Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
Simple question. Any answers?
How do people meet people?
- Thread starter Mercutio
- Start date
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
Reason for question: I visited eharmony.com at the suggestion of a coworker who, to put it diplomatically, thinks I need a girlfriend (not the phrase she used).
I went through a LONG questionaire, only to be told "One in five people isn't compatible with anyone, according to our methodology."
That's it. OK. They said it over a couple of paragraphs instead of a sentence, but that's the executive summary.
Gee thanks.
So I told this to my coworker, and she said "Don't you have any friends who could introduce you to someone?"
And I said "No."
Which leads me to ask how people meet people. I certainly don't meet anyone.
I went through a LONG questionaire, only to be told "One in five people isn't compatible with anyone, according to our methodology."
That's it. OK. They said it over a couple of paragraphs instead of a sentence, but that's the executive summary.
Gee thanks.
So I told this to my coworker, and she said "Don't you have any friends who could introduce you to someone?"
And I said "No."
Which leads me to ask how people meet people. I certainly don't meet anyone.
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
You people are all a lot more... normal? Socially functional? Than I am.
As a rule, I'm not a person one introduces others to. My coworkers mostly don't even attempt to have conversations with me (nor I them. Not a whole lot in common with them. Or anyone else).
As a rule, I'm not a person one introduces others to. My coworkers mostly don't even attempt to have conversations with me (nor I them. Not a whole lot in common with them. Or anyone else).
I met Laura through her sister, who was dating one (or two) of my college roommates. They had a party and she was invited over. I was being my usual dumb-self and made my chicken sandwitch talk...oddly enough I was the only one not driking that night.
Somehow, my weirdness sparked an interest in Laura. As for most other people, I can only think of how I met them through the interests I had.
Somehow, my weirdness sparked an interest in Laura. As for most other people, I can only think of how I met them through the interests I had.
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
"Normal" is being able to have enough of a shared experience in life to have a common point for conversation.
I work 90+ hours a week. I spend the rest reading about computer stuff or playing around here. Or sleeping. Not a lot to go on, is there?
I work 90+ hours a week. I spend the rest reading about computer stuff or playing around here. Or sleeping. Not a lot to go on, is there?
Doug,
What did the sandwich say? Was it fresh? (sorry)
Merc,
You're an extremely intelligent and nice young man. You have many interests that you've shared with us here and I see no reason why you can't find someone to date. How about joining or volunteering at a local theater group? Or at the library?
What did the sandwich say? Was it fresh? (sorry)
Merc,
You're an extremely intelligent and nice young man. You have many interests that you've shared with us here and I see no reason why you can't find someone to date. How about joining or volunteering at a local theater group? Or at the library?
Hey you have to stop throwing roadblocks up here when people who care about you are trying to help. You do that a lot by the way and I'm sure I'm not the first one to tell you that.Mercutio said:
90 hours a week at work is not healthy. Cut that way down to something reasonable. Then get off your ass and get out of the house and try to meet people.
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
It isn't like I have a whole lot else to do. Work is good. I get paid for doing something I enjoy. Not a lot of down sides to that one.
Man, I don't see anything but roadblocks. Part of me says that I'd be best off if I cut myself off completely for a good long while. Another part says I should do (something) and become a more social creature.
... except, that social creature is emphatically not me, and what goes in the (something) space, I can't seem to figure out. There's a real conflict between wanting to be left more-or-less alone with wanting someone to be alone with (which doesn't make a whole lot of sense, I guess).
Man, I don't see anything but roadblocks. Part of me says that I'd be best off if I cut myself off completely for a good long while. Another part says I should do (something) and become a more social creature.
... except, that social creature is emphatically not me, and what goes in the (something) space, I can't seem to figure out. There's a real conflict between wanting to be left more-or-less alone with wanting someone to be alone with (which doesn't make a whole lot of sense, I guess).
mubs
Storage? I am Storage!
Right on.Handruin said:
Yup. Note that I'm only agreeing that flagreen and his various avatars are nutty, not that Merc is.flagreen said:
Not true. You're probably heck of a lot more extroverted than I am. That recent experience you recounted of driving back from somewhere, seeing some kind of show, stopping, talking to that famous guy and getting his autograph - I'd never have done that. You've proven you can be social when you want to. The amount of posts you make here, and the diversity of your posts prove you're not a "one-dimensional" guy.Merc said:
If you don't give yourself time for good things to happen, they won't. Work no more than 60 hours a week.Merc said:
You do. You post on so many topics here; politics, contemporary events, music, movies. Just one of those is enough to get the ball rolling!Merc said:
Since I'm pretty introverted myself, I can't really tell you how to meet people, but I'll gamely try. Handy's suggestion is profound. And you have family there, don't you? Ask them to introduce you around. I'm sure they'd be delighted to. How about your students (after they graduate, of course)? Go to parties thrown by your friends, family. Go to workplace parties.
