 for an office visit (my insurance doesn't cover mental health anything) for a 7 minute conversation. Not even, say, a sample of Xanax or something.
English does not provide an appropriate vocabulary for talking about these things. It's frustrating beyond belief. There's an unspoken threat underlying every conversation I have with anyone in authority that the correct response to my problem involves involuntary commission... they ALL bring this up, when I try to talk about my condition.
In a lot of ways, these things that are crushing me seem perfectly rational, even if I know that no one else would think so. That's really the definition of insanity, isn't it?
No one else brings up things in their personal lives here the way I do. Posting about this stuff is probably annoying as all hell to some of the folks here. I apologize for that. It's not easy to talk about, but as I said several weeks ago, it isn't like I have anyone else to say these things to.
To those who offered help... I don't know what to do with it right now, but thank you.
English does not provide an appropriate vocabulary for talking about these things. It's frustrating beyond belief. There's an unspoken threat underlying every conversation I have with anyone in authority that the correct response to my problem involves involuntary commission... they ALL bring this up, when I try to talk about my condition.
In a lot of ways, these things that are crushing me seem perfectly rational, even if I know that no one else would think so. That's really the definition of insanity, isn't it?
No one else brings up things in their personal lives here the way I do. Posting about this stuff is probably annoying as all hell to some of the folks here. I apologize for that. It's not easy to talk about, but as I said several weeks ago, it isn't like I have anyone else to say these things to.
To those who offered help... I don't know what to do with it right now, but thank you.
1) You're not annoying or bothering anyone here as far as I can tell. If anyone here is being annoyed - screw 'em!
2) I don't want to scare you
but I understood what you wrote last night. I know very well the tempting sense of relief and peace death seems to offer at times in my life as well. I don't think anyone who has not been mentally ill can truly understand the intense and unrelenting pain involved. I have the scars on my body from burning myself to prove it (there now, I've out embarrassed even you!).
3) I'm glad that you went to the Doctor. You paid $85.00 for his advice and it's only wasted if you don't take it. So please take his advice and go to see a psychiatrist.
2) I don't want to scare you
but I understood what you wrote last night. I know very well the tempting sense of relief and peace death seems to offer at times in my life as well. I don't think anyone who has not been mentally ill can truly understand the intense and unrelenting pain involved. I have the scars on my body from burning myself to prove it (there now, I've out embarrassed even you!). 3) I'm glad that you went to the Doctor. You paid $85.00 for his advice and it's only wasted if you don't take it. So please take his advice and go to see a psychiatrist.
Tea
Storage? I am Storage!
Come see me.
I'm better than any bloody psychiatrist that ever lived.
And I don't charge $85.
I'm better than any bloody psychiatrist that ever lived.
And I don't charge $85.
mubs
Storage? I am Storage!
Merc,
I don't think anybody here is annoyed. Speaking for myself, there's a tremenduous amount of frustration that I am unable to reach you and help you, truly help. This same frustration comes through in what many people have said in this and other posts. If my situation allowed it, I would fly out there to meet you in person and spend some time with you.
You repeatedly bring up this business of involuntary commission; if Indiana is so badly messed up, why the heck don't you move to Illinois or another state that is not so "rednecky", that is more friendly to people like you that are trying to battle issues in their lives? Your life is more important than what some nutball legislator thinks. They're all actually more screwed up than anyone of us anyway, judging by the laws they pass.
I'm serious, Merc. You need a change of location. Bad.
I don't think anybody here is annoyed. Speaking for myself, there's a tremenduous amount of frustration that I am unable to reach you and help you, truly help. This same frustration comes through in what many people have said in this and other posts. If my situation allowed it, I would fly out there to meet you in person and spend some time with you.
You repeatedly bring up this business of involuntary commission; if Indiana is so badly messed up, why the heck don't you move to Illinois or another state that is not so "rednecky", that is more friendly to people like you that are trying to battle issues in their lives? Your life is more important than what some nutball legislator thinks. They're all actually more screwed up than anyone of us anyway, judging by the laws they pass.
I'm serious, Merc. You need a change of location. Bad.
