Hmm... how can I contribute to this discussion? I've had dating success the past couple years, but it hasn't always been that way. It was pretty hopeless at times with many years without success, and believe me, I had the same "screw it, why bother, it's not going to work because of x, y, and z, and because women are like this and don't like that... it's not up to me... anybody remotely attractive has their pick and why would they pick me?" attitude.
I worked hard at turning things around, and am proud of my success. If you would humour me for a bit, allow me to share some things that helped me. YMMV (but honestly, this stuff is applicable to and can help so many people... even if you only find 5% of this useful, it is something you'll take with you and use it for life and could make the difference... try it)
1. Self-help books on anxiety & depression. A lot of us who have dating problems often suffer from certain elements of anxiety & depression. It's usually a mild anxiety condition that causes a lack of social success, which leads to mild depression (
dysthymia), avoidance of social activities, which over time, causes a relative lack of social / dating skills development, resulting in more anxiety in social / dating situations, starting a vicious circle.
Often, these problems are not full-blown anxiety conditions like
social phobia or social anxiety, but they can be subtle manifestations of Cluster C personality disorders like
OCPD (not to be confused with OCD),
Avoidant Personality Disorder (AvPD), or
DPD.
The first step to social / dating success (and success in general) is addressing these mild manifestations of anxiety / depression that are not only holding you back, but affecting your perspective / objectivity and ability to evaluate priorities in life (e.g., i'd rather be working because it is so important in many ways to my career, financial security, ability to purchase electronic toys; dating is so futile and i'm really much happier alone... why suffer so much to get probably so little in return?).
Some good books:
Feeling Good by David Burns - One of the original books that brought the concepts of CBT to mainstream psychology
Self-Coaching by Joseph Luciani - Possibly the best, most concise and practical single book on giving you the tools to overcome life's challenges.
2. Improve your social / dating skills. Most of us are the same. We don't like doing things that make us uncomfortable. We feel like a fish out of water. Usually that happens with public speaking, dancing, and dating. Why? Because there are lots of intricacies to these activities that are (1) subtle, (2) can't be mastered easily, and (3) can't be learned without enduring some fear and potential embarrassment.
Fortunately, this is just like learning a new programming language. All it takes is a book and a commitment to try things out. What I mean by that is reading to learn the basics, and then writing code and seeing what happens when you hit "compile". You can't learn a new language without just writing and compiling and seeing what happens, and more importantly, what didn't work, why it didn't work, and what you should try next time.
Books on Communication Skills
Conversationally Speaking by Alan Garner
How to Talk to Anyone by Leil Lowndes
Books on Dating Skills
Double Your Dating by David DeAngelo (eBook)
Undercover Sex Signals by Leil Lowndes
AskMen.com website, Dating & Love section
Again, the key is to practice. Seriously, sign-up for speed-dating events around your area. No strings, safe, friendly environment, nothing to be embarrassed about since everybody is there for the same reason you are. You can practice on dozens of women in a matter of hours. Then, practice at the mall, grocery store, subway / bus, elevator, anywhere you walk by or stand next to a woman where she isn't in a hurry to get somewhere.
The key is not to hesitate. Use the 3 second rule. Within 3 seconds of approaching a woman, make eye contact, smile, and say "hi". It doesn't matter what you say next. Just comment on the weather or whatever's close by (e.g., ask "hey, any tips on how to pick asparagus?") and smile a bit. That's all there is to it. Once you do it a dozen times or so, I promise you it becomes easy enough to the point where you won't feel afraid of it anymore. You may regress and not want to do it a week later, but you'll know that you can do it, and that's the first step. The next step is to actually do it every week so that you keep up your progress.
3. Boost your Confidence / Resilience. As you know, it's all about confidence. Women can smell fear a mile away. I know what you're thinking: it's not like you're not confident in other areas of your life (don't you think you know more about computers and electronics than 99% of people in the country?), but dating is just so darn hard and so full of rejection. But confidence can be learned. And doing so will not only instantly make you 100x more attractive, but it will help you with so many other areas of your life.
Some great books:
Feel the Fear... and Beyond by Susan Jeffers
The Resilience Factor by Karen Reivich
4. See a counselor / therapist. This is probably the most effective and helpful of all of these suggestions. If you feel self-conscious about going to see a therapist, get over it. You have some things you need help with working out. There is no shame in that. Just like you would go see a doctor for a health problem, you should see a therapist or a psychiatrist for anything regarding thoughts, emotions, anxiety, depression, and personality disorders.
For a psychologist, you can often see them without any referral. Some of them are GP's (who can prescribe medications like SSRI's, which work very well might I add), and some of them are family / personal / employee counselors. Sometimes, employee and family assistance counselors are the best choice because they either come to your workplace or are local and are covered by your employer's benefits program.
There are psychotherapists, licensed clinical social workers (LCSW), and licensed clinical professional counselors (LCPC)
http://www.findcounseling.com/
5. Consider taking some St. John's Wort. Or some medication like an SSRI. St. John's Wort works for mild depression and can help get you out of your funk so that you'll actually WANT to do what it takes to improve yourself. It does take up to 3-4 weeks before you actually feel the effects, so stick with it, but chances are you'll notice a gradual improvement after 2 weeks. The side effects are usually very mild, but just make sure you follow the precautions and warnings on the label. St. John's Wort is also a mild MAO Inhibitor, and you should thus not use if you're on MAOIs, SSRIs/SNRIs, tricylic antidepressants, drugs for Parkinson's disease. Be careful not to eat too much cheese and wine as well.
An SSRI like Prozac can help with many of the anxiety and depression conditions as well. You wouldn't believe how well it works until you try it.
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One thing to remember is that you have to put in the time and effort to make it happen. And that includes, reading 2-3 books and taking a couple hours off work every couple weeks to see a therapist / counselor. Don't be lazy and don't bullshit yourself by putting in 50% effort, claiming "i'm too busy with work, or i'm too tired after work" and then claiming that it's never going to work.
Work on fixing yourself, addressing your skill defecits, and I promise you will see the results of your labour. Maybe not instant success, but you will definitely see progress. Not just with dating, but in all aspects of your life.
Sorry if this sounds a little preachy to you, but I strongly believe in it. It's worked for me, and I know it will work for you. Believe it or not, there are people out there that are "your type" and who will not only like you and find you attractive enough to go out with you on a date, but will fall in love with you and think "you're the one". And it's not just that one person in the whole world -- there are many people out there. All you need is a "close enough" match and two willing partners.