(Written as though it's a reply to Dave's post, which it isn't really. It's a general vague-and-rambling post in the old Tannin style that uses Dave's post as a point of departure.)
It's a tough one, and the reason it's a tough one is because the problem is bigger than it seems. People lie about stuff all the time (doubly so on dating sites), but certian things are OK to be "called out" on, or even to admit yourself later. This isn't.
The problem isn't her weight, she has a self-image/self-confidence problem. That puts her in the "not mentally fit to date anyone" category IMHO.
Dave, there are only two sorts of people in this world:
(a) Ones with a self-image/confidence problem
(b) Ones who are so far out of touch with themselves and with reality that they are not worth sharing coffee with, never mind a relationship. Psychologists call this "denial", and it's much, much more difficult to deal with.
Everyone has issues with their self-image. Well, everyone that cares enough about other people to ever think in a self-reflective way. And yes, I include you in that self-reflective category.
This is not because we live in a sick society with twisted, evil values, though that last is undoubtedly true. No, it is because it is part of the very nature of interpersonal relationships (of all kinds) that we think about ourselves and we think about other people, and we see ourselves (or try to) as part of that social fabric. We try to fit in, we try to play our parts, we try to figure out where other people fit in, and all of us, all the time, try to manipulate things to our own desires.
Sometimes these desires are downright stupid, such as when a child tries to get everyone to hate him because that seems better than everyone ignoring him. Or a troll on Storage Forum, for that matter - same difference. And I bet we have all met women like that (or men, depending on your gender and your sexual orientation).
But the stupidity or otherwise of our intended social manipulations has nothing at all to do with the constant reality of them. Likewise their goals, from the nakedly selfish to the transparently altruistic, and all the possibilities in between. People try to manage the way other people think and feel about them for good and for ill: blatantly, subtly, conscipuously, deliberately, unconsciously - but above all we do it constantly. We do it well, we do it poorly, we mostly do it with mixed success, but we all do it, and (with rare and temporary exceptions) we do it all day, every day.
Obviously, I'm setting aside those times when social interaction isn't part of our here-and-now agenda, i.e., when we are (a) alone, and (b) not doing or thinking about, or emotionally reacting to our social environment. These times, for most people, are remarkably brief and few in number. Think about it: nearly everything you do in daily life is in fact a
social activity, even when you are alone it is shaped by and motivated by your social situation. Examples:
* Standing in front of the mirror parting your hair. (You are comparing your self-image (both visual in the mirror and mental) with the "right" way you "ought" to look - very much a social activity.)
* Jogging. (Even alone on a deserted beach, you are still, from time to time, thinking how "good" you are for doing 9.1 miles today, and possibly deciding modestly not to mention it to your friends. Or how much slimmer you are getting - hey, you are doing OK for a man in his late 30s, yes? Even those thoughts aside, a tiny part of you is constantly if silently on guard to make sure you don't do something socially stupid.)
* Reading. (Hey, let's make the example more difficult by pretending you are so "non-social" that you are not reading a novel or anything with any human content - which makes it an obviously social activity - nope, you are reading the Netware Handbook or a physics text. Yup, somewhere along the way, you will nevertheless consider yourself in your social context, even if it's to just to remind yourself that, yes, you are the guy who is so uninterested in what people think that you are not bothering to shower today because you are more interested in the next chapter and you don't want to get the book wet and you don't care what they think anyway.)
Actually, one of the wonderful things about certain activities - running is one, wildlife photography in remote locations is another, reading physics a third, meditation another again - is that, for short periods we can
stop being a social actor, stop acting and reacting with people, and just focus on the task at hand. Much of the appeal of these things is those brief periods when we become non-social beings, when we just
do or just
are instead of constantly evaluating and reevaluating ourselves and those around us.
OK, so our datinng site girl has a desire to be someone she actually isn't. Was she lying, in the sense of flat-out denying something that you know to be true, actively and deliberately? I doubt it. Much more likely, her behaviour was a mixture of several things:
* Her own self-image ("I'm not actually fat, I just have big bones, and anyway, it's only a little bit" and "well, I
am going to lose weight, real soon now, so it's not actually
untrue, it's just that I'm a bit bigger than normal right at this present moment ... and .. well, OK, for most of the the last 24 years too to be honest, but I'm not really an overweight person, like not
fat, I'm just going to have to stick to my diet a bit better. I mean really stick to it. Starting tomorrow. Or possibly Wednesday.").
* Her weighing up of the realities ("Hey,
everyone fibs a little bit on these places, right? I mean, you've got to cheat a
little bit or you will never get any replies, and because everybody else lies a little bit, if I don't do the same I'm going to miss out on meeting someone that, if he did reply to me, would actually like me quite a lot and that wouldn't be fair. And I'm not actually fat. In that green dress with the white belt, I look pretty good.)
* Throw in a heathy dose of flat-out dreaming. Not really a lie, more a sign of outright dreaming and wishing and if-you-really-believe-it you-can-make-it-so.
Sounds like a sad, twisted person, lacking in self-esteem, Dave? Too right it does. Sounds like an entirely normal, everyday sort of person too. We are
all of us like that, every single one of us, barring only the few, the very few, who are so far out of touch with themselves and with reality that they are little better than robots going through the motions of life without ever getting any of the flavour. Or who are so wrapped up with a non-social activity/pastime/obsession that they are not really human anymore either.
(BTW, you can come within an inch or two of counting me amongst that last group a lot of the time - which is fine by me: there are so many things I want to do with my life that social interactions beyond the essentials of buying food and selling computers rarely show up on my navigation radar.)
But most of us most of the time, and all of us some of the time, are not too different to our slightly overweight girl in the size 16 dress. Every single one of us tries to manipulate the social landscape so as to put us in our best light. Of the two things I want to say, that's the first. Persuasive communication - all the way from deciding which socks to wear and fibbing about your weight up to doing your best to imply untrue things about your virility with the sort of car you drive - isn't just
normal, it is
inevitable, ubiquitous, and
inescapable.
The second thing I want to say is - just as bloody well! That's what society
is, and it is what being a part of the community is all about. Don't close your eyes and pretend that things are other than they are: relax, accept that reality is indeed reality, and (if you want to live in the company of other human beings) try to make your manipulations positive ones. Work on being more effective, on targetting them more sensibly, on finding ways to work together with other people on shared visions of reality.
In other words .... Chewy, call the girl. Chat for a while. If you like her and you have things in common, take it further. If you don't hit it off, that's fine too. Move on.