CougTek
Hairy Aussie
A bit late to think about it since he just moved to his newly-bought house. Idealistically, yes, he should probably travel in order to exit his shell. Accepting Tea's invitation would be great (Tony, you're a great guy). Realistically, however, people on a forum won't make him move. Afterall, all we are to each others are basicly "virtual characters". Sure, a few of you met, but I don't think anyone here is buddy-buddy with anyone else, well at least not because of our online introduction.
Merc is the guy many of us would probably like to meet the most. It would be great if some members near could pay him a visit. All of us would like to see him in a better mood (and healthier, that weight will kill you, no kidding), but as much as we might want to help him, the fact is that we can't live his life for him.
Merc, I'm happy to see that your state seems to improve (you are at least trying to fix what's wrong with your emotions), but you're the only one who can take the big steps in your life. Even though I wish I could go to Indiana to kick your butt and try to make you see life in a different angle than you do now, I can't because it would cost me at least 300$ that I don't currently have in gas just to drive from here to there and back. And anyway, you wouldn't understand a damn thing of what I would be saying since you don't speak French, so forget it.
Don't believe that I'm against your posts about your personal problems. You should be a groan man and know what to do in order to help yourself. If venting helps, then it's fine. Every bit helps, the important is not to keep it inside, or so is the common belief. But the things you have to change in your life aren't found online. You certainly know it, but you'll also need to find the guts to act, as oppose to just think about it. Take the time needed, but don't wait too long or you'll never change anything.
Merc is the guy many of us would probably like to meet the most. It would be great if some members near could pay him a visit. All of us would like to see him in a better mood (and healthier, that weight will kill you, no kidding), but as much as we might want to help him, the fact is that we can't live his life for him.
Merc, I'm happy to see that your state seems to improve (you are at least trying to fix what's wrong with your emotions), but you're the only one who can take the big steps in your life. Even though I wish I could go to Indiana to kick your butt and try to make you see life in a different angle than you do now, I can't because it would cost me at least 300$ that I don't currently have in gas just to drive from here to there and back. And anyway, you wouldn't understand a damn thing of what I would be saying since you don't speak French, so forget it.
Don't believe that I'm against your posts about your personal problems. You should be a groan man and know what to do in order to help yourself. If venting helps, then it's fine. Every bit helps, the important is not to keep it inside, or so is the common belief. But the things you have to change in your life aren't found online. You certainly know it, but you'll also need to find the guts to act, as oppose to just think about it. Take the time needed, but don't wait too long or you'll never change anything.
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
If it makes you feel better, Coug, I can read German but I can't speak or write it. What you and The JoJo do to be here absolutely stuns me.
Mental health care is something that is absolutely deplorable. At least, it seems to be. It's incredibly expensive, time consuming and in my experience, not very effective. I've managed to stay one step up from really being disabled by the combination of depression and anxiety disorders that I seem to have, and because I haven't fallen quite far enough my options for actual treatment are not very useful. I've said it a couple of times now: Until I am willing to say or act on a desire to hurt someone, I'm basically invisible. I can go to talking therapy. I can take pills. I can undergo behavioral modification training (i.e. "Do the thing that you don't like until you aren't sick any more") or wacky stuff like hypnosis or EMRD or acupuncture. The minute I'm willing to act or to make that statement... wham. Padded room time (actually, I don't know if the rooms are padded or not), and then only until I'm deemed to not be a threat. At that point, I have to pay for the time that I was confined and "treated". I really can't say for sure how I feel from moment to moment because I know on some level that if I say the wrong thing I'll be guest-starring in "One Flew 2: Chief's Revenge".
Long story short: I saw a psychiatrist last year. We tried some different medications. Settled on zoloft, which doesn't have too many side effects in my case but in my opinion didn't really DO anything, either. If I go back to him and tell him nothing has changed, all he's going to do is screw around with a bunch of new medications that do who knows what to my brain chemistry and have who knows what side effects. Oh. And see me twice a week for whatever pet therapies he's into this week.
I add it all up and to me it doesn't look like I gain anything by seeking additional treatment.
Like everything else, I don't see a way out of this.
As far as meeting others here... I met Fushigi once, I've spoken to Doug on the telephone, and Howell offered to drop by once. The truth is that I don't know whether I would do very well in real-life company, which is why I turned down meeting Howell. Part of me wishes I could meet everyone, but the much larger chunk says that it probably wouldn't go very well.