There are numerous guys I know who were very shy, introverted (systems programmer types). Most of them got hitched because their girls found them attractive and piled on to them. But for that to happen, you at least have to be visible. Working 90 hours a week and then hiding in your home won't help. Join clubs in the area that have activities that interest you.
Go, Merc, Go.
flaggy, no offense meant.
You're social enough here online. If you have social anxiety about being around people then that's a treatable disorder. So get it treated. Everyone here likes you, even The Giver for Christ's sakes.
There are a lot of people who feel just as you do about being left alone. So find someone to be left alone with.
You have make an effort is the thing.
There are a lot of people who feel just as you do about being left alone. So find someone to be left alone with.
You have make an effort is the thing.
jtr1962
Storage? I am Storage!
You're a one-person person who happens to have lost the one person they wanted to be with. I can certainly relate to that. I'm not sure that I would want to constantly have friends calling me but from time to time I think it would be nice to have a person in my life other than my immediate family or the few people I do contract work for. Unfortunately, meeting people is very hard to do in a society where people constantly move around and never put down roots anywhere. Add to that the fact that most people you meet nowadays are superficial. They don't want a close relationship even if they say they do. Get too close and it drives them away. I know what you seek. The truth is most people are incapable of giving it. Our society requires people to develop all sorts of defense mechanisms just to earn a living. As a result, most people lose the ability to develop really close relationships as adults or even before. Why do you think so many people think back to their first love in 8th grade, 9th grade, whatever, so fondly. That was likely the only time in their life that they gave and received unconditional love from another person. Also the reason we get so attached to our pets. So simply put the problem isn't with you, it's with the world we live in. Feel better now?Mercutio said:
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
mubs, I'm a guy who can come to work, do my job (er, on days when I'm not teaching, although one particularly grouchy morning I *did* try to make do with pointing and grunting), go home and then do it two or three more days, without speaking to anyone. That's introverted.
But I digress.
It doesn't seem to me that adults have a lot of ways to meet other people.
Bars?
Churches?
Every once in awhile someone will say Laundromats, bookstores or libraries.
The local mega-bookstore (Borders) has a singles scene that may actually surpass its sales of books. Replace Schlitz with Latte and whatever the hell music people listen to in bars with James Taylor (one would assume that no self-respecting bar would tolerate "Fire and Rain") and to my observation the things would probably be identical.
That seems to be the whole "general purpose" list.
But I digress.
It doesn't seem to me that adults have a lot of ways to meet other people.
Bars?
Churches?
Every once in awhile someone will say Laundromats, bookstores or libraries.
The local mega-bookstore (Borders) has a singles scene that may actually surpass its sales of books. Replace Schlitz with Latte and whatever the hell music people listen to in bars with James Taylor (one would assume that no self-respecting bar would tolerate "Fire and Rain") and to my observation the things would probably be identical.
That seems to be the whole "general purpose" list.
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
jtr: No, I don't. I haven't felt better in so long I can't even remember feeling better. I feel a whole lot of "worse" though.
flagreen: Supposedly the antidepressants I take (200mg Zoloft) are supposed to relieve social anxiety. They don't appear to, in my case. In fact, they don't appear to do anything in my case, but I take them anyway, because Indiana has fairly liberal laws regarding who can commit someone to an institution.
As far as "effort" goes, the question becomes, generally, where does one make the effort? I genuinely don't know. I don't know where to start or where to go after starting.
I function well enough in a business setting because everything follows a script that I understand. If the script goes, I don't know what to do anymore, socially. Anyone know what I'm talking about?
flagreen: Supposedly the antidepressants I take (200mg Zoloft) are supposed to relieve social anxiety. They don't appear to, in my case. In fact, they don't appear to do anything in my case, but I take them anyway, because Indiana has fairly liberal laws regarding who can commit someone to an institution.
As far as "effort" goes, the question becomes, generally, where does one make the effort? I genuinely don't know. I don't know where to start or where to go after starting.
I function well enough in a business setting because everything follows a script that I understand. If the script goes, I don't know what to do anymore, socially. Anyone know what I'm talking about?
Zoloft sucks. Been there done that. Talk to your Doctor about trying Paxil.Mercutio said:
I know what your talking about. Not fitting in or not knowing how to function socially. There is no script. It will come naturally once you take care of the anxiety.
mubs
Storage? I am Storage!
