New Joke Thread

[mangyDOG]

The last joke thread is still out there somewhere, but at 5+ pages long it was getting a bit big so here is the start of a new thread....



A bit long winded but so was the original Abbot and Costello joke. For all you computer store people. :wink:



ABBOT: Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name is Bud.
ABBOT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Bud.
ABBOT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?
ABBOT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?
ABBOT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOT: Software that runs on Windows?
COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOT: Recommended something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOT: Yes.
COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.
ABBOT: Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?
ABBOT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"
ABBOT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?
ABBOT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOT: RealOne.
COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOT: You click the blue 1.
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?
ABBOT: Of course it is.. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"
ABBOT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.
COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?
ABBOT: No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOT: No, not really.. It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?
ABBOT: Exactly. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?
ABBOT: Just one copy.
COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?
ABBOT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.
COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?
ABBOT: Why not? They own it.
COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?
ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.
COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?
ABBOT: Money.
COSTELLO: You sell money?
ABBOT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.
COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?
ABBOT: Simply Accounting.
COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.
ABBOT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?
ABBOT: Mind Your Own Business.
COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?
ABBOT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.
COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.
ABBOT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.
COSTELLO: More money?
ABBOT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.
COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?
ABBOT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?
ABBOT: GoBack.
COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?
ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.
COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal? Word. But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.
ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.
ABBOT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Ultimate SuperDuper Computer Store. Can I help you?

 

[Mercutio]

Sadly, I think I've had portions of the above conversation several times in my life.

Nice to see you again, MangyDOG.

 

[blakerwry]

Sadly, I think I've had portions of the above conversation several times in my life.

Nice to see you again, MangyDOG.

Merc, have you ever told someboy to restart their computer, so they clicked on the start button on the Windows taskbar?

Have you ever told someone to click on xx icon and they pronounced their religion and said they did not believe in icons?

I like to think that I can communicate well verbally, so i'm sure that I have selective memory when it comes to the abbot and costello routine... I don't think I've been through it with anybody yet.

 

[The JoJo]

Good one.

This shows quite well the two different worlds, that some of the people in the IT business tend to forget exist. When they've been in the business for a long time, they can't talk or understand the viewpoint of the totally newbie. Partly probably because they have too little contact with them.

The sad part is that I've seen some of these people, real experts, that get sent to customers to explain some aspects of a program/project. And due to too little contact with the "green" customers, they totally bewilder the people on the other side of the table. Then it takes at least twice as much effort to explain the scenario to the customer. Argh

More jokes please!

 

[zx]

Good one. Sometimes you forget how people can be beginners with compters.

My grandfather asked me "what's the Internet". Any suggestions :lol: .

 

[Buck]

A bit dry, but it might work as a definition:

An electronic communications network that connects computers and organizational computer facilities around the world.

 

[blakerwry]

Good one. Sometimes you forget how people can be beginners with compters.

My grandfather asked me "what's the Internet". Any suggestions :lol: .

A big library. Filled with information, entertainment, and lots of ads!

What technical level is he at? does he own a computer? does he already use the internet and just wants a more indepth concept of it?

 

[Buck]

Tell him that it is the electronic version of the postal system and is much quicker.

 

[Mercutio]

The world's bestest pr0n distribution system.

 

[Howell]

Information truely at your fingertips.

 

[CougTek]

Information truely at your fingertips.

What if his grandfather has Parkinson? "Iii,'mm Ttrying OOT Fiinnd Inffoo On Thhee IInnternnet..." won't give you much result on Google you know.

 

[Howell]

Information truely at your fingertips.

What if his grandfather has Parkinson? "Iii,'mm Ttrying OOT Fiinnd Inffoo On Thhee IInnternnet..." won't give you much result on Google you know.

Oh Coug, you're so bad. :diablo: I nearly fell off my chair laughing. Then I called people from the other room to read it.

 

[Clocker]

Bill and Hillary were at the Yankee's home opener, sitting in the First row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leaned forward and said something to Bill. Clinton stared at the guy, looked at Hillary, looked back at the agent, and nodded his head. Then Bill picked up Hillary by the coat collar and the seat of her pants, and dropped her right over the rail onto the field. She's kicking and swearing and screaming, and the crowd goes wild. They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Bill is bowing and smiling. Then the agent leans forward again and says: "I said, they want you To throw out the first PITCH.

 

[Mercutio]

Dubya and Laura were at the Yankee's home opener, sitting in the First row, with the Secret Service people directly behind them.

One of the Secret Service guys leaned forward and said something to Laura. She stared at the guy, looked at George, looked back at the agent, and nodded his head. Then Laura picked up Dubya by the coat collar and the seat of her pants, and dropped "him" right over the rail onto the field. He's kicking and swearing and screaming, and the crowd goes wild. They're cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Laura is bowing and smiling. Then the agent leans forward again and says: "I said, they want you To throw out the first PITCH.


See? I've made it funnier.

 

[CougTek]

I understand Clocker's joke, but not Merc's one... How can a guy can be mistaken for the first bitch?

 

[Mercutio]

Bitch - n. b@-itch - 1: (Prison slang). A submissive or receiving male partner in a homosexual relationship. syn: Catcher, Prag, Bottom, Nancy, Wife et al. Usage: "I'm gonna take that new boy and make him toss my salad, thus making him my bitch." 2. (Homosexual Slang): General acknowledgement of aggressively feminine traits in otherwise masculine individuals. Mildly derogatory. 3. (Standard use): Female dog. 4. (Standard Use): A female posessing many traits viewed as stereotypically negative in females but generally acceptable in males, e.g. shrewishness, stubbornness, aggressiveness.