The people here are more real to me than the people I see every day while I'm working.
Very, very, very frustrating. All of it. None of these things are rational, but that does not matter, and I really don't feel like I have contorl of any of this, grown man or not. I keep thinking that if I could explain things adequately to someone, I'd be able to straighten things out a little. For the rest, there ARE a lot of barriers. They're irrational as all hell, but they are barriers I just don't know how to get around.
Mental health care is something that is absolutely deplorable. At least, it seems to be. It's incredibly expensive, time consuming and in my experience, not very effective. I've managed to stay one step up from really being disabled by the combination of depression and anxiety disorders that I seem to have, and because I haven't fallen quite far enough my options for actual treatment are not very useful. I've said it a couple of times now: Until I am willing to say or act on a desire to hurt someone, I'm basically invisible. I can go to talking therapy. I can take pills. I can undergo behavioral modification training (i.e. "Do the thing that you don't like until you aren't sick any more") or wacky stuff like hypnosis or EMRD or acupuncture. The minute I'm willing to act or to make that statement... wham. Padded room time (actually, I don't know if the rooms are padded or not), and then only until I'm deemed to not be a threat. At that point, I have to pay for the time that I was confined and "treated". I really can't say for sure how I feel from moment to moment because I know on some level that if I say the wrong thing I'll be guest-starring in "One Flew 2: Chief's Revenge".
Long story short: I saw a psychiatrist last year. We tried some different medications. Settled on zoloft, which doesn't have too many side effects in my case but in my opinion didn't really DO anything, either. If I go back to him and tell him nothing has changed, all he's going to do is screw around with a bunch of new medications that do who knows what to my brain chemistry and have who knows what side effects. Oh. And see me twice a week for whatever pet therapies he's into this week.
I add it all up and to me it doesn't look like I gain anything by seeking additional treatment.
Like everything else, I don't see a way out of this.
As far as meeting others here... I met Fushigi once, I've spoken to Doug on the telephone, and Howell offered to drop by once. The truth is that I don't know whether I would do very well in real-life company, which is why I turned down meeting Howell. Part of me wishes I could meet everyone, but the much larger chunk says that it probably wouldn't go very well.
The people here are more real to me than the people I see every day while I'm working.
Very, very, very frustrating. All of it. None of these things are rational, but that does not matter, and I really don't feel like I have contorl of any of this, grown man or not. I keep thinking that if I could explain things adequately to someone, I'd be able to straighten things out a little. For the rest, there ARE a lot of barriers. They're irrational as all hell, but they are barriers I just don't know how to get around.
It's not a question of rational or irrational. It is a question of healthy thinking vs. disturbed thinking. Depression can bring down the strongest of men because it has nothing to do with strength or will power. Massive depression is not something that you can think or figure your way out of. And that is why you need the help of a mental health professional. You cannot cure yourself.
In my opinion you have two choices. You can either get help now, or you can wait until you hurt bad enough that you will be willing to get help. So why not do it the easy way and get the help you deserve to get - now?
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
Bill, I've tried to do the "professional help" thing. It doesn't. I don't feel any better today than I did 15 months ago. Truthfully, I feel worse. I want things to be better but I believe I have exhausted normal treatment options.
Howell
Storage? I am Storage!
Merc, is there even a small amount of comfort or relief you would feel if you were "confined"? What does being institutionalized mean to you? Describe being institutionalized/what its like being institutionalized (since you haven't been, imagine)?
Fushigi
Storage Is My Life
Merc, I can drive down to Indiana pretty much any weekend if you want to hook up again. Or you could come over and stay a weekend at my place We've got guest bedrooms and it'd get you away from your corner of the world for a few hours at practically no cost. What would we do? Heck, I don't know. I'm not a particularly social critter myself, but we could hang out, chat, watch movies, drink some wine, go to CompUSA / BestBuy / Circuit City and laugh at the computer sales folks, eat pizza / chinese / whatever, play with the dog & cat, or just veg out.
If you're up for it, you're welcome any time (as long as we're in town that weekend).
If you're up for it, you're welcome any time (as long as we're in town that weekend).