Merc: before I forget, when I do get to see you, remind me to kick you in the butt repeatedly till you beg me to stop.
For all his nuttiness, flaggy has an astute side that is amazing. And jtr, I understand what you're saying, but have to disagree. I'm not writing off the world yet.
I've read self-help books from my teens; one book I read recently that really impressed me was Deepak Chopra's "Seven Spiritual Laws of Success". When I started it (out of boredom, and it happened to be in the host's library), I thought it was another corny book about getting rich. Nope. It's about getting what you want in life - relationships, happiness, (and material success of course). To me, in my "old geezer who's been through a lot" days, it makes a lot of sense. I went out and bought my own copy. It's a small book; you can finish it in a couple of hours. Wherever you're coming from - spiritual, new-age, psychology, whatever, it seems to be right on.
Get the book, Merc. Follow the advice, and see what happens. Heck, man, what do you have to lose?
For all his nuttiness, flaggy has an astute side that is amazing. And jtr, I understand what you're saying, but have to disagree. I'm not writing off the world yet.
I've read self-help books from my teens; one book I read recently that really impressed me was Deepak Chopra's "Seven Spiritual Laws of Success". When I started it (out of boredom, and it happened to be in the host's library), I thought it was another corny book about getting rich. Nope. It's about getting what you want in life - relationships, happiness, (and material success of course). To me, in my "old geezer who's been through a lot" days, it makes a lot of sense. I went out and bought my own copy. It's a small book; you can finish it in a couple of hours. Wherever you're coming from - spiritual, new-age, psychology, whatever, it seems to be right on.
Get the book, Merc. Follow the advice, and see what happens. Heck, man, what do you have to lose?
Mercutio said:
Yep, that sounds exactly like how I feel. I'm not good at interacting with people, or making small talk. It takes me a long time before I feel comfortable around people, which is part of the reason I'm glad I have a close family. My relatives are about the only people I really feel comfortable being around, and I'm not worried about what everyone is thinking about me.
mubs
Storage? I am Storage!
Script! So that's the problem! What the heck do you think life is, a software prgram? Been watching too much of "The Matrix"????
Just let go, man! No script required. Be/do/say what comes naturally at the moment. Live in the now! One point jtr was so bang on was that work regiments us. To varying degrees, we've lost spontaneity. Especially us bit-oriented folks. Let your hair down, Merc (and if you have short hair, grow it hehe).
The spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment things we do are very, very important. It's what makes us human. Or we could very well be programmed robots.
So as flaggy said, you'll be producing / acting the script in real time, automatically. Just give it a chance.
Just let go, man! No script required. Be/do/say what comes naturally at the moment. Live in the now! One point jtr was so bang on was that work regiments us. To varying degrees, we've lost spontaneity. Especially us bit-oriented folks. Let your hair down, Merc (and if you have short hair, grow it hehe).
The spontaneous, spur-of-the-moment things we do are very, very important. It's what makes us human. Or we could very well be programmed robots.
So as flaggy said, you'll be producing / acting the script in real time, automatically. Just give it a chance.
SteveC said:
I feel the same way. I'm terrible at small talk, which seems to be the required component to interact with people. However, I never really understand what is in "small" talk until I recently started to listen.
What I hear is typical friendship related discussions that generally don't pertain to me...so I never have the "foot in the door" experience to get the conversation rolling. Now I'm not even talking about meeting a lady, that part is done; I'm talking about people in general. The largest anxiety for me is that once I get that rare opportunity of placing my foot in the door...what happens if nothing sparks after the small talk ends?
So I’ve learned that going places with Laura to visit with her friends is more like shooting my foot, rather than getting it in the door. Their discussions do not encompass events I’ve never witnessed, nor do I have any means of participating in, so how do I ever get into these conversations. I typically spend time listening, which slowly puts me in my own corner making me the outcast.
I haven’t figured it out yet…when (if) I do, I’ll be sure to share.
I've learned one thing so far; some people are better bullshit artists than I am, and I realize it is not what I want to be.
timwhit
Hairy Aussie
I seem to meet people wherever I go. If I go to a bar then I will meet new people. Since I'm in college I take lots of classes and I almost always meet a few people in my classes. I met a whole lot of people when I lived in the dorms my freshman year of school, including my girlfriend.
I don't have a secret, I just start talking to people. If that person turns out to be a jerk or I have nothing to talk about with them, then I don't talk to them again. If I find them interesting then I will talk to them again.
Maybe you could take some classes Merc? Just do something that will give you a chance to interact with other people. How about spending more time with your brother(s)?
I don't have a secret, I just start talking to people. If that person turns out to be a jerk or I have nothing to talk about with them, then I don't talk to them again. If I find them interesting then I will talk to them again.