Obviously, definitions 1 and 2 apply here.

 

[zx]

Tell him that it is the electronic version of the postal system and is much quicker.

Nice one. It should work better than your first definition .

 

[.Nut]

Bitch - n. b@-itch - 1: (Prison slang)...

Isn't it bay-ich.

 

[flagreen]

Bitch - n. b@-itch - 1: (Prison slang)...

Isn't it bay-ich.

Except in Texas where it is pronounced - "beach"

 

[timwhit]

I thought it was biatch...

 

[Mercutio]

I used the @ to represent the upside-down E-thing that dictionaries use a lot. The "e-thing" is a symbol some people call a "schwa", which is the symbol for the very common English vowel sound "uh".

Most people in my part of the world clearly enunciate the "B", so b@ is the sound of a clearly enunciated b.

I've heard Englishment pronounce the same word as "bit-ch" (emphasizing the "ch").

Of course, if we continue in this manner, this thread will be overrun by the idignant remains of the Empire, threatening to get all OED on our collective ass.

So I take it everyone knows what "salad tossing" is?

Note: If you don't, you REALLY don't want to.

 

[fool]

idignant remains of the Empire, threatening to get all OED on our collective ass.

I can assure you that this particular remnant has no desings on anyones donkey. Or any other livestock, come to that.

 

[LiamC]

Good point fool. Why do our U.S. cousins like fooling around with donkeys so much?

 

[Onomatopoeic]

Of course, if we continue in this manner, this thread will be overrun by the idignant remains of the Empire, threatening to get all OED on our collective ass.

So I take it everyone knows what "salad tossing" is?

Note: If you don't, you REALLY don't want to.

Isn't "salad tossing" basically vomiting upon an ass -- a donkey? ...which has nothing to do with tossing cookies, correct?

I think I'm catching on now with this coded verse. OED -- Oxford???

 

[timwhit]

Not quite. Salad tossing is mainly practiced by homosexual males.

 

[Drakantus]

The best blond joke ever-

click here

 

[Clocker]

 

[fool]

I actually did :lol: :lol:

 

[its.fubar]

10 blonde Science Fair Projects




10) Are poisonous snakes really venomous?

9) Is lighter fluid flammable?

8] What hurts more: falling off a building, or a cliff?

7) Are knives sharp?

6) Can sharks hurt a human?

5) What happens if I stick my hand in a piranha aquarium?

4) Can I break my arm hitting it against a wall?

3) Can I eat broken glass and live?

2) Can dogs talk?

1) Are blondes really dumb?

 

[Bartender]

"UP"

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meaning than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP".

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP A report ?

We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in the dictionary. In a desk size dictionary takes UP almost 1/4th the page and definitions add UP to about thirty.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP.

When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn't rain for awhile,things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I'll shut
UP.....

 

[jtr1962]

The word UP brought to mind a true story. About ten years ago my "know-it-all" cousin was visiting us. He always was prone to telling tall tales or acting like he heard of everything so unbeknownst to me my brother decided to try to catch him in the act. He told my cousin that Federal Express and UPS were going to merge into a single company. My cousin immediately replied in typical know-it-all fashion that he heard about that. After all, there wasn't a thing that my cousin claimed to not know about. He was the consummate "expert" on everything except that half the time an educated person could tell he didn't have a clue what he was talking about. But it did impress the dumb girls he liked to hang around. Anyway, right after he said that my brother replied that they were going to call the new company "FED-UP". My cousin's face turned red and his jaw dropped. He was caught in his sea of bullshit. I went into another room and laughed hysterically. From that time onwards he was a bit more humble, at least with our family. I'm quite sure the tall tales continued when he was with his regular crowd.

Two more uses of the word up: speak UP and f*ck UP. The last is kind of a NYC slang for shut up, leave me alone, buzz off, etc.

 

[ddrueding]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

 

[mangyDOG]

Why my Wife left me...

We were trying to save money as the mortgage payments were pretty tough to work with.

As you know I don't drink that much - maybe a slab or two on the weekends with the boys.

As a cost saving she told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit. It was tough, but I agreed.

Then I caught her spending $100 on make-up.

And I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.


Catholic Girls...

A train hits a busload of Catholic schoolgirls and they all die.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates, and St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one."
St Peter says, "OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Samantha sticks her a#se in it."



I am a victim of the latest scam in Melbourne.

Two good looking women come to your car as you are parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, the other comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse, impossible not to look, when you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride into Dandenong.

You agree and tell them to sit in the back. On the way they start having sex in the back seat. Your are invited to participate and while one performs oral sex on you, the other one steals your wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, & Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful.

 

[Tannin]

"I said, they want you To throw out the first PITCH.

That's a corker, Clocker. (Didn't see it till just now.)

 

[Tannin]

So, what's the difference between a lock-up and a lock-down?

 

[Sol]

I just saw the first pitch one too but I think for Mercutios version he needs to replace Laura with Dick... I mean who's bitch are we talking about afterall?

 

[Mercutio]

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

"Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle. " The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his vice president, the same question.

"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Cheney, " let me get back to you on that one."

Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Cheney smiles, and says, "Thanks!" Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

 

[time]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and starts drinking a sip out of each one in turn. The barman asks him why and the Irishman tells him he has two brothers, one in the US, the other in Australia. "When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. Then one day, he comes in and orders only two pints. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says: "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

 

[Buck]

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY


Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE




EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY


DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture...Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors,I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this On their bed.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still LODGED between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event, however, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my activities. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

 

[paugie]

thank you, Buck.