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
Howell said:
Doubtful.
What I've been told is that you're kept in a ward with security that prevents you from leaving. Not a cell or anything, just a combination of alarms and burly guys who really don't want you to go anywhere until someone says it's OK. You're held in "observation", probably medicated, probably given individual or group therapy (with the goal of making you not-dangerous, not actually helping).
I resent the idea that someone else gets to make decisions about my personal freedom. I don't think I'd do well in a group setting like that (I didn't ever adjust to dormitories in college, either. My adjustment consisted of keeping my door closed at all times and turning up my music until I couldn't hear anything else, only emerging to eat and attend most of my classes).
Fushigi, I'm not one to impose on anyone. Plus, I like to work on weekends. Thanks though.
Fushigi
Storage Is My Life
It's no imposition; we like having people over. Her folks come over once in a while. I've a friend who lives in Indy; he stays with us about every other month. Another friend comes over a couple of times a year. My sister & her kids stay on occasion. My wife's nieces (my nieces-in-law?) come over when they're going to go dancing at 0G in Naperville. People just wander in and out as they see fit.Mercutio said:
It's no bother. One guest room has a king sized bed; the other is a queen. 2.5 baths, plenty of parking, cable modem, numerous restaraunts within a few minutes drive, etc.
And need I remind you that getting away from so much work has been suggested by several people here.
Anyway, the offer remains open.
The JoJo
Wannabe Storage Freak
Merc, why not take Fushigi's offer? That would be a really nice break from normal, wouldn't it?
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
Hard to explain. Part would be that I'd think I'm imposing. This is as much a product of the mores of the region where I live as anything else. Another part would be that I'm not sure I'd know how to behave or interact with Fushigi or his wife. I tend to make myself physically ill in situations like that, which would then make an awkward situation worse, which would make me even worse.
I can see a number of possible outcomes.
One is that I might basically clam up and spend a great deal of energy politely being the least intrusive guest imaginable (e.g. trying to blend in with the walls, stay away from people and concentrate on things like not leaving footprints in the carpet). This is normally what happens to me at family gatherings if I run out of computer things to fix, and those are the people I'm comfortable with. Sort of. Anyway, the net is that I spend a great deal more time and energy on being a decent guest than on, say, enjoying myself or paying attention to my surroundings. When I leave, my host would say "Egads, the stick up that man's ass has a stick up it's ass."
The second is that I might very well become ill, probably in conjunction with #1, but moreso, such that I could become "the guest who would not leave the washroom".
The third is that some combination of #1 and #2 would make me decide to leave - as they very likely would - probably in a manner that would be highly impolite. This has happened to me at literally every social gathering of more than two people I've attended in my adult life.
The fourth is that I actually manage to conduct myself properly, not make myself ill and to do properly guestly things... and then I make some grievous faux pas, causing, in short order, #1, #2, and #3. I have no idea what that faux pas might be but then, I've never been accused of being tactful, either.
The fifth is that I go and everything goes wonderfully. While this is possible, I can't say it's ever happened, which is why it's down at the bottom of the list.
I can see a number of possible outcomes.
One is that I might basically clam up and spend a great deal of energy politely being the least intrusive guest imaginable (e.g. trying to blend in with the walls, stay away from people and concentrate on things like not leaving footprints in the carpet). This is normally what happens to me at family gatherings if I run out of computer things to fix, and those are the people I'm comfortable with. Sort of. Anyway, the net is that I spend a great deal more time and energy on being a decent guest than on, say, enjoying myself or paying attention to my surroundings. When I leave, my host would say "Egads, the stick up that man's ass has a stick up it's ass."
The second is that I might very well become ill, probably in conjunction with #1, but moreso, such that I could become "the guest who would not leave the washroom".
The third is that some combination of #1 and #2 would make me decide to leave - as they very likely would - probably in a manner that would be highly impolite. This has happened to me at literally every social gathering of more than two people I've attended in my adult life.
The fourth is that I actually manage to conduct myself properly, not make myself ill and to do properly guestly things... and then I make some grievous faux pas, causing, in short order, #1, #2, and #3. I have no idea what that faux pas might be but then, I've never been accused of being tactful, either.