Maybe you could take some classes Merc? Just do something that will give you a chance to interact with other people. How about spending more time with your brother(s)?
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
Flagreen: Tried paxil already. Believe it or not, it made my allergies (bad to begin with) act up and I started having nosebleeds. The wonder of medicine, I had those effects more or less right away, but would've had to take paxil for a couple months to get any relief with it.
For the rest, I didn't meet anyone in college. I did group projects by myself (of course by the time I graduated I learned that most of the people in my classes saw EVERYTHING as a group project, which explained a lot...). I knew some of the people who lived in my dorm, but I didn't socialize. I helped them with computers and math homework and then went back to my room (there's probably a pattern there somewhere).
Handruin: That's it, basically.
Of course, I feel like that around my family, too. Family members typically have something technical for me to do when I attend gatherings (hook up a stereo, fix some computers, put together a kid's toy...). Probably easier for me and for them.
mubs: There HAS to be a script. There's got to be some way to know what is and what isn't appropriate to say. I am not in the least bit spontaneous. That much is certain. If the programmed robot shoe fits...
Oh, yeah, and the Matrix, with the singular exception of scenes involving Carrie Anne Moss and tight leather, sucks.
For the rest, I didn't meet anyone in college. I did group projects by myself (of course by the time I graduated I learned that most of the people in my classes saw EVERYTHING as a group project, which explained a lot...). I knew some of the people who lived in my dorm, but I didn't socialize. I helped them with computers and math homework and then went back to my room (there's probably a pattern there somewhere).
Handruin: That's it, basically.
Of course, I feel like that around my family, too. Family members typically have something technical for me to do when I attend gatherings (hook up a stereo, fix some computers, put together a kid's toy...). Probably easier for me and for them.
mubs: There HAS to be a script. There's got to be some way to know what is and what isn't appropriate to say. I am not in the least bit spontaneous. That much is certain. If the programmed robot shoe fits...
Oh, yeah, and the Matrix, with the singular exception of scenes involving Carrie Anne Moss and tight leather, sucks.
Pradeep
Storage? I am Storage!
As flagreen said, I think common interests are the key. Most of my good friends I met at the pistol club I'm a member of. See them a couple of times a week, and then we usually go interstate to State/National champs etc. Known them for about 6 years now. Also I have friends from high skool/Uni, but I don't see them as often.
When I meet new people I often bring up the fact that I shoot pistols, it's interesting to see the different reactions. Some people want to know all about it, genuine interest, and I see others that suddenly get that frightened look in their eyes, like I'm a potential mass murderer.
When I meet new people I often bring up the fact that I shoot pistols, it's interesting to see the different reactions. Some people want to know all about it, genuine interest, and I see others that suddenly get that frightened look in their eyes, like I'm a potential mass murderer.
Will Rickards WT
Learning Storage Performance
If I hadn't met my wife in high school, I'd probably be singing the same sad tune you are merc. I can certainly understand the social anxiety and the need for a script, though I have to confess to being self diagnosed since I've never seen a doctor about it. My wife does a lot of the initial social interaction for me. Once I feel comfortable with someone then the anxiety goes away and I feel free to be myself.
I have plenty of opportunites for social interaction. When I don't take advantage of them you have 'the silence'. It is uncomfortable for both people. Outgoing people help to remove that uncomfortable silence. I know that sometimes I want to say something but may feel paralized in a sense. But saying something in those situations is really what you have to do to meet people. You just have to capitalize on opportunities.
Good luck
I have plenty of opportunites for social interaction. When I don't take advantage of them you have 'the silence'. It is uncomfortable for both people. Outgoing people help to remove that uncomfortable silence. I know that sometimes I want to say something but may feel paralized in a sense. But saying something in those situations is really what you have to do to meet people. You just have to capitalize on opportunities.
Good luck
Howell
Storage? I am Storage!
Although it is natural for me to go to work, work out and then go home to read/clean house exclusivly; I have recently decided that this could go on for a while unless I did something different. So now I have started running with a group one day a week. I prefer running alone but we chat before and after.
You work 90 hours weeks. No one at any of your work sites is interesting?
I see two potential attitudes to overcome though I could be wrong.
1. It is worth meeting and getting to know people for no other purpose then experiencing someone new. Or, there is value in each person in and of themselves, get to know them.
2. If you do not show people who you are you will not find people who like the same things you do. Don't be afraid to be yourself. At least try it. I have had more than one person tell me to my face that I'm really strange. Only a couple have found it particularly endearing yet.
Spontaneity can be learned to some degree. Have you never don't anything wild and crazy?
PS. Ever seen Fight Club? Join an AA group.
