Favorite Quotes

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And this is absolutely brilliant.
In an effort to further reduce our personal interactions with customers, we've added our revolutionary Troubled Ticketing™ system. If you would like to report a problem, simply click the link below, and complete the accompanying Problem Report. After firing the responsible Little Person, their replacement will get back to you as soon as is convenient for us.
Click to expand...
 
"When I bite into a York Peppermint Patty, I get the sensation that I'm
floating on a bowl of tangerine Jell-O, as marsupial nymphs cleanse my
soul with moist towelettes."
 
"As for me, I have no idea why language was invented, but I strongly
suspect it caught on because it was an effective way to spread gossip
and tell nasty jokes about the tribe on the other side of the river."
--Cindy Kandolf
 
At the Driver's License Bureau:
Sally: Cars must have some huge power we haven't discovered yet.
Look at this, the lines, the waiting, the testing.
Harry: Can you imagine what you must have to go through to get
a gun?


-- 3rd Rock from the Sun
 
"I haven't missed a tailgate party in six years. I'm not going
to miss one now just because we don't have a team."
- Mike Vranic of Mentor, Ohio, after the Browns moved to Baltimore
 
A revolution every now and then is a healthy thing.
-Thomas Jefferson

It doesn’t matter if the cat is black or white, so long as it catches the mice
-Deng Xiaoping

Hey Beavis, I'm getting a stiffy, hehehehe.
-Butthead

Stupid fat Hobbit, you ruined it!
-Gollum
 
Sung to the tune of the 1812 Overture (a.k.a. The Lone Ranger's theme):


I've got a head like a ping-pong ball!

I've got a head like a ping-pong ball!

I've got a head like a ping-pong ball!

Ping!

Like a ping-pong ball!
 
"The cheek of every American must tingle with shame as he reads the silly, flat and dishwatery utterances of the man who has to be pointed out to intelligent foreigners as the President of the United States." - Chicago Sun Times on Lincoln's Gettysburg Address
 
Discussing why embryos and fetuses move...
"Boredom?... You know, la la la, this sucks?" (while waving his hands around)
--Patrick Conlin
 
A person who can accept criticism is a person worthy to be known, but a person who cannot is just a clown.
 
"Yes, we did produce a near perfect Republic. But will they keep it, or will they, in the enjoyment of plenty, lose the memory of freedom? Material abundance without character is the surest way to destruction." Thomas Jefferson
 
"Y'know, the entire multi-billion dollar industry of daytime talk shows
is predicated on one simple subtext: I can't believe anybody is actually
FUCKING that person! "


--Dennis Miller
 
"The company said it has no intention of insulting women with the
apparel, and said that `bitch' can also mean girlfriend."
-- clari.living.bizarre: 10-Sep-96 Japan women's
group fight trademark
 
"It is not a foil, neither is it an epee or a sabre, nor any other
sword, fencing or otherwise; take it out of your pants."
--Jason "Wanderlust" Riek
 
sechs said:
"The company said it has no intention of insulting women with the
apparel, and said that `bitch' can also mean girlfriend."
-- clari.living.bizarre: 10-Sep-96 Japan women's
group fight trademark
Click to expand...

FWIW "Bitch" works very nicely for Ex-wives as well. :)
 
When asked why Life is not the highest rank in the scouts:
"Because in scouts, Eagles are more important than Life."
-- Brian A. Fredrickson
 
This isn't necessarily my favorite quote, but did find it pithy in a twisted sort of way:

The road of life is covered with flattened squirrels that couldn't make up their mind(s).
 
"If Baywatch can become the most popular show in the world by using sex,
imagine what Baywatch Nights can do with sex and violence"
-- Sci-fi Weekly fall preview
 
"God is an invention of Man. So the nature of God is only a shallow mystery.
The deep mystery is the nature of Man."
-- Nanrei Kobori, Temple of the Shining Dragon
 
"It's a formidable task. Can you imagine 76 percent of elephant cows in
the park, that's 3,000 animals, feeling very sexy all the time? It would
be chaos."
-- Rudi van Aarde, professor of zoology at the University of Pretoria
 
"The flames of Usenet can be as nothing compared to collectors
on your ass. Bill collectors can't get forwarded to /dev/null"
-- Lorrie Wood
 
Political Correctness... from a thread on the subject....
>>>>> it's the modern form of one-upsmanship.
>>>> Surely this should be "One-upspersonship" ;)
>>> Or even (since a "son" is a male child) "One-upsperchildship?" ;{>}
>> Hold on, hold on. Don't people usually refer to ships as female (she sank,
>> she sailed to Bermuda etc)? Therefore, I suggest it should be
>> "One-upsperchildvessel". What do you think?
> Well, I think were almost done...
> The word "one" sounds a lot like, some might even says exactly like,
> "won". And since "won" implies that someone has lost, and we don't want
> people who lose to suffer from low self-esteem, let's change "One" to
> "Earn" and have "One-upsperchildvessel" be "Earn-upsperchildvessel"
> Could somebody please get rid of "ups", too? How about
> "anonymousovernightdeliverycompany"?
 
* Note that YHWH Enterprises is now a wholly-owned subsidiary of
Nabisco. Brand names and product descriptions may vary in your area.
-- Noah Gibbs
 
"As a graduate student, I find it an insult almost beyond parallel
to imply that I might have studied fanatically in order to get this
far. In fact, as any PhD level person can tell you, success at this
level consists of 10% perspiration, 10% inspiration, 50% bullshitting
and 30% blackmail."
-- Charlie Ball
 
"As of January 20, I will officially be working... as a Senior
Associate Programmer. (The way I figure it, the first two cancel and
I'm just a 'Programmer.' They reserve lower grades for DeVry
graduates, I guess.)"
-- Frank Dana
 
"I use a Mac, I like my Mac. I probably use telnet more than
any other app on my Mac."
-- Jeremiah A Blatz
 
"If an infinite number of rednecks in an infinite number of pickup
trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number
of stop signs, they will eventually reproduce the entire works of
Shakespeare in Braille."
 
"WHEREAS, it is
the policy of the state of New Mexico to enhance the self-esteem
of students in the classroom, yet the teaching of a theory that
indicates that children evolved in a meaningless manner through
highly improbable random fluctuations in a pre-biotic soup can
result in a particularly negative impact on a student's
self-esteem"
-- New Mexico law on teaching theories other than evolution
 
"Good morning, doctors. I have taken the liberty of removing
Windows 95 from my hard drive."
--Arthur C. Clake, on what he imagines HAL's first words to be
 
"For instance, if you were born in 1977, systems will determine your
age by subtracting 77 from 00, at which point you will be considered a
youthful -23."
-- Computerworld, on the Y2K problem
 
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