The fifth is that I go and everything goes wonderfully. While this is possible, I can't say it's ever happened, which is why it's down at the bottom of the list.
Howell
Storage? I am Storage!
Merc, you have a lovely list of reasons not to visit. The good news is the list is moot. Nobody who cares about you cares if you spend the evening in the bathroom. I mean no body cares in a good way. By making the offer Fushigi is accepting that you might accidently burn the house down. And, if say you were starting to wear out your welcome it is his responsibility to talk about it with you. This is the sort of thing that happens when you have jobless friends that ask to stay with you for awhile.
If someone were to come to my house that I didn't or barely knew and threw up on the carpet. I wouldn't care that much. It just something that happens. Clean it up and move on with life. If the smell is too strong, move the party outside. I can't expect to live in a bubble and pretend that I can avoid annoying people sometimes or that I'm never going to get annoyed but you deal with it and move on.
PS, you so realize that when someone makes an offer it is by definition not an imposition.
If someone were to come to my house that I didn't or barely knew and threw up on the carpet. I wouldn't care that much. It just something that happens. Clean it up and move on with life. If the smell is too strong, move the party outside. I can't expect to live in a bubble and pretend that I can avoid annoying people sometimes or that I'm never going to get annoyed but you deal with it and move on.
PS, you so realize that when someone makes an offer it is by definition not an imposition.
Fushigi
Storage Is My Life
But certainly not with any desire for such an outcome. I just refinanced a few months ago...Howell said:
Yep. Treat it the same as if someone spilled a soda or flipped over a plate of food. Clean it up and move on. No big deal.
On Thursday 3 of us from work went out to lunch. We settled on my one coworkers car as it's a little larger than mine and the other guy had spilled milk in his car a couple of days earlier and it was smelling rather rotten.
Quite so. Except for the fire bit :lol: I entirely agree with Howell.
I'll add that as a teen I was rather nervous around girls (being the naive geek that I was). So much so that I did in fact get physically ill & had to vomit a few times. So I understand that kind of physical reaction in a social situation.
mubs
Storage? I am Storage!
Let go. Go with the flow. Just be.
I used to be a lot like Merc in my younger days; don't impose, blend with the background, etc. I've loosened up a lot over the years. One has to, to stop living in a bubble and start living in the real world.
I used to be a lot like Merc in my younger days; don't impose, blend with the background, etc. I've loosened up a lot over the years. One has to, to stop living in a bubble and start living in the real world.
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
I don't like the real world. The person I care most about wants nothing to do with me in the real world.
slo crostic
Learning Storage Performance
Mercutio said:
How do you know this person is the one person you care most about? Have you already met everyone in the real world?
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
The only way I can respond is that you would've had to know her. Someday, if I ever felt well enough, I could write about it. It's a really amazing story.
slo crostic
Learning Storage Performance
I'm sure it truly is an amazing story merc, and you seem to be in a real state of loss over her, but there are other stories out there, maybe not quite so amazing but enjoyable nonetheless, and they are just waiting for the starring character to come along (i.e. you).
All said and done, I don't know where to meet people either. Infact, I'm probably in a similar boat to you on that side of things. Most of my prevoius girlfriends I have met through friends, it seems women automatically feel comfortable with someone who has the approval of their friends already. I'm quite shy in public and don't find it easy in any way to approach a girl at a bar with a corny pickup line. I have times when I get a bit fed up with my gutlessness and just put on a happy face and think "bugger it, I'm most likely never going to meet this person again anyway so what does it matter if they don't like me." This approach has paid off a few times, but I have never formed a lasting relationship this way. But then who knows, maybe I'll meet the girl of my dreams this way one day.
P.S. If none of this is helping and I'm just an annoyance, please tell me to piss off. I won't take offence.
All said and done, I don't know where to meet people either. Infact, I'm probably in a similar boat to you on that side of things. Most of my prevoius girlfriends I have met through friends, it seems women automatically feel comfortable with someone who has the approval of their friends already. I'm quite shy in public and don't find it easy in any way to approach a girl at a bar with a corny pickup line. I have times when I get a bit fed up with my gutlessness and just put on a happy face and think "bugger it, I'm most likely never going to meet this person again anyway so what does it matter if they don't like me." This approach has paid off a few times, but I have never formed a lasting relationship this way. But then who knows, maybe I'll meet the girl of my dreams this way one day.