You work 90 hours weeks. No one at any of your work sites is interesting?
I see two potential attitudes to overcome though I could be wrong.
1. It is worth meeting and getting to know people for no other purpose then experiencing someone new. Or, there is value in each person in and of themselves, get to know them.
2. If you do not show people who you are you will not find people who like the same things you do. Don't be afraid to be yourself. At least try it. I have had more than one person tell me to my face that I'm really strange. Only a couple have found it particularly endearing yet.
Spontaneity can be learned to some degree. Have you never don't anything wild and crazy?
PS. Ever seen Fight Club? Join an AA group.
Fushigi
Storage Is My Life
Too bad I wasn't on last night. Wow, that's a lot of posts!
As has been said, cut back on your work week. Even 60 hours is quite a lot; I rarely do more than 45 myself. Sure, that means I've quite the backlog of work to get done (and here I am typing this) but my employer expects me to be a well-rounded person and not solely focused on the job.
Use the extra time from cutting back on work to explore the world around you with regard to your interests.
- You like to read. Join a book club, take a literature class.
- You like classical music. Attend concerts and hang out in the lobby during intermission. See if there are any discussion groups. Take a music theory class.
- You don't like most Hollywood cinema. Join a club/org that watches foreign/independent films. Or someplace that like to MST3K Hollywood.
- Any LUGs in your area?
- One friend of mine met his wife through a dating service.
- Look for political/religious/whatever activist groups (feel free to add "anti-" to the topic!) that are similar to your beliefs.
- Want one of the above but it's not available? Start it yourself. Meeting space at a library is usually free.
- If doing the above online helps, that's fine. But we are so shielded when online that it should only be counted as a starting point. IOW do so but with a local bent; stay with groups in NW IN and Chicagoland.
The idea is not to 'go meet someone'. The idea is to do things you like to do and that are related to your interests. Once there, you already have something in common with the others who are there. Conversation may or may not happen. If so, good. If not, that's fine too. Don't force anything. The script, so to say, is open for improvisation: You have a topic; see what you can do with it.
Don't become focused or obsessed on increasing your social visibility; that's not who you are. Become focused on enjoying what you enjoy and maybe you'll meet others who feel the same.
The biggest coming-out-of-your-shell to do at these events is to make yourself available.
Remember when we met? We chatted about this 'n' that for far longer than either of us expected to. You have the social skills and can keep up your end of a conversation.
Meeting a ladyfriend will take time. But that's fine; you've got time. As you expand your world beyond work+books+music+computers to work+books+music+computers+people who like the kind of music you like+people who read the same books you read+etc. you will most likely meet a lady you enjoy being with. Just don't rush things. Let it happen; go with the flow.
<observation>You're hiding yourself in work and a few other non-social interests. My guess is this will only fuel your depression over time. Sure, you do what you like but doing it to the exclusion of other things is not healthy.</observation>
As has been said, cut back on your work week. Even 60 hours is quite a lot; I rarely do more than 45 myself. Sure, that means I've quite the backlog of work to get done (and here I am typing this) but my employer expects me to be a well-rounded person and not solely focused on the job.
Use the extra time from cutting back on work to explore the world around you with regard to your interests.
- You like to read. Join a book club, take a literature class.
- You like classical music. Attend concerts and hang out in the lobby during intermission. See if there are any discussion groups. Take a music theory class.
- You don't like most Hollywood cinema. Join a club/org that watches foreign/independent films. Or someplace that like to MST3K Hollywood.
- Any LUGs in your area?
- One friend of mine met his wife through a dating service.
- Look for political/religious/whatever activist groups (feel free to add "anti-" to the topic!) that are similar to your beliefs.
- Want one of the above but it's not available? Start it yourself. Meeting space at a library is usually free.
- If doing the above online helps, that's fine. But we are so shielded when online that it should only be counted as a starting point. IOW do so but with a local bent; stay with groups in NW IN and Chicagoland.
The idea is not to 'go meet someone'. The idea is to do things you like to do and that are related to your interests. Once there, you already have something in common with the others who are there. Conversation may or may not happen. If so, good. If not, that's fine too. Don't force anything. The script, so to say, is open for improvisation: You have a topic; see what you can do with it.
Don't become focused or obsessed on increasing your social visibility; that's not who you are. Become focused on enjoying what you enjoy and maybe you'll meet others who feel the same.
The biggest coming-out-of-your-shell to do at these events is to make yourself available.
Remember when we met? We chatted about this 'n' that for far longer than either of us expected to. You have the social skills and can keep up your end of a conversation.
Meeting a ladyfriend will take time. But that's fine; you've got time. As you expand your world beyond work+books+music+computers to work+books+music+computers+people who like the kind of music you like+people who read the same books you read+etc. you will most likely meet a lady you enjoy being with. Just don't rush things. Let it happen; go with the flow.
<observation>You're hiding yourself in work and a few other non-social interests. My guess is this will only fuel your depression over time. Sure, you do what you like but doing it to the exclusion of other things is not healthy.</observation>
Tannin
Storage? I am Storage!
I know what you are talking about, when it comes to scripts, Merc. The other guys are all making sense, but (in this regard) they ain't on the wavelength that you are on. Once that script runs out, what do you do?
It's a major dilemma.
It's also a very, very common difficulty.
I often don't know what to do. I never used to know, but I learned a whole stack of scripts that I use in my daily business life So much so that I can just slip that "Tannin the Salesman" persona on like a well-worn jacket, even in situations that are not in the least work-related.
So, provided I have just a little energy, in case of need I can just pull on my salesman persona and deal with the social situation fairly effectively.
Note well: "deal with", "effectively". Do they sound like practical, almost mechanical terms? Yup. That's what it is: an empty and mechanical coping mechanisim. But effective, at least from the point of view of enduring the otherwise unscripted situation.
This is the point at which most people would no doubt say "but that isn't the real me". Hmmmm ..... dunno about that. Is there a "real me", or a "real" Mercutio, or a "real" Clocker or a "real" Dozer? Or is this idea that underneath that exteror shell we have, that each one of us has a "real person" on the inside just the usual misleading sophomoric bullshit? I incline towards the latter theory. It's bullshit.
Unfortunately, it's such common bullshit that we all swallow it and (if we are that way inclined) spend half our lives staring inwards at our friends, our lovers, our family, and most of all ourselves, looking for that chimmerical "real person".
You know what looking for the "real person inside" is like? It's like going to a Red Sox match and looking for the "real" baseball fan. There are 50,000 of them there, and every one of them is "real". So stop looking. The answer ain't any one of them, it's all of them.
There ain't a "real you" - there are dozens and dozens of different aspects to you, to me, to each one of us. Today I am X, tomorow I am Y, and all the way through I was also A and C and P and Q. We are all like that. We are all much too complex and changable to ever pin down to the individual "real" person. Trying to do so is like trying to catch fog in a bottle.
Anyway, I'm off-topic, I guess. It's not really an issue for me anymore in any case, as the reality is I barely notice people in more than a mechanical way these days. I should rather like to, but I just don't get time - and I'm not talking about work, I'm tallking about this passion I have developed for getting up before dawn and spending the entire day trying to take pictures of wildlife. And then sorting through the results. And then learning new software so that I can edit them properly. And reading up everything I can lay my hands on about them because I don't understand nearly enough yet (and I never will, not if I live to be 1000). And so on.
Life is too short.
The executive summary: I'm no good without scripts either. (Although I have a persona I can put on to deal with that.) But I don't like doing it all that much and it bores me. But I don't care anymore because I don't really have the time.
And now I have to go to bed because I have to get up early and pack so that I can drive to Benalla again after work and plant some trees. A whole weekend without taking any bird photographs!
No matter. I'll do something useful, meet some wonderful people and enjoy it a great deal. And all the way through, it won't be scripted because I'll be so damn busy doing what I want to do (i.e., plant as many trees as possible so that in 20 years there will still be some Regent Honeyeaters for me to take pictures of) that I won't have time to notice that I don't seem to have a script, and I won't need to fall back on that salesman persona either.
One day, maybe, I'll meet someone special at one of these events. And, because I'll be so wrapped up in whatever it is I'm doing, I won't need a script. I will just happen all by itself. But not too soon, I hope. Certainly not this year. I don't have the time.
Sooner or later, Mercutio, you will discover your passion. You will find something you are so interested in doing that you forget about most everything else in life, or at least pay just barely as much attention to those other things as is necessary. It will start slowly. It might well be something you already love, such as music, or writing (you write brilliantly). Or it might be something completely unexpected. Don't ever cut yourself off from those things.
Anyway, I hear what you are saying. That's mostly what I wanted to say.
My answer won't fit you, you are one of those other 50,000 faces at the baseball stadium and you will find your own answer, sooner or later.
It's a major dilemma.
It's also a very, very common difficulty.
I often don't know what to do. I never used to know, but I learned a whole stack of scripts that I use in my daily business life So much so that I can just slip that "Tannin the Salesman" persona on like a well-worn jacket, even in situations that are not in the least work-related.
So, provided I have just a little energy, in case of need I can just pull on my salesman persona and deal with the social situation fairly effectively.