P.S. If none of this is helping and I'm just an annoyance, please tell me to piss off. I won't take offence.
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
Understand that I'm rather a bit more isolated than that, having zero social acquaintances and lacking the interests, knowledge and temperament that would allow me to spend time in a bar (or any place else that young people gather socially).
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
Come to think of it, I seem to have a sort-of Perfect Storm of social problems, don't I?
Jake the Dog
Storage is cool
hmmm, is it just me that thinks that if Merc were suggested the ideal place to go and meet people, he wouldn't anyway?
Merc, you went to that flesh-fest not long ago with your brother. it was a gathering of people with a common interest there to be entertained by performers. excluding the style of entertainment, how does that differ from say a classical music concert? does your brother enjoy classical music too? would he go with you to a concert?
Merc, you went to that flesh-fest not long ago with your brother. it was a gathering of people with a common interest there to be entertained by performers. excluding the style of entertainment, how does that differ from say a classical music concert? does your brother enjoy classical music too? would he go with you to a concert?
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
No, he doesn't.
And if you'll recall, I was railroaded into the festival without being told where I was going.
And if you'll recall, I was railroaded into the festival without being told where I was going.
Jake the Dog
Storage is cool
must have missed the bit where you said you were railroaded. did you not have a good time there?
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
Tough to say.
I was much more uncomfortable when the camera batteries died.
I don't know if I could go out, even if I knew where to go. I don't know where to go, though, so it's a moot point.
I was much more uncomfortable when the camera batteries died.
I don't know if I could go out, even if I knew where to go. I don't know where to go, though, so it's a moot point.
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
To respond to Jake's accusation that I wouldn't attend a perfect function for me to meet people:
Philosophically, I really would like to spend my whole life on an island someplace, away from everyone except maybe the one person whom I really do enjoy being with.
There's an issue of identity there as well. The person I am is asocial. Most extroverted-types think this is something like a choice - that I could choose to be a social animal. I do not think this is the case; other than the abstract awareness that I should be social, the idea of socialization is almost entirely alien to me. I think that's why there's a lot of "I can't"-speech in my posts. The identity-bit comes in realizing that I *am* outside social norms in an awful lot of ways, and that attempts to change my behavior would be untrue to the person I have lived to become, and would be untrue to the persons I attempt to socialize with, since any new persona I might adopt would be false to myself (ethical asociality?) and very probably transparent to those I might attempt to engage.
Does that make sense?
Put another way, if I were with a group of people, socially, the thing that I know, for myself, to be the proper thing to do is to withdraw. Anything else I might do would be presenting a facade that is both unpleasant to myself and unconvincing to those around me. A social situation where I could "be myself" wouldn't be a social situation at all, hence the label of "asociality".
Note that this is different from anti-social behavior in that I'm not in any way disruptive to the social activities of others.
Philosophically, I really would like to spend my whole life on an island someplace, away from everyone except maybe the one person whom I really do enjoy being with.
There's an issue of identity there as well. The person I am is asocial. Most extroverted-types think this is something like a choice - that I could choose to be a social animal. I do not think this is the case; other than the abstract awareness that I should be social, the idea of socialization is almost entirely alien to me. I think that's why there's a lot of "I can't"-speech in my posts. The identity-bit comes in realizing that I *am* outside social norms in an awful lot of ways, and that attempts to change my behavior would be untrue to the person I have lived to become, and would be untrue to the persons I attempt to socialize with, since any new persona I might adopt would be false to myself (ethical asociality?) and very probably transparent to those I might attempt to engage.
Does that make sense?
Put another way, if I were with a group of people, socially, the thing that I know, for myself, to be the proper thing to do is to withdraw. Anything else I might do would be presenting a facade that is both unpleasant to myself and unconvincing to those around me. A social situation where I could "be myself" wouldn't be a social situation at all, hence the label of "asociality".
Note that this is different from anti-social behavior in that I'm not in any way disruptive to the social activities of others.