Note well: "deal with", "effectively". Do they sound like practical, almost mechanical terms? Yup. That's what it is: an empty and mechanical coping mechanisim. But effective, at least from the point of view of enduring the otherwise unscripted situation.
This is the point at which most people would no doubt say "but that isn't the real me". Hmmmm ..... dunno about that. Is there a "real me", or a "real" Mercutio, or a "real" Clocker or a "real" Dozer? Or is this idea that underneath that exteror shell we have, that each one of us has a "real person" on the inside just the usual misleading sophomoric bullshit? I incline towards the latter theory. It's bullshit.
Unfortunately, it's such common bullshit that we all swallow it and (if we are that way inclined) spend half our lives staring inwards at our friends, our lovers, our family, and most of all ourselves, looking for that chimmerical "real person".
You know what looking for the "real person inside" is like? It's like going to a Red Sox match and looking for the "real" baseball fan. There are 50,000 of them there, and every one of them is "real". So stop looking. The answer ain't any one of them, it's all of them.
There ain't a "real you" - there are dozens and dozens of different aspects to you, to me, to each one of us. Today I am X, tomorow I am Y, and all the way through I was also A and C and P and Q. We are all like that. We are all much too complex and changable to ever pin down to the individual "real" person. Trying to do so is like trying to catch fog in a bottle.
Anyway, I'm off-topic, I guess. It's not really an issue for me anymore in any case, as the reality is I barely notice people in more than a mechanical way these days. I should rather like to, but I just don't get time - and I'm not talking about work, I'm tallking about this passion I have developed for getting up before dawn and spending the entire day trying to take pictures of wildlife. And then sorting through the results. And then learning new software so that I can edit them properly. And reading up everything I can lay my hands on about them because I don't understand nearly enough yet (and I never will, not if I live to be 1000). And so on.
Life is too short.
The executive summary: I'm no good without scripts either. (Although I have a persona I can put on to deal with that.) But I don't like doing it all that much and it bores me. But I don't care anymore because I don't really have the time.
And now I have to go to bed because I have to get up early and pack so that I can drive to Benalla again after work and plant some trees. A whole weekend without taking any bird photographs!
No matter. I'll do something useful, meet some wonderful people and enjoy it a great deal. And all the way through, it won't be scripted because I'll be so damn busy doing what I want to do (i.e., plant as many trees as possible so that in 20 years there will still be some Regent Honeyeaters for me to take pictures of) that I won't have time to notice that I don't seem to have a script, and I won't need to fall back on that salesman persona either.
One day, maybe, I'll meet someone special at one of these events. And, because I'll be so wrapped up in whatever it is I'm doing, I won't need a script. I will just happen all by itself. But not too soon, I hope. Certainly not this year. I don't have the time.
Sooner or later, Mercutio, you will discover your passion. You will find something you are so interested in doing that you forget about most everything else in life, or at least pay just barely as much attention to those other things as is necessary. It will start slowly. It might well be something you already love, such as music, or writing (you write brilliantly). Or it might be something completely unexpected. Don't ever cut yourself off from those things.
Anyway, I hear what you are saying. That's mostly what I wanted to say.
My answer won't fit you, you are one of those other 50,000 faces at the baseball stadium and you will find your own answer, sooner or later.
Tea
Storage? I am Storage!
Fushigi: yes. Spot on.
Howell
Storage? I am Storage!
Merc, try amateur culinary or creative writing classes?
Consider looking for friends of both sexes before actively looking for a date.
Consider looking for friends of both sexes before actively looking for a date.
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
I'm not looking for a date. Let's not even open that can of worms (short answer: It won't happen. Ever. The only reason I ever had any kind of romantic life is because someone else wouldn't give up. It is a great story though.)
People, though some way that is unknown to me, develop social connections that carry them through most of their lives. This is the mystery to me, because it's never happened that way for me. A lot of things that are just "supposed to happen" didn't/haven't happened to me.
No one interesting at my work sites. I do a lot of work at times when there aren't many people around, so in a way that's hardly surprising. Usually when I get trapped talking to someone at a job it's because they're having problems with their home PC.
I've never done anything wild or crazy. Or spontaneous.
I'm not aware of any clubs I might join - my interests are so inward-focussed I don't think they'd translate well to social activity. I'm substantially younger than the average person at events related to the music I enjoy (probably about 30 years younger).
Like I said, I don't see options.
People, though some way that is unknown to me, develop social connections that carry them through most of their lives. This is the mystery to me, because it's never happened that way for me. A lot of things that are just "supposed to happen" didn't/haven't happened to me.
No one interesting at my work sites. I do a lot of work at times when there aren't many people around, so in a way that's hardly surprising. Usually when I get trapped talking to someone at a job it's because they're having problems with their home PC.
I've never done anything wild or crazy. Or spontaneous.
I'm not aware of any clubs I might join - my interests are so inward-focussed I don't think they'd translate well to social activity. I'm substantially younger than the average person at events related to the music I enjoy (probably about 30 years younger).
Like I said, I don't see options.
Make a list of your interests.
Think of things in the past that you enjoyed doing that you may not have done in awhile.
Now from those lists, take the things that other people can be involved in.
Try and find a place to do those things with other people.
Hopefully, eventually you'll meet some people with similar interests and can develop a bond.
It's the only way I know to make real friends, and find the right person for you.
What good is a significant other if all you're going to do when you're with them is do stuff by yourself?
If you can't think of anything that you enjoy doing with other people, try expanding your interests some.
You're going to need to be a little bold, stretch your horizon some and push yourself.
Take little baby steps.
Try going to a sporting event, or a play, or volunteer somewhere.
You might discover you like something you didn't know you like.
That's the only advice I can give you.
Working more, and spending more time by yourself isn't going to do anything but wear you out and make you lonely.
Think of things in the past that you enjoyed doing that you may not have done in awhile.
Now from those lists, take the things that other people can be involved in.
Try and find a place to do those things with other people.
Hopefully, eventually you'll meet some people with similar interests and can develop a bond.
It's the only way I know to make real friends, and find the right person for you.
What good is a significant other if all you're going to do when you're with them is do stuff by yourself?
If you can't think of anything that you enjoy doing with other people, try expanding your interests some.
You're going to need to be a little bold, stretch your horizon some and push yourself.
Take little baby steps.
Try going to a sporting event, or a play, or volunteer somewhere.
You might discover you like something you didn't know you like.
That's the only advice I can give you.
Working more, and spending more time by yourself isn't going to do anything but wear you out and make you lonely.
Mercutio said:
There are plenty of options. What I "hear" when I read your last sentence is "I don't see options that I'm willing to try." Many people here have given you good advice. I promise you that it won't kill you if try some of the suggestions they have made. But you have to try, it's up to you. The alternative is staying just as you are now. Remember - "If it's to be... it's up to me."
Mercutio
Fatwah on Western Digital
To Tannin I can only say that I utterly disagree about shells and the "real" person.
The person I am while working, at school, or around people I do not know is a vastly different one from the person I am here, or when I was with the couple of people I truly care about.
People talk about being "in a shell". For me there isn't a shell. There's a battleship between me and the world outside. I start with the assumption that no one who hasn't seen the inside of my apartment gives a rat's ass about any part of my life, and therefore I simply do not communicate in any but the most essential ways. This makes being around people tolerable for me, but usually not for anyone else. The few times I made the mistake of not doing that, the consequences were painful. If I'm in public, I can either be in numb isolation and work from a script, or I can be completely overwhelmed and be nonfunctional (which is in fact what happens when I'm in public, social situations like parties or weddings).
The other part, the part that stays at home while I go off to work, is the part that posts here.
I assure you that those parts are unrecognizable from one another. It almost borders on schizophrenia. These are two half-people, both clearly defined (at least, to me they are) but they're largely independent of one another (perhaps this is similar to the Tannin/Tea duality?).
---------------------------------------------------------
For the rest, it's fair to say that I don't really want to be more social in a general way. I don't want to be out in public.
Part of me was hoping there was some way to meet/cultivate a friendship without having to do those things.
The person I am while working, at school, or around people I do not know is a vastly different one from the person I am here, or when I was with the couple of people I truly care about.
People talk about being "in a shell". For me there isn't a shell. There's a battleship between me and the world outside. I start with the assumption that no one who hasn't seen the inside of my apartment gives a rat's ass about any part of my life, and therefore I simply do not communicate in any but the most essential ways. This makes being around people tolerable for me, but usually not for anyone else. The few times I made the mistake of not doing that, the consequences were painful. If I'm in public, I can either be in numb isolation and work from a script, or I can be completely overwhelmed and be nonfunctional (which is in fact what happens when I'm in public, social situations like parties or weddings).
The other part, the part that stays at home while I go off to work, is the part that posts here.
I assure you that those parts are unrecognizable from one another. It almost borders on schizophrenia. These are two half-people, both clearly defined (at least, to me they are) but they're largely independent of one another (perhaps this is similar to the Tannin/Tea duality?).
---------------------------------------------------------
For the rest, it's fair to say that I don't really want to be more social in a general way. I don't want to be out in public.
Part of me was hoping there was some way to meet/cultivate a friendship without having to do those things.