Jake the Dog
Storage is cool
my comment was not intended in any way as a "accusation" rather it was a statement of my thinking. it's not a nasty thought, just a thought.
you see the thing that doesn't add up to me is the fact that you say that you're most comfortable with yourself and have no desire to interact socially with anypersons in a physical situations yet you put forward the question of how to meet people? if the awareness that you should be social is abstract to you and the idea of doing so almost alien to you, why not just be comfortable with not doing so?
you recognise your way of thinking and/or behaviour does not conform to the social norm. does that really matter to you? personally I don't think you're that different from many of us, certainly I wouldn't suggest you're anywhere close to being "odd". I know there are plenty of fully functional and happy people like yourself, they have just become comfortable with themselves and who they are. is it that you're concerened with how other may judge you for being "different"? it doesn't seem like anyone here has judged you negatively and I'm sure it's hardly because most of us haven't met you in person.
you see the thing that doesn't add up to me is the fact that you say that you're most comfortable with yourself and have no desire to interact socially with anypersons in a physical situations yet you put forward the question of how to meet people? if the awareness that you should be social is abstract to you and the idea of doing so almost alien to you, why not just be comfortable with not doing so?
you recognise your way of thinking and/or behaviour does not conform to the social norm. does that really matter to you? personally I don't think you're that different from many of us, certainly I wouldn't suggest you're anywhere close to being "odd". I know there are plenty of fully functional and happy people like yourself, they have just become comfortable with themselves and who they are. is it that you're concerened with how other may judge you for being "different"? it doesn't seem like anyone here has judged you negatively and I'm sure it's hardly because most of us haven't met you in person.
Mercutio said:
Well I'll be frank with you as to what my take is on you and this situation. I mean no disrespect by telling you what I am about to and I am not doing so to hurt you in any way - hopefully I won't.
I think you do want to meet "someone" or you would not have gone to eharmony or even listened to what your co-worker had suggested to you. And I think this creates quite a dilema for you because essentially you are afraid to meet new people. I don't mean physical fear but rather fear of rejection - a deep seated problem with trust. I suspect from what you've written that you have been this way most of your life - probably since early childhood. I think it is particularly hard to deal with this fear right now since you are still hurting from having been rejected / betrayed by Amy. And from the way you are reacting to that breakup I suspect that it was not a healthy relationship, rather it was a very codependant one and now that you have lost that crutch you are devastated.
In my opinion the last thing you need to do right now is get involved with someone else. What you need to do is get "right" with yourself first before you meet any one new.
You have hinted that you are not willing (you don't feel it would honest) to change who you are. And yet you do not impress me as being happy as you are - are you? If you are not then does this sound like healthy thinking to you? I suspect this is really is another fear issue - fear of the unkown if you will. Change can be a very frightening idea.
You have rejected any suggestion of getting professional help because you have tried that and it didn't work. Well therapy works for some folks and not for others. Still others actually get worse while undergoing therapy. Personally, I think therapy only helps folks who are experiencing temporary problems in their lives. For the life long truly nutty types like myself it doesn't seem do much.
On the other hand, medication can help you to not only be more comfortable, but also can give you the means by which you can begin the road to recovery. If that is what you want - and at this point I'm not sure that you do want to recover. In a way you don't seem to think that there is anything to "recover" from - that it is just the way you are. Well it is not surprising if you believe this if you've been this way since childhood. If you catch jock itch when you are five years old and still have it when you hit thirty... it is not longer a "problem" - know what I mean?
I know that you've tried many medications already. And I know that they all have side effects of one sort or the other and basically are a serious hassel to take - particularly waiting for them to work. But you haven't tried them all Mercutio. Only a professional can write you a perscription. Believe me, if you ever find the right one you will be thankful that you went through all of the bullshit to find it.
On the hand... what the hell do I know?
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
I seem to be at the point where it's just easier to give up.
I've tried to write replies to the above that would be brief and would still adequately contain my thoughts. I can't seem to find that particular set of words.
I've tried to write replies to the above that would be brief and would still adequately contain my thoughts. I can't seem to find that particular set of words.
Howell
Storage? I am Storage!
Mercutio said:
And yet you spend so much time here. This is a social environment, you know. There is plenty of enough dichotomy in what you have written. The guy I spoke to on the phone is not asocial.
You clearly are in the middle of an identity crisis. You need to figure out who you want to be. Be brave.
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
This is a social environment, but it is distinctly not face to face. I can take the time to be articulate in my comments here without having to deal with the stress of nonverbal communication.
Body language and facial expression are things that I don't seem to process very well. Very possibly a contributing factor to my present condition.
Besides Howell, I spoke to you and we talked about work, mostly. Probably the topic I'm most comfortable with.
Anyway, I saw this today. I think it's interesting.
Thinking about these things also reminded me of this, a discussion of mild autism called Asperger's Syndrome. I score a 41 out of 50 on the test they link to. I wouldn't be surprised if others here have similarly high scores. It's an interesting read, anyway.
Body language and facial expression are things that I don't seem to process very well. Very possibly a contributing factor to my present condition.
Besides Howell, I spoke to you and we talked about work, mostly. Probably the topic I'm most comfortable with.
Anyway, I saw this today. I think it's interesting.
Thinking about these things also reminded me of this, a discussion of mild autism called Asperger's Syndrome. I score a 41 out of 50 on the test they link to. I wouldn't be surprised if others here have similarly high scores. It's an interesting read, anyway.
jtr1962
Storage? I am Storage!
35 out of 50. Scary. One tendency I have is that I tend to get absorbed in a project to the extent of all else for days, weeks, sometimes months. I'm personally a bit more socialable than you are, Mercutio, but I generally avoid small talk and social situations whenever I can. For example, I rarely go to family gatherings any more. I'm tired of being asked why don't you have a steady job, are you dating anyone, and don't you want to get married and have kids. One time I rather impolitely reminded them that there's a lot more to life than those three things, and there are plenty of other things to talk to me about. That aside, with the right people, I really do enjoy socializing. In high school I had lots of friends, but I was also fortunate to be in a school with others like myself. I was still smarter than most of the people there, but not exceptionally so. It was also nice having people much smarter than me.
As strange as this may sound, introverts tend to be very sociable with each other. They generally dislike the same things their friends do, so they avoid small talk. I remember when I met the girl who later became my one and only true love. After not too long a silence was very comfortable between us. Many things ended up implied rather than said. I would say she wasn't quite as introverted as me, but she certainly wasn't overtly sociable either. Same for most of my other friends. You got to know them a bit at a time, rather than like an extrovert who will spill his/her guts to the first person he/she meets at a bar. Maybe the condition termed "introvert" is really just a result of not meeting many people that you find interesting. Living in NYC, I'm luckier than most in this regard, but the majority of average people bore me to death. Still, I have the ability to make small talk when I need to, even though I'm usually bored by it.
As strange as this may sound, introverts tend to be very sociable with each other. They generally dislike the same things their friends do, so they avoid small talk. I remember when I met the girl who later became my one and only true love. After not too long a silence was very comfortable between us. Many things ended up implied rather than said. I would say she wasn't quite as introverted as me, but she certainly wasn't overtly sociable either. Same for most of my other friends. You got to know them a bit at a time, rather than like an extrovert who will spill his/her guts to the first person he/she meets at a bar. Maybe the condition termed "introvert" is really just a result of not meeting many people that you find interesting. Living in NYC, I'm luckier than most in this regard, but the majority of average people bore me to death. Still, I have the ability to make small talk when I need to, even though I'm usually bored by it.
Howell
Storage? I am Storage!
Mercutio said:
It is irrelevant what we mostly taked about. It is natural to talk about what you have in common or have previously discussed. The more you get to know someone the more things there are to talk about, ala SF. There is really only so much you can talk about in an hour.
You are focusing too much on details. What I noticed is that several times you initiated conversation. You asked me questions about my life. From your writings I did not expect that. I have had laborious conversations before and you did not make me work.
I've said it before keep looking for people who will let you be yourself, warts and all. But don't assume (or be hyper-sensitive) that people don't like you. My advice is that until you develop a feel for non-verbal communication assume that everyone is enthralled with what you say.
BTW, non-verbal communication is not that complicated and not necessarily simply intuitive. There are specific things to look for. There are books about it and if you are observant in the least you will pick it up.
PS, I got a 20 on the test. Based on the article, I take in tons of information but I don't filter or catagorize it very well. Maybe I'm a little schitzo.